What is actually wrong with me?

[Doyoumind]

I suspect I'm going to be told depression but I really don't think it is. I've done depression and this is different. Perhaps it's burnout.

I don't care anymore - particularly about work. I'm not stressed. I don't feel stressed, unless I'm about to have a meeting I am not prepared for. In terms of the other tasks with a deadline that has passed but where no one is chasing me, I don't care. I'm so tired. I would like to run away from everything. Perhaps I will lose my job because I'm not keeping up but that doesn't motivate me to keep on. Deadlines used to motivate me but are meaningless. But I do have satisfaction from completing tasks and in other ways in my life. That's why it doesn't feel like the heavy weight of depression I've had before.

Hopeful bump before I force myself to get started for the day.

Hello I don't have much advice but wanted to say I feel the exact same. Ridiculously tired all the time and just a lack of care about things. I do suffer from anxiety so I wonder if it is some low level pervasive depression that's come as a result of the endless nothingness that is lockdown. I read somewhere that as human beings we thrive on reaching milestones, they help mark the passing of time etc but this year we've been unable to plan, to look forward to things etc which is affecting us mentally

I am looking forward to the milestone of schools reopening next week! I think it's home schooling whilst working full time from home that has created this state of whatever it is in me. I don't think it will resolve it though. It feels like it's gone too far for that.

I think so many people feel the same in this lockdown.

Malaise? Perhaps not quite depression?

I'm feeling similar. Like unless someone is on a video call directly asking me about a piece of work I haven't done, I don't care. I was soooo stressed with work a few weeks ago and I have now gone the opposite. I've told myself noone is going to die if I e.g. don't finish that report, send that email etc. I think it is my coping mechanism. Bit scared once schools go back I won't have the kids as my excuse for not getting work done!

Have you thought about ADHD?

"Adults and children with ADHD have lower levels of dopamine, which limits their brains ability to both recognize rewards and seek them out. This results in a lack of motivation. Without recognizing rewards, the body is unmotivated to act in any direction."

I have thought about ADD. In some ways I do fit the profile. But in others I don't.

I was going to say inattentive adhd? I only sought diagnosis for mine 2 years after I started to work from home. I lost the external structures I was used to and it got worse. I am on citalopram anti depressant which is good helps with focus and motivation.

I found ADs didn't help with focus. Is there any point pursuing a diagnosis of ADD/ADHD in middle age?

I couldn't cope and thought I might lose my job so it was to offer some protection as it comes under the Disability Discrimination Act. You can get support through Access to Work (adhd specific coaching, things like dictation software). Adhd medication also helped.

8090sTv how did you go about getting diagnosed? Did you speak to your GP initially?

I think lockdown related also. I am currently lying on my bed just scrolling mumsnet whilst the children are all on screens and the washing up goes undone. It’s just hard to keep pushing to keep doing the same things with so little changing for so long...

I do do my work but that’s because for me it is a fun diversion from the boredom of never ending housework.

I have also found adhd specific advice useful in the past - I’m sure I wouldn’t reach the threshold for diagnosis but have some similarities in the way I struggle with some tasks - worth looking for advice for people with adhd and seeing if any helps you even if you don’t pursue official diagnosis etc.

I'm a day dreamer, can lack focus and get side tracked and can be disorganised in some ways, in terms of self management. I'm a procrastinator. That all supports the idea ADHD might be an issue.

But I pay attention to details and listen well and I remember dates. That's why I've thought it isn't ADHD.

Where I avoid and get sore tracked and procrastinate I would say I'm at the extreme end in my personal life. I didn't used to be so bad with work (though it was still there) but now it's playing a much bigger and more damaging part in the whole of my life.

*side tracked!

low Vit D levels? low iron levels?

I remember being too exhausted to worry. That was a couple of years ago. I also developed a godforsaken itch that wouldn’t go away. I went to the GP and fast forward a few blood tests, (and me thinking the total exhaustion was barely worth mentioning) it turns out I was hypothyroid, and have hashimotos.

That’s where my tiredness came from... abs the knock on was I was too tired to even worry... I remember being in the shower and not having the energy to finish washing my hair... no sleep refreshed me... it was awful. Just wrecked and too tired to care. Might be worth looking into if any of that resonates. It’s a simple blood test.

I'm exactly the same OP. Exactly!

I too worry that I've had March 8th in my mind and I've put an expectation on myself that I'll just snap back into it, but I also fear it's gone to far. Utter indifference about my role, the team etc.

I am on citalopram - low dose, for mild depression but I've been wondering the last few weeks if I might need to up it.

I do also wonder if this is largely situational- I don't actually like my job, I'd like to think I'd be different in a role I liked. But alas, this one pays well, etc.

I feel for you, it's a horrid state of mind.

Glad to have found this thread and see there are others feeling like me. I returned to work recently following maternity leave and I am struggling to focus, prioritise and plan, especially longer-term work. Fairly good with a tight deadline, but not always. It’s getting ridiculous and I am terrified of being sacked (or managed out, more realistically) because I do not feel like an asset to my team or my company at the moment. But in a way I also don’t care. It’s upsetting because I love my job and want to excel. But I also just want to run away from everything.

I could have written your post. I don’t care about anything any more. I can’t get up in the mornings. What’s the point. There’s no joy in my life. Things I used to enjoy seem pointless now.

Are you me, OP?

Julie you sound depressed and I think it's worth speaking to your GP.

I know in my case it's not depression. I'm sure it's not.

To all my fellow sufferers, hopefully there will be some respite over the weekend.

Maybe your feelings and reactions are a totally sane and logical response to this very very weird and exhausting situation.

Agree entirely with Babamamananarama

Maybe there's nothing wrong with you. Maybe you're having an entirely understandable reaction to what's wrong in the world - both the wider world in general and your particular work/family/social situation.

Situational depression. You are not depressed as a person, you are reacting to your situation. You find covid depressing, maybe you find your job depressing. But you are not depressed, it's not chemical it's just that you are not able to delude yourself into thinking you are ok with a shitty situation. You are reacting appropriately. Once the world goes back to normal, you will get your joy back. If you don't, then maybe investigate further. But right now a lack of motivation, a sense of apathy and malaise? It's societal, you are not alone

In a weird way, this is a really reassuring thread.....