Anxiety for the future - growing old alone

[RxCx]

I know this may come across really silly to some, probably most, but it is something that has been creeping in to my mind more and more lately and I just need to get it out.
I'm 28 years old and happily married, however we are both only children with small families. All of a sudden I have this fear - what if we can't have children? If we can't have children, what happens when we get older and need more assistance. I'm not for one minute saying that's the only reason I'd want children, of course it isn't. But it dawned on me that if I didn't, what would happen and I can't get the worry or thought out of my mind. I now live with constant anxiety and I'm not sure how to get passed it. I'm at the age where all my friends are starting families, I see it all over social media and adverts. I wouldn't say we are actively trying yet, but we are not taking precautions either. My partner is very much of the mindset if it happens it happens and if it doesn't thats ok too, but it's not as simple as that for me.

Does anyone else ever think/worry about this?

Hi your not alone I worry about this too, I look at large families and I'm green with envy.

Things just didn't turn out like that for me. Sometimes I visualise myself as a old person with nobody visiting me sitting at Christmas alone. I would try to live in the present more rather than the future

Sorry to burst your bubble

But what if you end up with a child who resents caring for you?

Please don't have kids and put that burden on them. Let them live as they please. And save to pay for help in old age.

Yep. Single mum with an only child. A bit older than you. I've accepted it because I can't do much about it, I don't have any other options. Don't waste head space on this in your situation. You have your DH and you're young, focus on that.

We have a very small family

Dh myself and dc. I too worry about the future even with dc.
It is the support network that having a larger family has.
I grew up in a larger family and even though no one got on they would not see a relative homeless or on their own at Christmas or without care or help if they were struggling. It was family and family no matter how much you hated them you didn’t turn your back on them
It meant that if someone started a business or new job and it failed there was always the extended family to support them through bad times.

We as a family having only just us and a couple of elderly relatives it is us who are giving the support and if we were to start a business, even if it could be incredibly profitable we can’t risk anything as we are the safety net and there isn’t any safety net for us

My friend told me the other day that he worries for my future. As I'm 39 and single. With one sister and no children. It terrifies me that I'm going to be completely alone.

I'm a single, childfree only child (35 and all by choice and I love being an only child) and honestly, this doesn't worry me - because I like my own company and I'm happy by myself. And you can't predict the future.

Friends count for a lot - my three closest are more like sisters and I plan to retire with one who is also choicefully single.

My view on care is I'm working to save for it so it isn't a worry for me.

I have worried about it even less since sitting with my Mum and Dad, holding Dad's hands as he passed away - we were with him, but as much as we love him, we couldn't go with him. That last step is ours to take alone - so I think it's really important to value what you have, live for now and if you're not happy, make whatever changes you can towards what will make you happy.

Your feelings are totally valid OP but none of us can predict the future so try not to worry too much about specifics

Isn't it the case that you work on your friendships more if you have less family? Certainly my childfree or single friends do this. We are all getting older and my single friends are talking about possibly moving closer to each other for support. They actively do stuff - running clubs, volunteering, singles holidays, part time jobs, at the moment covid vaccination marshals! Being on your own is a worry and it could happen to any of us, but we have to be proactive in minimising the chances of it I guess.

I too worry about this but I try to remind myself it's useless. Unfortunately bad things can happen to anyone - rifts, death etc. Families move great distances apart or fall out. Wives often outlive husbands. Having a partner or kids is no guarantee of never ending up alone at any point. It's best to live in the present, what you're telling yourself is an utterly made up narrative that you can't predict the truth of.

I have worried about this too as it's just me and my sister, but on the other side my father is from a family of 11 and though some of them are close, he cannot depend on them in a crisis.

Also I don't mean to be morbid, but old age is not promised to any of us. I lost the love of my life when she was just 33 and 2 wonderful friends who were 50 and 54. All any of us have is today, but we can still make great plans for the future

You never know what's going to happen. My DH had a brother but he died of cancer in his early 30s. I have friends who have lost children. My dad (late 60s) has a friend whose mother still lives happily and independently in her late 90s.
Don't waste time worrying like this. Whatever happens around family in life, invest time and energy in good friendships and you will always have a support network around you

Kids or not it's prudent to try to make some sort of plan as you get older. Look at what homes or care services are in your area should it be needed. Living wills, that sort of thing.

OP I do to an extent understand your fears.

I'm an only child, of an only child, with an only child.

Personally I don't want my only child to ever feel responsible for my care as I grow old. I want to take responsibility for it myself, and for whatever authorities are still standing when I get there to take control if necessary.

I hope to live a long and full life, but there are no guarantees. Once I near the end of my life I don't want to clip DS' wings or make him feel responsible for me.

I'm terrified of the future. I'm highly unlikely to have children, I'm asexual so will be forever single (I've zero interest in having a relationship), I have one brother who is unlikely to provide me with nieces or nephews as he has fertility issues. He does have a step daughter but she is 16 and we aren't that close.

I have worked as a carer and saw so many people in their 60s and above with zero family. I'm terrified I'll be like that.

Well from what Ive seen, its not so much of a problem getting care for elderly single people, the social workers will have home visits arranged to help those people who need it. For those who are needing more and more help, entry to a home will be arranged. This occurs with older people whether or not they have kids, though it is true that kids do care for their parents quite often too. What the really difficult thing is is getting the elderly person to accept the offer of help! The sw spent months no years getting my dad to allow a home help. I couldnt do it, i lived in a different county with children who needed me. My sister couldnt do it, she was a senior midwife. My other sister couldnt do it she lived in the states. So this is not a rational thing to worry about really. You may have children, but even though they will love you enormously they may not be in a position to help you anyway. In fact, you may well be one of the stubborn ones when it comes to it and insist you dont need any help. In fact some really dont need help! My 97 yo fatherinlaw manages perfectly well on his own!

Having kids doesn’t mean they will care for you when you are old, or need care. What if they work full time/live too far away/don’t like you/just don’t want to… Don’t have a child with any kind of expectation like that, things might not work out the way you thought.