Feeling lost

[JustWonderer]

Sorry. I'm new here. I'm not sure where to begin.

I'm feeling really lost. I'm the mummy of a beautiful 2 year old. He's a happy young man. I'm married to my childhood sweetheart. I have been with my DH for ten years.

With everything so perfect. Why do I feel so incredibly empty?
I've definitely got depression. I know that. I just can't understand why.

I look around and I know I'm very lucky. I know many women would kill to have what I have. So why do I feel so lost with it all?
The only reason I'm writing this is because of my little one. Id never leave him.
But I stay and I wonder why. I feel so incredibly empty.

I hate everything about myself, I hate to sound cliche but, I hate the way I look and I'm pretty stupid when it comes down to intelligence or general life knowledge.

I feel so bad for my husband. He has to sleep next to me. Some nights, like tonight, I can barely stand to be near him - not because I don't live him. But because I don't deserve him.
He's a kind and loving man and an amazing father.
And he could do so much better than me. Sometimes I feel so utterly stupid and I know he must think the same.

I feel like the two of them would do so much better without me. When I'm in another room, I hear them. They get along so well. My husband is the favourite parent to our son too - I think that's ok. I wouldn't be my favourite either given the choice. In fact I understand. If I don't want me, why would my son want me? Or my husband?

I don't know why I feel so inadequate. I've tried so hard to change. I try to read to improve my knowledge and at least seem smarter. I try to work out, I've stopped eating meals.

I stopped eating meals because I thought it would help me lose weight. But I'm still overweight. One meal per day and in the last month I've lost 1lb.

I feel like I'm going to be told to stop moaning because I don't really have any problems. The issue is that I'm wide awake at 1am now, while my family sleeps. And I sit and cry for hours.

Why am I not good enough for them? Why does it all feel so very pointless? I feel like I'm an added extra in everyone's lives. I know I wouldn't be missed. But I stay because I don't want to disappoint people. I don't want to fail at leaving and feel worse than I do now.

Please tell me I'm not alone here?
Am I always going to just wonder through life feeling so lost and empty?

I’m really sorry you’re feeling so bad and from what you’ve written it sounds like you’re very depressed. Depression drags you down and suddenly you realise you can’t lift yourself up anymore without some help. Have you thought about talking to your GP?
All the things you think and feel about yourself is down to the depression. I’m sure your DH & DS love you very much and certainly don’t think any of the things you think they do. Missing meals and not looking after yourself will just make you feel worse. Trying to eat properly and sleep enough will help you feel physically stronger to cope with how you’re feeling emotionally. You could do a self referral for talking therapy which may help work out why you’re feeling like you do. Being in lockdown and all the limitations that brought is probably having a big impact on you too so please don’t think you’re alone.