I'm reluctant to post here because I'm pretty anxious but I have been feeling pretty depressed for a while now. It has been a huge combination of different factors really. I'm 38 and knew that I was a lesbian at 14, but back then I felt ashamed of it and did everything I could to try to fit in with everyone else and so I dated guys. This went on until a few years ago after I finally realised after an emotionally abusive relationship that I could no longer lie to myself and stay hidden in the closet. That particular relationship was with a guy almost 20 years older than me and it has left my self esteem in tatters.
He constantly told me that he was glad I would never have kids (I can't due to endometriosis) because they would 'look like gremlins'. Also that once I got to 40, 'nobody would want me'. I should not let this cruelty into my thoughts anymore, but it's something that constantly haunts me and that I can't seem to get out of my mind. I have spoken to my doctor and tried various medications but so far, they have had limited effect because all of these thoughts have clearly become so embedded. I speak to an amazing therapist once a week and that has made a big difference. He has said that I have made amazing progress since I first started to attend therapy, so that feedback means a lot
Before that relationship I was enthusiastic and happy person who loved meeting new people. Now I isolate myself and am terrified of meeting new people. I have some friends but they are all overseas or living far away and the friendships are more superficial.
I don't even know how to go about getting my confidence back. I already feel old and finished at 38 and hate feeling like this as I was once so full of fun and life. Every morning I wake up, I just don't want to be here. I used to be an elderly carer but now also have chronic fatigue.
Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation or have any tips as to how to become stronger again? Thanks for reading