Help me let go of the fantasy

[ClawedButler]

46, perimenopausal, with a long history of depression which I am being treated for.

For the last few months I have been extra specially depressed, and it's to do with ageing - something that's never bothered me before. But suddenly I feel ancient, saggy, fat, old and profoundly unattractive.

I'm happily married to a man who still finds me very attractive. But all I can think about is being with a young man, that excitement of being a girlfriend, being asked out, getting close to someone, young sex, going on dates, all that stuff.

My head knows that this is just a complete fantasy that can never come true (unless I invent a time machine) and, crucially, even if it could would never match up to the idea. But I can't seem to let go of this longing. It's making me utterly miserable. I'm having to face the unpalatable fact that those days are well and truly behind me - and being honest, even when I was young and had many of those things, it wasn't always sunshine and unicorns. A lot of the time my youth (and those of many many people, I'm sure) was a bit crap really. No money, crappy immature boyfriends who hurt your feelings.

I don't want to mess up my marriage and would never actually go off with someone else. So why can't I stop pining for men I've never met, and a life I never really had?

The best thing I can think of to help you is to remember that the same thing will happen in future, aged 80 you will look back at pictures aged 50 and think how young and fresh you looked!

I would treat it like an obsession and deal with it as such e.g. remove triggers and opportunities to overindulge what should only be idle thoughts and analyse what you get from it and how you could have that positively in your life now in a different way xx

@ClawedButler I'm 44 & single.
You are so lucky to have a man who loves you and finds you attractive!!
Honestly you're not missing out.

Here's my reality of being single:

Dating has been off the agenda for a year for me because Covid & lockdown, I don't fancy the idea of meeting a strange man from an online under a tree in potentially a half empty park for a walk on a first date.
Online dating is shite anyway.

In my 20s / early 30s it was go out to a club, get pissed, meet a man, dance, have a snog, exchange numbers then date & maybe have a relationship. Or meet a man at work & go on dates. So things were much simpler.

But Now I can't drink alcohol (due to MH meds) I found it hard pre Covid to get chatting to men in venues like bars.
I couldn't relax on dates anymore, meeting strangers from online interactions isn't what I call enjoyable.
There was a man at work I liked very much.., sadly he's now emigrated.
Most of the attractive men at work are too young or are married.
Hobbies... well most men like man stuff like football, cars etc, the men at my gym don't talk...,

I think you have FOMO fear of missing out.. and we all get that at times.
I get FOMO because I think I wanted a husband & 2 kids but it didn't happen, but it's not too too late, I'm not menopausal yet... but realistically I can't have a baby due to health reasons.

Thanks peeps, this was helpful =)

I have exactly these feelings - when we're younger we may know realistically that we have very little chance of having an affair with an amazingly attractive and highly desirable man but somehow it is in the realms of remote possibility, like winning the lottery. Then suddenly you look in the mirror and realise it's now simply impossible.

I like this blog article - although it's someone writing about a specific physical condition it really expressed how I felt about ageing in general.

mybagladylife.blogspot.com/2012/04/what-stoma-gave-me.html

I also took up writing fan-fiction which has been a great emotional release - it's not really confessional stuff but I do put a strain of that sadness into it as well as the wish fulfillment.