am i going mad???????

[tron]

After I had DS nearly 6 years ago I thought I'd made the biggest mistake of my life - I just wanted to run away from him. I had DD 18 months ago and I really hate leaving her. When pregnant with DD I confessed to my midwife how I felt about DS etc and how I'd seriously considered suicide and that I was no good at anything and a crap mum etc. Everytime DS was naughty it was my fault.

Any ay I started feeling down and very weepy after DD birth so midwife got GP to come and see me and I was put on AD's. I've also been seeing a CPN for nearly a year and have seen a consultant a couple of times now. I don;t know if I'm really depressed or just making it up and fooling myself and everyone else and wasting their time. I can't stop feeling guilty about giving up breast feeding both dc's and even thinking about it makes me cry. consultant has asked me to bring dh with me for my next appointment - is this to catch me out so they can see if i'm making it up - i don't confidee in anyone as i don't think anyone will understand

sorry this is so rambling i just don't know how to explain everything

I'm surethat they only want dh there so that they can talk to you both - it's a joint problem after all, if you feel like this!The 'feeling no-one will understand' is classic depression talking, as is the 'wastin everyone's time' and beating yourself up over not BFing. You should be seeing a doctor, not just the midwife or HV.
Oh and you're not wasting ANYONE's time. You sound as if you need help, so keep posting and I'm sure everyone here will talk to you.

Hi Tron,
So sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I too, often felt like running away /suicide after having ds. I found and still find the sheer responsibility of motherhood overwhelming. I took every random passer by comment to heart eg. oh look he 's hungry, tired, where's his hat etc to heart and convinced myself I was a crap mum.
I sought help after getting some advice on here and recognising my behaviour was symptomatic of PND. After ADS everything seemed much clearer, thank God.
I still fell guilty and inadequate alot. Like you say I remember feeling terrible after giving up bf at 4 months but we got on better with bottle.
They are not trying to catch you out by asking dh to attend appt. It is to get a whole picture as with PND your own perception can be a bit distorted.
Please try to give yourself some slack and know that you are doing your best. You are braver than me in having a second child. I am too scared that I am not a good enough mum.
You are NOT going mad, just trying to deal with what sounds like another bout of PND.
Take care xx

Nobody thinks you're making this up! Sometimes people get a bit low and need extra support - you've done the right thing by accepting that extra help.

Taking your DH along is so he can be involved in helping you come through this by supporting you at home. Nothing more sinister.

A wise GP once told me that if you think you're going mad then you must be sane, because mad people don't realise there's anything wrong with themselves! You're not mad but you're having depressive problems, which will get better with the help you're getting.

Others will be along with better advice soon.

i am seeing my doctor - i hate going cos i always think the receptionist think oh it's her again - she must be a hypocondriac

But what if there is nothing wrong with me and i'm just making it all up and convincing myself there is something wrong. I'm never sure what to say when they ask me how i feel etc. And then I just go around in circles.

CPN says it's to do with my childhood - mother is 'alcohol dependant' and i haven't spoken to her for 6 years - I was 9 months pg and going on a 30 miles round trip to visit her in hospital after she admitted herself as she was yellow and sicking up blood. The week she was released my brother found her in the bathroom unconsious s she took medication with alcohol.she told me she's been raped by a neighbour (but the guy said she invited him and when she woke up in the morning she started shoouting rape) and that the guy at the off licence keeps following her - she's actually been barred from the locals and spent a night in the cells for shuting and causing a scene. I don't drink incse i can't stop and end up like her. My family aren't close.

I'm sure people don't like me and would rather I wasn't there. I go over and over conversations I have with people deciding if what they say is true etc. If I text people and the don't reply straight away i think ive done something to upset them. Logically I know some things aren't true etc but I cn't help the feeling and thoughts popping in my head.......mayb i am just nuts

thanks chubby (sorry about calling you that0 and ckeeky monk.

I know what you are saying is right ......i'm not brave having a 2nd. I thought if number 2 was well behaved, happy, easy to ptty train then it would show everyone that ds's problems weren't all my fault - it sounds awful reason for having another child - DD is absolutley beautiful though and is a very good girl

You're not 'nuts'.

I'm sorry you have had a difficult upbringing and for your mum's problems.

Maybe you could write down incidents or examples of incidents which worry you, for example not getting a reply to a text. Then you can use what you've written as a way of communicating to your doctor how you feel, if you struggle to explain things verbally.

Can I ask, is your depression constant or does it sometimes give way for short periods during which you're feeling really good?

it's always there but the more i think about stuff the worse it gets. When I think about my mum, or people talk about when they were at school/childhood hols etc and especially when I listen to people talking about breastfeeding I get very upset/guilty/anxious or all of it which is ridiculous as i can't change the past

I think it's totally normal and understandable (not nuts!) for you to be upset by these things and maybe the depression is making it hard for you to be able to deal with your feelings just now. I don't think the doctor will think you're making anything up - you shouldn't be frightened to keep talking and asking for help as long as you feel you need to.

thanks scots burd - it's so much easier to 'talk' to people without having to look at them

Hi Tron - how are you feeling today?

Hi Tron, just to say, i think it is good you will be taking DH with you to next appointment, going to see the doctor with me helped my DP to appreciate that i am unwell and cannot just pull myself together. It saved our relationship. It is so difficult to understand mental illness and depression, especially if a loved one is affecteed.

I dont think you are fooling yourself or wasting anyones time, if you feel like shit then you deserve some help to get over it.

Hope you feel better soon

had a shit day....was at work and worrying my dd thinks i've left her as she was wailing when i left. DS's friend was over for tea yesterday she had to go home early as she hurt herself so i'm obviously crap and not responsible enough to look after other peoples kids. plus i get home and find the builders oposite have done something to the gas supply so i've got no heating and dh who has ben home since lunchtime didn't see the card and sort it out so i'm cold.

oh i don't know sometimes i just feel like i'm feeling sorry for myself - others have it much worse i just can't seem to shake it

tron, you are allowed to have days when you feel sorry for yourself you know. Everyone does it, it is when the bad days outweigh the good and those negative thoughts haunt you as you describe, is when you have a problem. What ADs are you taking, what dose?

Most of us here on this forum are either in a similar boat or have been there, so we do understand at least the basics of what you are going through, you talk away, i know it helps me when i have had a bad day.

Yes, there are people out there who are having to deal with lots of shit, funnily enough, i didnt break down until all the shit i was having to deal with was done and dusted.

How long have you been on your meds by the way.

thanks lucyellensmum sorry for grumbling!

i started on citalopram last june but i found they didn't do anything (i went from 20mg gradualy up to 60mg) I'm on venlafaxine now with the dosage going up to 225mg a couple of weeks ago. I started on them in december on 75 mg

dont apologise. Heavens it helps me to read other peoples experiences as i can reassure myself that i am not barking as well

I am a citalopram girl, i think its the best thing since sliced bread, although it is not working as well as it has been, it started on 20mg, but quickly went up to 40mg. Not sure i want to do the 60 as it does make me a bit weird sometimes.
I dont know anything about the meds you are taking.

I have not had any phsychiatric assesment, and i am starting to wonder if i do need it. But i figure i will probably have to turn up at the surgery with my undies on my head to get that sort of help. The thing is, i dont equate mental illness with being "mad". The brain is such a complex thing, it is only understood at the very basic level, is there any wonder that sometimes people have issues? No one is ashamed or embarrased if they have diabetes or a heart condition, so im not embarrased about my slightly screwed up head. I dont tend to talk about it to my friends although i have told a few close friends about the ADs. Ive not really discussed my problems in any great detail. Not because im embarrased but i honestly dont think people will get it!

Anyway, im waffling now, DP is late home, and im knackered and getting low blood sugar waiting for my dinner! I am making a thai curry cobbled together from a bit of chilli and ginger, i hope i dont poison him. But if he doesnt come home soon , i may have to eat the dog!

TRON-i would just like to say that you seem like a wonderful person. not a 'crap' mum.
i know what you mean about sending a text and not getting a reply. i always feel the same, even with DP when he doesnt text back straight away. i hate going out in public as i always feel that they are talking about me etc
please try not to put yourself down. i know it is hard not to.
sorry, i know this hasnt been much help really has it, but just wanted to let you know that if you ever wanted to chat you could email me/text me.
my email is [email protected]
chin up girl, your doing a great job
love donna X

when i read threads like this it gives me hope for humanity, it really does. There is Tron and Santa, up to their eyes with their own problems, taking the time to say kind words to another mum in trouble. I applaude both of you, its easy for me to post today because im having a good day. You both clearly have the empathy to be great mothers, and you so obviously are.

he he he about eating dog lucyellensmum

thanks donna that's really kind of you - i might take you up on it and i'm sure you'll regret it then!!

i hate going out in pulic becuase i think people are talking about me - i don't have photos taken ever as i'm sure people will think i look horrible - i can't bear to look either or even in the mirror. and Santa you have all been a help because it helps to know there are more people like me that i realised!!

I can't help being embarrassed about being 'unwell'. When I go to the consultant at the hospital i have to go to the 'Mental Health Wellbeing & Outpatients Dept' and I always go in with my head down - i don't want people to see me going in or out. I even hate picking up my prescrition at the chemists - if it was unsulin or something i wouldn't feel like this

TRON-you have nothing to feel embarassed about. nothing at all. everyone, at some point in their life, feels depressed, and if they say they havent, then they are lying.
i have been depressed since my teens, i used to feel that i was worthless and didnt deserve to live. i used to drink badly and self harm, it got to the point where one day, i would of seriously injured myself. so i went away. only for a month but it really helped clear my head.
i know that this probably isnt an option for you, with your dc, but, it may be worth looking into doing something for YOU!
what do you like doing? writing,drawing,stiching etc etc etc
every sunday night i want you to do something, not for me, not for your dc, or any1 else.
write down 5good points about yourself, and 5bad points. then look at the differences.
set yourself the target of trying to change the way you feel about yourself.
e.g-if you dont like your hairstyle-go get it changed.
does any of what i have said make sense?
probably not lol
oh and i wont regret the offer to chat i promise you!
lots of hugs for you hun x

everyone is so kind - and you don't even know me!

Hi Tron - we don't need to know you! SOmetimes you just need to see things from 'outside' - that's what we do!
Hope you are feeling better today?