I’m not sure if I’m posting this in the right place...I think I may have been sexually abused as a child but I can’t remember the abuse.
It’s a long story but my mum and real dad split when I was 1..she met another man when I was around 2 who she stayed with till I was 6, he was know to me as my real dad. I loved him and saw him / thought he was my real dad (only found like when I was about 7). When they split up me and him still saw each other every other weekend as he’d raised me as his own child and I didnt really see him any differently. He was violently abusive to her and that’s why they split but I always remember him being very good with me ..he has a drinking problem but when he was sober he did a lot with me and I was probably closer to him than my mum as she worked away a lot.
I kept seeing him every other weekend until I was 9. I couldn’t really remember why we stopped seeing each other...my mum met someone else and I was very messed up round that age and as a teenager, self harming etc. I thought he stopped seeing me because my mum met someone else and kind of pushed him out ..so I always resented my mum for it.
When I was about 21 me and my mum went on holiday together...got really drunk and I asked her..I told her I still missed him and don’t understand what happened. She told me one weekend that he had me..I came home really upset and said he’d touched my breasts?! She said I was really upset and didn’t want to see him again. I literally don’t remember any of this but I also don’t remember anything about how we stopped being in touch. She said she spoke to him and it sounded like a misunderstanding, he’d helped me get changed and Id been self conscious because I was was getting older and more conscious of my body or something. She never thought anything bad had happened..she said after that I just ‘grew out of him’ and lost touch.
I just don’t understand though why I don’t remember any of this. I’m 30 now but even when I was 20 I don’t remember this time of my life.
I’ve always had this feeling that something bad happened I can’t put my finger on why but if there’s ever anything on tv or the news about child abuse it seems to really affect me. I started my own family last year and had a daughter...since having her something has happened where I keep obsessing over my past. I keep seeing how vulnerable she is and it feels like it’s bringing back memories or something...it makes me so angry that anyone could do that to a child.
This is just a rant really..it’s something I try not to think about because I almost don’t want to know but lately I feel consumed by it. I had my suspicions before my mum told me the story but I only ever remember my step dad being kind.