Its my sons 1st birthday soon and its been the most miserable year of my life

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My son was born a couple of days before lockdown and since leaving hospital I feel like my PND has gone from bad to worse.

I am on 20mg Citalopram and feel like that helps slightly by not allowing me to 'feel' and just basically go through the mundaneness that is motherhood. I feel constantly miserable. I don't enjoy it second time round even after taking meds.

His birthday is coming up and I honestly can't be bothered, what are we actually celebrating? A year of hell!?

I get very angry towards him because he never sleeps, I feel this red mist descend and I have to leave the room. This is not the person I was or who I want to be.

I cry a lot in front of the children and although my partner is very supportive and understanding I feel like he really doesn't understand.

I just want this to end.

Hi OP, I'm not a parent so can't really provide any constructive advice but didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

It's been such a tough year and you've been through so much, so your feelings are completely understandable.

I suppose for the 1st birthday, going through the motions and trying to celebrate anyway may either help or at least prevent future guilt over not celebrating your baby's milestone birthday. I've been heavily depressed at numerous points in my life and understand that that's easier said than done though!

Am hoping some lovely ladies will be along soon to provide some tips and life experience. All I can say at this point is that my mother also suffered from PND for years after my birth - she was a wonderful mother and she did overcome the depression in the end and ultimately enjoyed motherhood (she has discussed this with me).

Could your partner maybe take more responsibility during the night time wakings to give you some rest and peace?