Hi lovelies. Sorry for the very long text but here goes.
I grew up in a very strict family, I was never allowed to wear what I wanted, no make up, no eyebrows done until I was 18 or even have a phone until I was 19. When I was 14 years old, I was late from school one day as the bus was late.. my father physically beaten me up very badly with a wire until I couldn’t breathe, unfortunately I still have the scars on my thighs to remind me.
When I turned 18, my parents were away on holiday and back then everyone had MSN, one day I left it open without signing out and my brother went through it and saw I had boys as friends and he grabbed me by my throat pinned me to the wall as much as he could, kept kicking me with his feet and punching me until I went blue, then left the house. I didn’t report him to the police because I grew up with fear around them, being scared of doing wrong.
The list could go on forever, but just making my story “short” as much as I can. I have been suffering from stress and depression since the age of 14. My family have a strong belief of “arranged marriage”, so in 2016 I accepted to get engaged, although just met him once briefly with family. After few months of being engaged, I knew that I didn’t develop jo feelings for my fiancé, and everything was missing he felt like a stranger to me. So i built up my “courage” and confronted my family and father, and made them aware that I didn’t want this marriage to go along as I feel nothing for the guy, however they refused and forced me to go ahead with the marriage a year later.
My brother on the other hand, divorced his wife and my mother raised his daughter (my niece) wit no hesitations).
So I got married, my depression drove me to dark throughs of ending my life multiple times after being married. My family knew everything I was going through, but like always no help, support or anything from them. 4 years down the line, I am still with my husband, the way he treated me and his personality made me fall in love with him. It took me a good 4 years, but I’m at a good place with him, we now have a daughter together. Like any other couples, we do have arguments and things, but if I ever bring this up to my mother and tell her that I might leave my husband (just testing her) days and weeks would pass and she would stop calling me.
My problem stands with my family, because after everything I have ever been through all the pain and suffering was due to them reflecting back on it, now that I am a mother myself.
My dad is 73 and my mum is 69.
Every time I go and visit them (they live with my brother and his family), it’s like I force myself, I feel so depressed in that house. Dyed off conversations, and want to leave the moment I get there.
In my heart I don’t think I will ever forgive them of what I went through, I genuinely believe I have hate in my heart towards them. I’m stuck on between having a relationship with them or cutting them off.
Any advice would be so much appreciated.
I am now in my mid 30’s and my depression is still here at times, especially after postnatal it was horrible, that I didn’t know wanted to leave my husband and had no bond with my baby (please don’t judge, as it was my depression talking then and not me).
Have any of you cut off your parents,
Or have an estranged relationship?
Thank you.