I can’t do another day like this.

[Goodmum1234]

Sat here in bed, I’ve been here all day and most of lockdown.

Working , 2 children who I adore. They are loved and looked after but I hate myself and feel like everything is going wrong.

Never fully recovered from Pnd 11 years ago nor bullying in the family. Think it literally broke my heart and mind.

Contemplating my life and it’s worthless. I’m fat, ugly, haven’t left the house since Christmas, lockdown has kept things covered up nicely but the effect on me is horrendous.

Children are wonderful but just see what a useless woman I am.

They are busy and happy playing with their dad as I hide away and sob. Then I start planning. I getting desperate. I drag up and relive every bad incident that has ever ever happened to me since i was 10 and I deserve it and I tell myself this.

Waft is happening to me and how do I end this cycle of destruction?

I'm sorry you are feeling this way OP.
Would taking some time off work be helpful? I know you're working from home, but if you weren't working, you could focus on your recovery.
Are you on antidepressants or spoken to your GP. Were you given help after your PND? X

And have you been diagnosed with any other MH conditions? X

I think you need to speak to your GP. You sound very unwell and it's time to get some help - this is no way to live, you deserve so much more

Hey, please don't feel like you’re useless. If you were, your children wouldn’t be wonderful! You sound depressed to me - that’s an illness, not a personality disorder. Have you spoken to your partner about how you really feel?
As soon as you can, contact your GP. You need to talk to someone who will listen, not judge you, and will support you.
Please take care x

Thank you all- welling up here.

Never taken antidepressants. Have had cbt in the past but currently at that low stage where I do not want to do anything as feel nothing will work/ not worthy.

Husband lovely but I tell him to find someone else. No sex life in years. My decision. I’m just very low and miserable.

Thank you for your care it means a lot.

I might add I cover this up brilliantly. People would never know. I am happy, jolly, the sensible one who people trust.
Inside I sometimes scream that I’m on the edge. That I plan to end it.

I feel friends would be shocked and surprised and I visualise them at my funeral. That’s how bad it gets. Then I manage to get a hold of the thoughts and tell myself my children need me.

I think it's worth exploring with your doctor. Anti depressants can help take the edge of things for you and hopefully make you cope a little better. Lockdown is horrible for everybody and it's hard always trying to put on a brave face. I get anxiety sometimes over nothing and I pop a pill and I feel like I can then get through the day without it defeating me. Honestly, it's worth trying out a little help and it can just be a temporary measure. When the sun is out shining amazing how things can seem so much better. See the doctor. Let us know how you get on.

Hi @Goodmum1234 how are you feeling today? The sun’s out where I live, is it sunny where you are?
I hope you feel OK enough to make an appointment with your GP. Are they doing online consultations? If so, you could go online today and look at getting a consultation.
Baby steps xx

Thank you so much soontobe60

Today is brighter after a horrific night. I think a call to the doctor is in order in the morning as this keeps coming back and worse.

Cannot yet face outside so I. Tackling the youngest’s bedroom rather than bed. I hate the way the house has got since lockdown.

Thanks all for your love and care last night. If I honestly tell you, it made way through the darkness in my head a d I could see glimmers of light which I’ve managed to cling onto this morning
Xxx

Yes please do ring the doctor, this is heartbreaking to read. Good for you getting the bedroom done, take small productive steps.

Your children are how they are because of you which is one of the biggest achievements going in my eyes.

Keep going OP, this will one day be a distant memory xxxxx

I'm so sorry you feel this way @Goodmum1234 . Please know that you are not useless and that your children love and need you. Do see your gp and have an honest chat with them about how you are feeling. See if you can get prescription for anti depressants - i was prescribed some last year for my anxiety and depression. Once I'd been taking them for a few weeks I felt a huge difference in my mental health - hopefully you can find a medication that will work for you. The way you feel now doesn't have to last forever.

🌼

How are you OP? Xxx

Hi all,

Thanks for your concern and care. I have made sure I have focused on it. I told some colleagues at work I was struggling and suffering and they have been amazing.
I have 3 walks planned with different people (not close friends so a mew perspective/ conversation) after lockdown as I mentioned my mental health was poor when they asked. I also mentioned I have not been out since December.

I managed work with lots of sleep in between as currently wfh which is actually quite isolating. The children are back at school so they are happier and the pressure is beginning to lift.

I didn’t call the doctor as I seemed to turn a corner but I’m dreading it rearing it’s ugly head again but I’ll do everything on my power to keep focusing on other things- anything!

The problem is the house has gone to pot over lock down and depression as I just left it. The mess is horrendous and unkept. I don’t know where to start as every room is awful and the washing has piled high. I’m avoiding it as I feel it starts to trigger low feelings again which is what I’m trying to avoid. A bad cycle indeed.

So, all much more positive thank you and I will keep you all posted 💐

I could have written this post (suspected PND 12 years ago followed by deep betrayal and emotional abuse by someone).
I know I'm fat and ugly and I've neglected myself.

I felt frazzled and stressed for years but it's now taken it's toll.

Because I near on had a nervous breakdown last month , I'm trying to do everything in my power to safe myself.

I've reached out for NHS therapy, I have anti depressants, I look into things online to meditate to. I'm trying my best.

If you give it a push if you can , you can save yourself too.

Deal with one thing at a time, not all in one go.
Only think and try to deal with the 5 most urgent matters - the rest can wait.

I wish I could help you OP. Always here for a chat or advice if you want to talk x

Good for you, I am so glad things have improved!

With the house, take very small steps and do one small task at a time, then celebrate your achievement with something that makes you happy, for example do a few dishes then have yourself a nice relaxing bath. A little mess never hurt anyone, as long as you and your children are warm, fed, healthy and have a roof over your head anything else can wait. Write yourself a little list of jobs and tick them off as you do them, don't set yourself a timeliness though, just do them as and when you have energy and motivation xxx

Thank you both.

Worried3012- we sound very alike. I’m Glad you are saving yourself. I am and will too. For me, bed rest is my sanctuary which is safe.

Yerawizatd- yes I will fo some today. Was thinking dining table and under so that we can have a proper dinner together. Small steps.

Xx

@Goodmum1234

Thank you both.

Worried3012- we sound very alike. I’m Glad you are saving yourself. I am and will too. For me, bed rest is my sanctuary which is safe.

Yerawizatd- yes I will fo some today. Was thinking dining table and under so that we can have a proper dinner together. Small steps.

Xx

You too are making the right steps and you will save yourself and get through this. I'm not out of it, I'm still in the throes of it all really and I too often think about my death. But it's so good you have a safe space even if it is your bed and keep talking it through whether on here or elsewhere.

You will have better days and one day the better days will start to outnumber the bad days. X

Worried 3012 I have unboxed you should you like to message me any time.
I am not out of it either, which concerns me greatly but today has been positive so far. I hope to continue like this to try to stop the negative thoughts etc because once that starts I seem to go on a downward spiral and start planning awful awful things. It’s almost like an out of body and mind experience.
I tell myself what a therapist once said, ‘imagine you are your own best friend. What would you tell her?’ At the worst points though I just get so upset at this.
Hope you’re managing today. X

Hi @Goodmum1234 Glad to hear you have made some steps to just getting through each day. I would definitely speak to your GP, you can well with most fill out a form online, I done it, it's called e consult, because most if not all are only doing telephone appointments initially. CBT is good but you could do with some medication which will help whilst you get through these much harder times.

I feel like I live in dirt and mess constantly with a DT and find meals a struggle, so I can appreciate that my place probably doesn't look so bad as I thought. It feels like everything needs doing, but you can't do that, so start somewhere, like you said you would do the dining table.
Washing can just be sorted and thrown in, do you have somewhere to dry it, so that it is easy to just hang it up afterwards?
I would take it room by room like I think you said you are.