Is it enough to want to get better?

[Vates]

So sorry this is so long and rambling, if you make it to the end, have a cookie :) I first got mentally ill at 14 but it wasn't picked up until I was 16. I was put on prozac and told to self-refer to counselling. Mum (although definitely felt loved by her) would abuse alcohol and Dad had just left.

I used to feel much safer when I had the care of a cpn and psychiatrist (from 19 until 26, I was in supported housing which had a care package). I couldn't keep living with different people every year though, partly me and partly them (all tenants had mental health problems). After 5 years I was dying for my own space.

I live in a first floor flat by myself these days but also no care. I have approached the mental health services over the years when in crisis but pretty much told; go to a&e if your self-harm requires attention. So these days it is usually emailing the samaritans (which are really helpful but still feel guilty using up resources!).

I am on 60mg Duloxetine daily for anxiety and 4mg Risperidone nightly for preventing, for me personally, hallucinations and to relax me before bed and crazy thoughts.

Most days I just wake up thinking, ok, sucks, you're awake again. But also, try harder to be positive and look for things to ease anxiety or make me feel 'happier'. I turn 36 next month. The worst thing I dread is getting old, seriously is this what I have to do until I die (of natural causes)? I try not to dwell on that as it freaks me out. I don't work but I am hardly living the high life. The one thing that keeps me going is my Sister's dogs. But I soon realised when were having a talk the other day about them (she's my support bubble and has been since it was allowed, I go every Tuesday). One turns 10 this year and she said when he passes she won't be getting company for the one remaining dog. And then she said when the other passes 'they might have some time without a dog'. I just nodded but instantly thought, well, I won't want to come around as much.

I have a Nephew (3 years old) and a Niece on the way. Couldn't love them anymore and hope they grow up happy and healthy. But children really test my patience and are demanding. I do not enjoy spending time with them by choice. Please be aware I would never hurt/harm a child, it just gives me so much anxiety even with my own Nephew as I just constantly feel like he's going hurt himself (& that stresses me!).

Whereas the dogs are like a therapy to me. I am the dogsitter. Pre-covid, whenever they went on holiday I would stay with them at my Sister's house (1 week, 2 weeks at the longest). They are work but I love their hugs and kisses and the fact they are happy to see me even if I just popped to the bathroom, lol.

I didn't go out at all until my Sister got her first dog 10 years ago but I got into a routine and caught the bus to look after him whilst they were both at work. & then the other one coming along 3 years later meant that I would catch the 7am bus and stay until 4pm so they wouldn't be alone. They were/are my motivation. I will be completely lost without them.

I know it might 4/5 years away until they both pass but what then?!

Borrow my dog?
www.borrowmydoggy.com/

Volunteer (after Covid when they are taking on volunteers again)
www.dogstrust.org.uk/get-involved/volunteering/

Volunteer dog walkers for

www.bluecross.org.uk/volunteer

www.rspca.org.uk/-/blog_a_guide_to_voluntary_dog_walking

There must be somewhere near you where you could spend time with dogs. It could open a whole new world for you!

Unfortunately I need support to go to new places alone (it sounds like a cop out to someone who's never seen me in a new place even with support). I have just started going to my usual supermarket alone again (literally today, I was pouring with sweat but that was normal before and I go through the self checkouts but had to get some energy vouchers on my key which was my real test: I passed & was like I can do this!) My Sister is my one major support (she got my shopping before but I can definitely push myself to take over it now by myself again) but with her pregnancy this has to be stepped backed pretty sharpish (obviously with the new arrival and especially not wanting drive when heavily pregnant). I have one friend who lives close but she is disabled so can't get out without her carer.

I would definitely need more support going forward as you can't mess about with being around nervous dogs. That is one thing I learnt from doing my work experience at an animal shelter (I love animals but was appalling at it, I would rather clean out their cages than mess them up, lol). I am expert poop scooper on dog walks!

I can’t advise about the dogs but wanting to get better can make a difference but sometimes we don’t see the progress we’ve made and that can feel a bit ‘what’s the point?’

Keeping a journal, making a note in your phone, even just coloured post its to mark days you feel good and/or achieved something, no matter how small, can help.

These remind you on days that you feel worse that a) you can and do and will feel differently and b) give you ideas about what can change your mood for the better.

One of my counsellors gave me a list of over a 100 things varying in effort eg have a bath, write a letter, say hello at a check out to the staff member, ride a bike, go for a walk outside, take notice of your breathing, put the radio on

It helped when my mind was too full to even think of something myself. Then I started to add my own, personal to me, stroke the cats, visit a cartoon page, plant something, read a book, write about something.

For a long while I had made no progress and was ‘treading water’, then once a particularly damaging thing was out of my life I made progress. Fits and starts and set-back but I try to see all movement as beneficial now and that’s working for me.

You may have tried this and not seen the benefit immediately but it does build up over time if you want to give it a go (or a second or third go)

I also found giving other people second or third chances didn’t help - but giving myself more chances to try again does help.