Do you constantly worry that you will f*** up your kids?

[JustTrying2021]

Good evening, I’m looking for some of your thoughts please...

I am currently undergoing treatment for CPTSD and an eating disorder as a result of the abuse I suffered in childhood by my mother.

I constantly worry that my children will be affected negatively by me as I was by my parent. I’ve never hurt them and know I never will but I can’t shake the fear that somehow I will end up raising them with the issues I have. I know full well their upbringing is the total opposite of mine yet I worry about my impact on them constantly.

Does anyone else have similar concerns and if so, are they routed in experience or is it “normal”.?

Thanks - my therapist suggested I ask others if they feel the same.

Yup. No MH history for me, but work in a busy A&E that sees a large number of kids. Separated and definitely my parenting is stricter than her dads. She's only young (8) but I constantly worry that I'm too strict and she'll have ongoing issues from how I parent, use cannabis- easy access to it from other household, and generally go off rails. I juts have to remember that this isn't a guarantee, it's a possibility like it is for many kids, and also doesn't affect that many. You have insight, which is more than your mum had, and that is usually the biggest first step to take

@JustTrying2021s upu suffer in many ways through your life.
I hope it helps a little bit that its not you that feels this way.
I'm sure you're a great mum

Sorry, that makes no sense- I managed to delete most of my message before posting...

I have an Ill child up so will just say for now that you are not alone.
I am tormented by worries I'm not making my kids happy enough or doing anything well enough.
I know it's a direct result of the abuse i suffered in childhood.
It's got to be a good thing we care so much tho...

Yep. Worry about the effect of screens on my dd in particular.

Absolutely yes.

Whatever Philip Larkin thought, no, it’s not inevitable you’ll f**k them up. You have insight into your problems and you’re getting appropriate help from a qualified adult professional. You aren’t using your kids for therapy, acting out without self-awareness or treating them abusively. Furthermore, in seeking support you’re giving them at least two powerful messages: it’s ok to seek help and you value yourself enough to do so.

Yes I have worried from the start and tbh I feel quite sad because I feel like I don't give them a very good life even though I have tried very hard.

I think the fact that you are conscious of the thought is both positive and negative-
Positive because you are so aware of it and so you will never let what happen to you happen to them BUT
Negatively- you are so aware that it can affect your thoughts and make you over think the situation- sorry if that’s unclear.
I had a lovely childhood but have mental
Health issues in adulthood and I constantly feel I am messing things up for them when I’m low. This is because-
1, I work in a job where the focus is on attachment, adverse childhood experiences and how to protect children and I constantly mull this over with regard to my own children
And
2, when I’m low I feel so bad for them. I see others out enjoying themselves but think of mine indoors and I imagine they are suffering greatly. But they are not!! They are loved and I am good enough
Sorry a waffle but I hope you see that there are others out there who worry too but, you know what I bet you’re a great mum. We all are in our unique ways

I'm not worried about the impact of my parenting on my child as on balance I think I do 'better' most of the time, I try to reflect on my behaviour when I haven't done well and think about what I could change in the future. I'm not perfect, there is a lot of screaming and shouting, but there are a lot of hugs, cuddles and quality time too. My biggest worry is that my daughter will inherit my depression. However at the moment she is a strong, vibrant, character and she draws people to her, these are qualities that I think will protect her when she is older and I try to nurture these whenever I can.

I have OCD and am aware that they believe it has genetic links. I have three kids and for a while I was sort of constantly on the look out for signs that they may have inherited it. I chatted to my therapist and husband about it, and actually have come to realise that my life experience and knowledge is only ever going to be a good thing, because I’d know how to get them the help they needed early on when it’s most effective. I think I’m more empathetic than most, and I hope they know that they could talk to me if they wanted to about mental health.

To directly answer your question, I think that every mum wonders if they are screwing up their kids, but I think it frightens those of us with a history of MH difficulties more. But remember that there is an inordinate amount of stress on us now to protect our kids from any negative experiences that wasn’t there in previous generations, and lots of people turned out okay. And again - your history will only make you a better, more understanding person. Most people experience some MH difficulties at some point in their lives and you’re in a great place to help them.

I have no mental health issues or difficult behaviours. I don’t shout or punish the kids, never needed to! I’ve worked hard my whole life so the kids don’t go without. We have no trauma or chaos. I split with my ex husband but it was extremely amicable and we share everything 50/50. I now have an amazing DH whom my kids adore and we have a happy fun home...my kids are all still struggling with various MH issues and SEN. You can’t really influence it I don’t think. 🤔

I had a really loving parents and a great childhood and I sometimes feel like this too!

The thing about being ‘a good enough’ parent helps me. Also when I get anxious and catastrophise I try to put what ‘I think’ in that moment to one side and focus on what I know: which is that children who are fed, have a warm bed and are safe and loved are unlikely to be fucked up. They might have problems now or in the future but I will help them with those. When I’m feeling overwhelmed by parenting I make toast and hot chocolate and stick a film on. We don’t have to be perfect, we just have to be their safe person and love them.

I’m so sorry you had such a hard childhood. It sounds like you are definitely breaking the circle.

Yeah. I'm a negative, angry anxious menopausal menace. Nothing violent but boy do I see the world as very very bleak. I'm guarded and cynical.
Luckily her dad is stable.
I'm happier for her when she's around more positive folk to be honest.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to share your thoughts. I’ve found them really insightful and helpful, uplifting and sad. Parenting is hard work but being a Mum is the best thing I’ve ever done and I am trying to make things better for them and me every day. I hope those of you also struggling can find some help, it’s taken me a long time to accept my reality but I am striving to break that cycle and make things better from now on in. X x

Gunpowder- I love ‘make toast, hot chocolate and stick a film on’. Excellent advice- I’m going to do it