I'll try not to write War and Peace. (failed, sorry)
Five years ago I was very physically fit, took care of myself, had a social life and a decent enough job. I was very much a capable person. My biggest strength was I suppose that if I wanted to do something or something needed doing I would get up and work out how and go for it. I was very supportive, I would say over involved and overly leaned on, by my family and to a lesser extent partner. I have always suffered with depression and anxiety since I can remember. Sometimes it got me very down but I still managed to keep going for the most part.
In 2018-2019 things in my life went totally to shit. In the interests of not making this longer, it really doesn't matter what. Suffice to say that after deteriorating under the weight of all the problems I cracked and had basically a huge breakdown in 2019. This year has been slightly better in terms of actual issues but I have been too depressed to really function for most of it (yes, an improvement on 2019) and my health has really suffered in part due to alcohol use and injuries that make it hard to walk.
I come from a odd background. I get that other people have a far worse time of things as regards abuse than I ever experienced but it seems to have stuck to me..that's the only way I can explain it. I think it's because when it comes to some of the control/manipulation and the abusive side to things..I didn't actually realise how bad it was. It made life hard, unhappy and confusing but for some reason I never put the pieces together. In essence I felt these last two years that I had been set up to fail from day one and that I wanted life to end and there was no hope.
During the past two years it has been like someone turned the light switch off within me. I didn't care or want to be here anymore. Although some of the problems I face still (and some as a result of the last two years) are complex and difficult, the person I was would be able to tackle them. The person I have been the last two years was not.
Two days ago, it was like someone turned that switch back on. Not like Blackpool illuminations springing into life or anything...more like where before there was a total absence, now there is something there. It's so hard to explain. To be honest it's like before I was dead already.
So, now, I want to very tentatively start improving my situation. The thing is, I am in very poor health, I can't have too much pressure heaped on me, everything is very fragile. I got a huge long letter from my DM recently (NC) and tbh.... I just can't take all her emotional overload on. There are a few things in my life (still with partner) that I feel I have the wherewithal to take on, and some I do not. I got into this situation in the first place by being totally overloaded. I think people are just going to have to accept me as I am now or .... not and just leave me be.
Just curious if anyone has felt the same as this and maybe how you approached making your life better. My situation is not good and I am scared, but also actually wanting to do something about it or even face the idea of that has "not computed" for a long time.
Throughout my life I've been someone that others feel it is fine to dump their problems on, take their emotions out on and generally rely on to pick up the slack. Well, I can't now, I don't even know if I can help myself.