Why do I feel dead inside

[Namechange1991x]

Hi. I have cptsd/eupd.
I am having investigations for possible endometriosis, awaiting a laparoscopy but experiencing a lot of daily pain.
I have a 1yr old son. I am a rubbish mother.
I don't want to get out of bed, I feel dead inside, the whole work seems dark and bleak.
I am under MH services, but they're very stretched and as I've been 'chronically suicidal' and with this possible new eupd diagnosis, it feels even more hopeless.
I want to just disappear. I hate life. I hate myself.

Oh you poor love, this sounds like a battle and please don’t let it overwhelm you as anyone would find it hard and yet here you are managing and trying and reaching out ; and please keep reaching for support everywhere you can as honestly everyone needs it sometimes and you especially st the moment.

If mental health aren’t responding enough I would try your GP and Samaritans too and honestly it gets easier and you’re in a hard bit it sounds. Especially with pain on top and I hope they can help you manage the pain.

Is there anyone else helping with your one year old as it’s not your fault you are in pain and it would make it difficult for anyone so there’s no room for guilt and I have no doubt you still do your best for him : and can you reach for support/ practical help to make it better for him too? There are so many occasions this is helpful and it could be really positive to ask for help if you can.

Also this sounds insignificant but after a hard patch myself I learnt from someone close (who’d lost very close siblings too young) to look for all the happy things i can and notice them however small , and I Learnt from them to never dwell on hard bits more than I have to practically to deal with them. It’s harder with extra challenges thrown in , but I honestly recommend making a list of happy things even if it’s a cup of tea you enjoy .

Take care and please keep sharing as sometimes even if we can’t help at least we can listen and understand

My other thought, but it may seem so unimportant , is looking after yourself in terms of sleep (where you can), and nutrition . so often I don’t think professionals explain the importance of nutrition too and for example gut health and omega fats have an enormous link with mental health. I wish you were my neighbour as I would really try and help !

@Looseleaf thank you for replying 😭 I wish you were my neighbour! I have no mum and my dad is not around...I just want someone to help me, I know i sound pathetic but I'm feeling so alone, despite having MH support.
I feel suffocated by life and overwhelm and it's just a case of getting through the day and looking forward to bedtime. Often I picture just running away, but I haven't yet.
My head is such a mess and no one understands. Today I was told I look like I'm doing well and I'll be fine etc by MH professional when inside I feel the opposite. Thank you for reaching out 🌺🌺

I understand as it can make things worse often when someone says the opposite instead of listening and understanding how you feel. They mean well and you just need to get through this as honestly you’ll look back one day and feel so proud of how far you’ve come and honestly no one copes well when In pain let alone when you can’t rest when you need to due to little one I’m sure.

I do think it would make a difference to have some practical help with your little one , does he go to nursery ? Or do you have local friends who are supportive or a friendly local church so you feel less alone? There are special people out in the community so often and one needs to find them, even if it’s just someone to share it with so you feel less alone .

(I found a friend with a child the same age when my DC was one and it made such a difference to both of us as even when we were both exhausted and not coping having the distraction really helped . I would do her washing up and she would do mine!)

OP I hope today’s been ok and that you are safe and warm and also getting some support somehow. It’s not easy having a little one and I hope you managed to get outside a little bit today and see if it helps.
It was cold and windy here but I managed to admire some daffodils and check on my seeds as I love it when new plants start to appear in spring x

@Looseleaf thank you so much for coming back. I really appreciate your kindness to a complete stranger 🌸

That's lovely, a bit of sun and flowers blooming is definitely a mood lifter.

My son doesn't go to.nursery and has no family around who would want to help unfortunately and I'm so bad at talking to.new.people!

Thank you.for.your kindess. X

Gosh you poor thing

That is so so hard

You must reach out please if you can xxxxx

I hear you as I found being a mum so tiring when they were young and didn’t have help either although very fortunate have a supportive family.
I’m worried you don’t like talking to new people as it could be good for you and I would be lost without my friends to understand me , and me them. Could it be linked to low self esteem as if so it would be so good for both you and your little boy if you could build this up and perhaps start going to a baby/ toddler group if they are running. Maybe even be honest to an organiser there and say how you feel and that it’s a big step for you, I am sure they would be supportive .
I wish I could help somehow as hate you struggling and know you have so much to give and to do and I hope things slowly get much easier and happier for you xx