I’m really not sure why I’m writing this, I think maybe it’s a baby step towards getting help
I don’t know what is wrong with me, I know need help but I can’t reach out and get it.
I have suffered from depression my whole adult life, when I was 23 I had a breakdown and was diagnosed with a severe depression, I went on antidepressants for a while, I felt a bit better so came off them. Since then my depression has come and gone, I’ve had some awful low times and some that have been ok.
After I had my dc2 6 year ago i suddenly developed ridiculous fears about the house going on fire or being in a car crash and I would worry about it for hours in end. I realise now that this was the start of some sort of anxiety problem but at the time I thought it was normal. I had dc3 3 years ago and ended up having a really traumatic birth which was my own fault, both me and dc had health emergencies following the birth and I was sure we would die. In the end we were both ok, but a few weeks later one of my other children had a serious asthma attack out of the blue and was hospitalised. After this i developed what I guess is anxiety, I couldn’t leave my house or drive anywhere without having panic attacks, I couldn’t walk round a shop without having a panic attack. Although the panic attacks don’t happen so often now, I have health anxiety about me and my Dcs, I became convinced that my older dc had something seriously wrong with her and would stay awake all night crying about it. I still worry all the time about either one of my kids dying or me dying and leaving them without a mum, often I can’t sleep because I’m worrying about the house going on fire or my dc having an asthma attack.
Through all this I haven’t told a single person what is happening to me, my Dcs dad knows I worry about things but he doesn’t know that I have panic attacks. It’s hard to explain why but I feel like I am numb emotionally. For the last few years the only emotions I seem to be able to feel are fear and anger.
I haven’t been able to keep or make friends and I have distanced myself from my family to the point that I talk to my mum in the phone once a fortnight and that’s all the family contact I have. I recently told my Dcs dad I want to separate which I think is for the best but I really don’t know. I have no feelings of sadness or happiness about it even though we have been together for 16 years.
My life feels so pointless, it’s just stress and worry and no happiness. I can’t maintain relationships with people. I feel like I live in a bubble where I can see people but I have no real connection with them. I love my kids and try my best to maintain a life that appears outwardly normal but I’m worried about the effect I have on them. I want to be normal. I’m not sure why I can’t go to a doctor and ask for help but to actually open my mouth and say “there is something wrong with me” feels impossible, not just that I would find it difficult but that I physically couldn’t do it.