Please or to access all these features

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

I’m feeling better but how would your partners have responded?

17 replies

Littlesthobo84 · 23/03/2021 12:40

About two months ago I was really unwell, it’s been approaching for a long time, since the birth of dc2 five years ago maybe.
Various things then conspired against me and all hit me at once, made worse by lockdown (as everything is, for everyone).
I basically fell apart. I felt like I didn’t want to be hear anymore. I stopped eating. I cried all the time. I purposefully harmed myself - basically to stop me doing anything worse.
I’m now in a better place, not totally better, but I’m eating again and sleeping. I had several weeks where I was too agitated to sleep.

I understand it must be hard to be the partner of someone with a mental illness - depression and anxiety really hit me hard - but I’ve never really put it onto DH and carried on doing everything id normally do. He was aware though that this time I was struggling. My parents ended up calling the crisis team. DH is aware I’d harmed myself and that I’d stopped eating. All he said about it was that it was ‘ridiculous’ and what did I think would happen to the children when I ended up in hospital because he wouldn’t cope with them and working. That was it. I don’t know what I needed him to do really, I suppose it’s really hard. I don’t feel supported I guess which was part of my spiral in the first place. I have a chronic long term condition - which is obviously my issue and my problem - but it was part of what was meaning I wasn’t getting any sleep. He didn’t offer to let me have a lie in at the weekends - carried on getting up at noon himself or make me a meal or anything. I struggle with this because clearly I’m an adult, it’s my problem and I don’t expect him to run around behind me and ‘fix’ me. But on the other hand it felt pretty lonely that he didn’t even mention it. I was literally walking around the house crying. Thank god I feel much better now.

OP posts:
Littlesthobo84 · 23/03/2021 12:43

here. Good grief.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/03/2021 12:47

I'm thinking you'd be a lot happier without your useless husband. Raise your standards as for how you expect to be treated by your partner. No, he can't fix you, but he isn't even trying to pretend to give a fuck.

Littlesthobo84 · 23/03/2021 12:50

My parents basically were my support.
Maybe he just didn’t know what to do. I just felt really alone. If I hadn’t had my parents I don’t know what would have happened. I broke lockdown to see them because I felt like it was that or I was going to seriously harm myself.

OP posts:
MarieDelaere · 23/03/2021 12:54

It doesn't really matter what our partners would do, OP. It matters that yours did not support you and that that contributed towards your downward spiral.

It's bloody awful being stuck in that sort of descent, especially when you know you need to sort out the basics like sleep and food, which is a serious position to be in, and your own partner is calling you 'ridiculous'.

Does he generally lack empathy and compassion? Is Is generally lazy?

I'm so glad your parents helped you Flowers

MarieDelaere · 23/03/2021 12:55

Oh and you didn't break lockdown - you were seeking essential care.

SandysMam · 23/03/2021 12:57

Op, I have a chronic condition which can make me very anxious and down. My DH, whilst not always getting it right, is kind and caring and tries his best to help me. I’m so sorry you have had such a hard time but I don’t blame you for feeling so crappy with a rubbish husband like that! If your parents are supportive I would turn to them for help and consider leaving him. He doesn’t sound like a good person.

Littlesthobo84 · 23/03/2021 12:57

He just works and pre lockdown he would golf at the weekends.
I suppose he’s used to me getting on with things to do with the dc and the house.
The house went to pot as well a bit. I still managed to hold it together with the children but it was hard going.
I am very grateful for my parents and a couple of close friends who didn’t give up on me.
It was really only like that for a few weeks but it felt like forever. I don’t know how I’d have managed it the medication hadn’t kicked in.

OP posts:
Littlesthobo84 · 23/03/2021 13:00

I generally just get on with it re the chronic condition, he’s not terribly interested and it is dull. He married me knowing about it though.
He says he wishes he could help or he wishes he could take it off me but he doesn’t actually do anything that would help in anyway. I mean he’s pretty limited but occasionally cooking a meal or getting up in the morning at the weekend would be something. Or just asking about it. He never asks, and it impacts me every single day.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/03/2021 13:01

Why are you settling for this?

Littlesthobo84 · 23/03/2021 13:04

I don’t know any differently and also I’m worried it’s me.
It must be pretty draining to have a wife who is anxious and depressed. I mean, it’s been on and off to some degree for a long time now. I resisted medication before, he didn’t want me to take it particularly, and I should probably have treated it earlier.
I’ve kept going and functioning until that particularly awful time a couple of months ago. I wanted to go and stop with my parents but he’d have been furious so I stayed put.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/03/2021 13:09

It's not you, and you do know differently or you wouldn't have started this thread. You know your husband is a selfish, neglectful arsehole. Not only does he refuse to support you in any way, he even prevents you from getting help for yourself. You should want and expect more for your life and marriage.

MarieDelaere · 23/03/2021 13:10

He sounds really emotionally damaging.

colouringindoors · 23/03/2021 13:18

It's NOT you.

He showed no concern, no compassion, no empathy, did nothing to care for you.

He is not a nice person. He is not someone you want in your life. Living with someone like this is harmful to a person's mental health.

I'm really glad you're feeling better. Please talk to family and friends about this. I honestly think you should not be with him.

Dora26 · 23/03/2021 13:27

The conversation re your husband needs to be had with a professional as part of your wellness plan, optimally there would be an appointment with him actually present. Often a Mood Disorder specialist social worker does this but depends on the hospital/team. You need to invest in your wellness OP - from one who knows! Good luck with it.Flowers

MarieDelaere · 23/03/2021 13:28

Would your parents be able to have you and your children to stay for a while?

Shortiemyboo · 23/03/2021 13:31

What a useless idiot your ‘d’h isAngry I’m fuming on your behalf. I’d make an excit plan asap. Sorry you deserve so mych more.

namechange30455 · 23/03/2021 14:15

OP I think I read another thread you started the other day where you said your H had a temper and won't use condoms?

I thought he sounded pretty bad then, but reading this too he sounds absolutely foul.

Your other thread is all about how you want to stay together for the kids. What the kids need is for you to leave him so they don't have to watch him being constantly horrible to their mum any more. I wish my parents had split up, my dad sounds just like your nasty "D"H.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page