Husband just seems so fed up when I'm upset

[unmummsymummy21]

I have always suffered on an off from mental health issues. I usually see therapists etc and try to stay proactive about it.

Needles to say, the last year has been very difficult for everyone. I had a baby just before things kicked off and I also suffer from terrible anxiety.

Covid threw me for a loop and I've literally been afraid for everyone I know and for my own life- as well as of course my baby's life. I had my DD just before the first lockdown and was pretty down after birth. Baby blues or perhaps PND, I don't know. My husband did not understand. I feel like he never does. He says I'm always 'like this' and that there's always ' something ' and I'm never happy. He even said when I was crying after having had the baby that I should just accept I was a mother now and my only alternative would be to leave and I wasn't going to do that.

I guess when I became a mother, I was overwhelmed with feelings of having lost my old life and freedom and I felt really trapped in my life and it felt like a life I didn't really want. I didn't expect those feelings and was really shocked. Those feelings have died down. I am still me and I don't need to feel trapped in this life and I love my DD so much.

My concern is my husband or maybe it really is me. I'm a really happy person generally outwardly. I am never grumpy ( he is all the time ) and if you asked anyone that knows me at work etc, they would describe me as a ray of sunshine ( my boss told me this, not bragging, just trying to paint a picture ). I'm also very sociable and make friends and connections easily. I'm basically trying to say- I don't think I'm unbearable to be around- even at home with my husband. But I do feel down and anxious at times and I would sometimes like to talk to him about it.

But I just feel like he can't be bothered and like it's just another thing on his plate and like I'm a huge nuisance.

Recently my problems have become physical, in the sense that I'll be fine and then I can't breathe due to my anxiety. I feel like I can't catch a breath. This happened for a few days a few weeks ago and I became quite a state because of it. It's really really horrible. It started happening again tonight and I thought maybe it will help if I talk to him. I told him I couldn't breathe again and he ignored me for a few minutes ( not the first time ). I then said, I'm having problems with my breathing again. He threw up both his arms and kind of shrugged and sighed and said ' what now '. He listened and I actually told him I feel like he can't be bothered and I just annoy him. He said he just doesn't know how to help.

It's not the first time. I don't even really bother saying much anymore, but basically the people I can actually confide in are getting fewer and fewer now. My mum just always tells me that I need to be stronger... and then bigs herself up for how she never felt like I do and she had it much worse. I used to talk to her, but she's just said stuff like this too many times how, that I actually try not to. My husband seems to just be fed up and also has his own issues, like we all do as we are all struggling. I speak to a counsellor once a week, which is something at least. But she's CBT and often speaks over me and it's quite matter of fact, rather than just you being able to talk. ( I had psychotherapy for a few years and I think I got used to that style, so CBT seems quite factual / cold now ).

Anyway, I know no one can answer this really - but is it me ? Am I that unbearably unhappy that my husband just can't listen to me anymore ? Am I one of those depressed people who drag everyone down ?

Strength/Self-confidence comes from a support framework. The more pieces you have in your framework the stronger you will be. Different people call the supports different things. Let's call them pots. You can have various pots, one from work, marriage, friends, hobby, surroundings etc. Ideally every pot is contributing something to your sense of happiness and confidence, but if say one or two pots suddenly start failing, well you still have the others to rely on - that's the theory anyway and you should always be careful not to over-rely on one or two things - when you do they drain quickly!

You sound like you're trying to mine a couple of pots for more than they contain -hence the frustration. This could be because the wells have run dry (i.e. you've relied on the people so much before they have nothing left to give - they're worn out), or because (more likely) you simply aren't communicating your NEEDS very effectively.

When you told your husband "you had trouble breathing again", what response did you need? How would that response help you? Think about this very carefully.

Your husband isn't a mind reader, so they won't know either - the only way for them to know is if you tell them (which may not work either). Like "when I'm feeling like this, it would be really helpful if you could xyz" {be specific). This is a conversation you need to have incidentally when you are NOT feeling emotional.

e.g. If I'd been your husband, I might be thinking, "Oh no - what can I do? Nothing I said last time seemed to make any difference... I can't help... What does she want me to do/say? I don't know - best do nothing and wait see what happens....."

If I was you I might say to them, look I get really anxious sometimes, and it's difficult for me to explain why. When I do, I know you can't make it all go away and I don't expect you to, but if you could just give me a hug and tell me it's all going to be fine, I'll feel much better. And if I know I've got that support there when I need it, eventually I may be able to stop having these anxiety attacks......

Just examples - your situation might be nothing like this - but hopefully you get the idea. People need instruction manuals :)

Babe, sounds awful! So sorry you are going through this. Stay strong, and well done for posting!

I will read it more carefully in the morning and try to say something more useful. Just didn’t want to read and run. But my first an immediate thoughts are, it’s not you, it’s him! I suffer from depression, and my ex completely made me feel that I was basically just a massive mither and a drain on his mental energy. (For context, my symptoms are relatively mild. One would have to be very close to me to even have an inkling I was unwell).

New partner suffers from the same illness, so we get each other and support each other. The sense of relief I feel about this is immeasurable.

Will try and come up with some more practical suggestions tomorrow. Try to sleep meanwhile if you can. And remember that none of how you feel is your fault! And it’s not real. And thus it will pass........

Oh, and are you on meds? If not, please at least consider it. They can at the very east help stop you getting any lower. And they can kick in quite quickly. X

@notrub makes me want to never talk to anyone again to be honest. I'm so ashamed if I've worn down my posts, as you suggest. Best to just stay quiet then. I don't want to be one of those draining people.

Maybe your mental health will improve without your husband. You should explore that in honest fashion.

Please go and get help/meds. & Counselling/CBT just for you; not joint counselling. See what comes out of that.

It's a chance to explore your life and relationship where you can talk freely.

You don't sound draining. Just down, and in need of support. So go and get it. & stop minimising yourself. You don't need to "stay quiet"

[quote unmummsymummy21]@notrub makes me want to never talk to anyone again to be honest. I'm so ashamed if I've worn down my posts, as you suggest. Best to just stay quiet then. I don't want to be one of those draining people. [/quote]
No, no, no. You are not a draining person. You are a good, worthwhile, important and unique individual. You just happen to be going through a hard time. You do NOT have to stop admitting that, and asking for help. EVER.

I think you need to change counsellor. Have never been one for CBT myself either (I know it suits some). Is that something you can look into).

And maybe tell your husband how he is making you feel, and what type of support you need from him. And if he can’t or won’t provide it, maybe this isn’t the man for you? This is what I should have done in my last relationship. And then I should have left. He was actually making my depression much worst.

But, meds first. They will level you out and give you a bit of distance from your emotions, so you can think more clearly. I promise you, the results can be amazing.

Don’t give up on yourself. You’ve totally got this. Xxx

Op, are you me?
I reasonate with all of your post. I've had big mental health issues since my DD was born (she's now 3) and I try to put a brave face on. When I've tried to confide in my partner he gets annoyed at best and well I don't want to say what at worst, and my parents don't have a clue.
You try to be your own support. You find strength from within.
I'd advise seeing the GP about the breathing. Its sounds like you might be on the verge of panic attacks and medication may be an option.
Try and create a sort of inner peace for yourself if you can. It's not easy at the moment, or at all with a young child, but try and go out every day for a walk. Look at nature, breathe in slowly, and breathe out. Try a meditation app...headspace is good.
If it's an option try and get a little time to yourself, even if it's just time to watch your favorite tv show or for a hot bath.
This will pass and you will feel better.
Do try and talk to professionals about it.
It's not easy when the people around you aren't supportive but if you reach out, help is available.