I'm out of options

[Someone1987]

I'm really struggling.
I'm already under mental health services, but today at a home visit, upon expressing my anguish, they walked away, leaving me with means to harm myself, just telling me to ring the helplines. Wouldn't give me sleeping pills.
Life is truly truly awful.

Do you have any particular diagnosis? What do you think could help

(((HUG)))

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I'm surprised they left you with the means to hurt yourself, but I suppose they figure they can't remove all means of hurting yourself. (Have you hurt yourself?).

It's hard to know what to say, with
no background & I don't want to make you feel worse! But I'm happy to listen if you feel like talking.

I live in SE and the weather is meant to be nice again tomorrow, so I'm
planning on forcing myself out of the house & into the fresh air & feel the sun on my skin!

Do you have kids?

@Sunnydays999 and @AmelieTaylor thank you for the replies. It really means a lot.

I have cptsd, I have been recently diagnosed after receiving help for PND and birth trauma.

I have a baby son, conceived after years of infertility, losing three babies and a fallopian tube (ectopic). I thought he would make my life worth living.

I lost my mum when I was 15 and did not fully grieve and also hold a lot of guilt for that.

I think mental health services have given up on me as I'm being discharged Tuesday.

@Someone1987 how old is your little boy?

@Sunbird24 hi, he is just one so being discharged from perinatal mental health team.

Have they said anything about handing you over to another team? I get that perinatal can’t keep everyone indefinitely as they wouldn’t have capacity for anyone new, but they shouldn’t be discharging you without some plan for ongoing support from somebody.

I can’t help on the pnd front, as I’m still trying to have my first, but I’ve just weaned off ADs - they made all the difference to my life and I wouldn’t resist them for so long if I ever need them again.

@Sunbird24 I'm able to be referred to the adult team, but I struggle to open up with new people and realistically I know mental health services aren't funded enough and having a call twice a month when everyday is hell almost makes it worse.
I'm on sertraline but it doesn't seem to be doing anything apart from side effects.
Thank you for replying x

@Sunbird24 how are you finding weaning off ADs?

This all sounds really tough and I’m so sorry you’ve had and are having such a hard time. It makes it so much harder when it feels like the people who are supposed to help don’t and the fact you’re being discharged must feel hugely unsettling.

I can also understand your apprehension in opening up to new people... it’s very difficult.
But maybe, you could just take it slowly? Speak to someone and just take it one appointment at a time and slowly build up that connection.

I have CPTSD too and I understand the living hell it can be and I’ve also been at the point where I’ve had a plan. I understand that sense of empty, hopeless defeat. BUT I have turned a corner recently and hope is creeping back in very slowly. I’m beginning to have days where I can see a future and have even felt some happiness. I didn’t think that would ever be possible. I’m glad I hung on. I’m glad I didn’t go through with my plan.

One thing I have realised is that working through complex trauma is a very slow and hard process and I have learned to look for the very tiny changes that mean I’m moving forward and the fact that they all add up eventually. You really do only need to take it one step at a time. My therapist always says to me “How do you eat an elephant?”
The task may seem huge but you don’t have to do it all at once. She also tells me slower work can mean faster progress.

You are important, you are worth fighting for, there is hope of a better life for you and your little boy.

Are you in a position to get help
Privately? I have found choosing my therapist to be really helpful and also it takes away time limits that can be imposed by NHS.

Hang in there OP. It really can change

Also, could you ask your GP about changing meds? I found citaloptam and sertraline no good, but mirtazipine has been more helpful. It reduces the anxiety/panic aspect to a more manageable point. Maybe there is a better drug for you?

Sorry OP, I fell asleep.
Same as @Alittlebitlostrightnow it took 2 med changes before I found the one that worked for me (I went from mirtazapine to sertraline to citalopram) For me, the right AD made me feel balanced enough that I could actually do the other things that help, like eating properly, exercising, using Headspace and spending time with other people. Talking therapies didn’t work for me but I did give it a go.
Once I was feeling like the old me I started weaning off with the support of my dr. We did it really gradually so it’s taken over 6 months, but I had my last 10mg of citalopram last week.

Please do keep trying, it is so worth those little moments of contentment you find each day when the right combination of support starts working.

OP, how long have you been on Sertraline? I did many years on it, I did find clenching my jaw and a dry mouth to be my side effects, but otherwise it was great for any anxiety. My point being if Sertraline is newer to you (less than 6 weeks) then it’s worth sticking it or increasing your dose before changing ADs. If that doesn’t help then yes, a change in AD is next. Unfortunately they are trial and error and there is no one size fits all. :(

As regards to mental health services... as you say they’re overwhelmed and under funded, which is not our fault, but just means getting any kind of care or support is bloody hard work, and at a time when we can cope with that the least. Have you considered going private? You can work with them to discuss treatment options and medication and with a letter to your GP you can then have the prescriptions through your surgery as normal. I had a consult and a follow up 6 months later, I didn’t have to keep paying for regular appointments.

Do you have a support network, a partner or family and friends that can be there for you? Just having one person that can be at the end of a phone can help so much.

Have you tried any therapy? Again, I know this is an utter ballache to get through the NHS, but if you don’t have the means to private there are some places that will take you on at reduced rates if you’re not working or don’t have the means to pay the full whack. Of course that will depend on where you live too.

As far as opening up to new people, I totally get you! I was lucky enough to get some therapy from the NHS. I spent the first couple of sessions skirting questions and not saying very much at all, they’re used to this. Very few people will wander in to them and happily give up all their issues in the first go, and any half decent therapist knows this.

I’m sure you already know this, but if you are ever in crisis please go to your local A&E.

You have a community here that will always listen, and there are other online communities specifically for mental health problems. Sometimes knowing someone is there that you can spew your guts to really helps. It gives you a place to put your feelings, be listened to and feel validated.

I don’t wish any of that to sound trite, because you are absolutely right, you deserve better care now when you need it the most. I’m just trying to help with options that might ‘keep you afloat’ until you can get the right medication and proper support from your health service. x

Sorry I didn't see your reply before I fell asleep.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum, especially at such a critical age.

& you've been through so much to have a baby.

I'm sure plenty of others have said it to you, but being a mother when you've lost your own own mother can be incredibly difficult, bringing up all kinds of emotions.

You've had brilliant advice re AD's already, I only know what friends have told me & what I've read, that they mostly take a few weeks to feel the benefit (& they can make you feel worse before they make you feel better) and if after a good period of time you don't feel like they're helping, try a different one.

Maybe you'll find someone you really click with on the adult MH Team. It's worth a try

MN removed one of your posts. Did you write about your 'plan' ? don't take it personally, they always do that.

What's it like where you are this morning? It's sunny here, so later on I'm going to try to make myself go for a walk (oh the excitement). Will you take DS to the park?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Hi everyone, thank you so much for the messages, I'm welling up because I now don't feel alone with my feelings and you're so kind thank you.
Another night tossing and turning. What keeps me going is the thought that it could all be over at my choosing. I did think about going to a&e but not sure what they could do for me. Apparently it'd be hard to section me as I am deemed to have capacity, from a conversation I had last week after an attempt. There is nothing that can help and that scares me more than my own thoughts.

Sorry Mumsnet I did put my method, sorry.

@Alittlebitlostrightnow thank you for the kind words. I'm sorry you have cptsd too, it is truly awful trying to be in the moment without flashbacks and feeling detached and different to everyone else. I could go privately. The perinatal team gave me therapy and offered Mbu but I refused to go. I did EMDR therapy on birth trauma, ectopic and a leg injury as a child, but it had to end as my son turned one and I'm sad because I never got to speak about my mum and other childhood traumas. Re the meds, my current care co said I need a change but they won't do it until I'm under the adult team, which I don't know if I wwnt. Services have been good but also have betrayed me, by reporting my attempt to SS. Thank you for reaching out ✨🌸

@Sunbird24 thank you. I have emailed my g.p for sleeping medication and pain relief (awaiting a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis) but they've made me an appointment with a.nurse, but not until.wed. I could.ask.about the antidepressant change but they seem reluctant to prescribe me anything. But that's my fault. Thank you for.being so kind ✨🌸

@MissPessyMistic thank you for the lovely words. I've been on it since my son was two weeks old, but have admittedly not always been consistent but I have had it for long enough to feel it's not doing much other than making me eat more.
I was tempted to go private, I just feel so overwhelmed having to let out decades worth of traumas I'd never spoke about before with the same psychologist, then having to abandon it mid way. That really hurt..I think I got.attached. I had EMDR.
I don't really have anyone to talk to. My dad and I barely speak and he doesn't do emotions. I have no one else, which is why I probably get attached to the mental health team. I think they think I'm annoying.
I don't know what a&e would.do. I feel like going there and just crying and crying saying I can't do this anymore, I wish I had someone who could.come with me. Even my rainbow baby isn't enough to keep me going and that makes me so so sad, for me and him. It'll create a cycle where he has no mum, but I truly know he would.be better off without me. Thank you so much ✨🌺

@AmelieTaylor thank you for the kind words. Having my own baby did bring up my grief all over again and I realised I never really grieved and then I felt guilty that I didn't save her, I feel responsible.i did put my method, I understand why it's removed, I'm glad they have kept my post rather than deleting it.
It's sunny here, I will aim to take my son to the park, everything feels overwhelming, I'm socially awkward and that isn't a good example for him. I have my discharge CPA on Tuesday but i don't know whether to attend. It's online but I'm so done, I've reached out at crisis to be left to it and I know they need me off the books and the new adult woman doesn't like me.i can tell, and they just don't understand. Thank you.for being so kind✨🌺

@Someone1987 I had a much loved friend who absolutely knew that his little boy would be better off without him, he left us nearly 3 years ago and the loss of his presence in the world is still felt every day. That nasty little voice in your head that says that to you is a liar, I promise.

Just making the decision to post on here was a brave step that suggests you don’t really want to leave your baby. Hang onto that as tight as you can.

Your child will not be better off without you. Your child needs you.
sending the best wishes as it can be very hard to navigate the health services. Keep reaching out for help to friends, gp.

Someone..... you have been through a lot. Its early days.... the traumas we suffer may well stay with us forever. It's really about learning coping strategies. Could you start a diary and write down one thing during the day that you coped with... then gradually build up daily to how many things you coped with on a regular basis. Also, could you ask your GP for local bereavement groups to join, possibly just to call at the moment till lockdown ends. You are a good mother, and your son looks at you and smiles because he knows this.... And GPs rarely give out sleeping tablets to anyone these days. There are herbal Kalms you could have..but I would worry about any deep sleep in case my son needed me. Have you tried napping when your son does so that you get small pockets of rest. Keep chatting to us and let us know if you need us.xx

@Someone1987 These feelings cloud our thought processes essentially telling us lies. When we are at our lowest ebb those lies get louder and louder until it’s all we can hear. You have a beautiful baby that needs you desperately. That in itself is stressful, but try not to be overwhelmed. You have fought hard for this little one. You are a team and you both deserve to lead a happy life with one another.

Remember each day when you thought ‘I can’t do this anymore’, you got up the next morning and did it again. That’s how strong you are! It’s shit, and every day is still painful, but look what you are doing. Take pride in it.

I know it’s not what you want but I think you should try the MH team. Give it a few weeks, at the very least to support you with a medication change. I’m sorry, I don’t really know anything about CPTSD, I’m a depression monkey, but it sounds like ADs are one of the treatments of choice. There are so many, but you can find one that will help. I’ve had Prozac, citalopram, Sertraline and I’m now on venlafaxine. Sounds like a bit of a shopping list! There are medications that can help, it’s just finding the right one.

Re going private. I understand what you’re saying about therapy and having to pull the plug after making such a strong connection. That must have been so hard for you. It might be worth considering a private psychiatrist just for help with a medication review and treatment options. Of course it depends on what happens with your community MH team, but remember you are in the driving seat here.

A&E - you’re right in that can’t ‘do’ an awful lot for you. What they can do though is keep you safe when you don’t think you can do it for yourself. So if you ever feel that way please remember there is an option to keep you going.

Keep checking in here, people want to talk to you and hold your hand through this. x