Help me live a day to day life

[BuggeringBugger]

I don’t know if this the right place for this, it probably isn’t.

But I’m just asking for some help.
I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety for quite a long time, I had CBT 3 years ago, it helped a little but I didn’t get as many sessions as I would have liked, or felt I needed. I have been on sertraline and trazodone and I’m currently trying mirtazapine, my doctor had been great he has referred me to the community mental health team, I’m just waiting for them to get in touch.

But I’m struggling to live my daily life nowadays. I think of suicide at least 3 times a day. I get stuck in cycles of binge eating until I feel sick but I can’t be sick because I’m so terrified and then I withhold food from myself for days. I lose 12lb, I put 5 back on, the cycle is never ending.
I had a job I really liked last year but I got asked not to come back because one dinner time I felt a bit emotional and overwhelmed and had a little cry in the staff room, I acknowledge I shouldn’t have done that and because I was only on a temporary contract it was easy to let me go.

I have had 2 jobs since and within a month I had left both, because it has made my anxiety so much worse I feel like I can’t do anything. I walk in a shop without my partner and I have a panic attack now, I don’t want to be this co-dependant person who doesn’t exist without her partner. I spend my evenings sobbing, especially as of late.

I have had difficulties in my life, I am aware of that, I was sexually abused by my teacher 15 years ago, I had suffered 4 deaths in 5 years in my family, sadly suicide has taken 2 family members and my biological father has schizophrenia.
But I don’t want to feel sorry for myself anymore, I want to have some money I want to help my family out, I’m lucky my partner is understanding and there for me but since Christmas time I just don’t really feel much. I’m reaching the end of my tether while I wait for this help, so someone please kick me up the bum and just tell me how to pull my socks up and get on with life and working. I don't care about happy, content without heart palpitations for at least some of the time would be great.

There's a CBT course called beating the blues' that NHS can give you access to for free. Online self learning. I found it useful to ground me and give me something healthy to focus on. As you GP while you are waiting?

Could you simplify things into a routine to try help the eating issues? Plan a weeks meals at a time and try to stick to the plan. Put simple things in the right quantity in the plan and follow it. Not sure if that would work for you.

If the Mirtazipine is not helping you after 3 months or so, go back to your GP.

I hope you feel better soon. Feeling like this is an illness, it's not you.

I will ask my doctor about that, I would take anything, he's been really good so far.
And I think a good plan is the way to go I know I shouldn't binge or starve myself, I get into a pattern of the behaviour and it becomes hard to break.

Thank you, it's helped just venting and I can ring the doctors this morning when they open.