Falling apart. Constantly anxious about my marriage, my kids, my future

[selfsabotage]

I’m 31 with a toddler and a baby on the way. I’ve always been an anxious person but I’m falling apart

I can’t stop worrying literally all day everyday. Googling the worst cases. Freaking myself out

My husband is 46 and despite the fact we’ve been nothing but happy, have a lovely family and just bought our own home I have spiralled for weeks about the age gap and how it’s going to become noticeable with age and everything’s going to fall apart and I’m going to be left alone. Or the attraction will go and I’ll just be depressed. I can’t stop googling the age gap and reading other people’s experiences and then I lie in bed and cry that I’ve made a huge mistake and I’m going to regret building my life with him. It’s breaking his heart cause he’s done nothing wrong

I’m constantly worried about my kids. That I’m not good enough. That I’m not doing the right things. That climate change is going to kill them. That I shouldn’t of bought kids into this fucked up world. That if the age gap between me and their dad does become an issue to the point I have to leave one day that I will of fucked their lives up. That they don’t love me

I’m constantly worried about my future. Feel like I’m going to be lonely and isolated forever. That I won’t ever achieve anything. That I’ll always feel depressed and like I’m just surviving

It feels like I’m sabotaging myself. Obsessively focusing on the age gap and how bad it’s going to be until I get to the point I can’t even look at my husband and I ruin my family and I lose my kids and then I have nothing left. I don’t want to do this. I don’t know why I’ve started doing this and why it’s getting so fucking bad.

I have so much to be happy about and it all feels tainted and wrong and I’m so fucking depressed.

I haven’t even asked a question I’m just posting so I can actually get this out there. I can’t live with this constant feeling and now I’ve started spiralling I don’t know how to stop it

Anyone reading this? I need a handhold

Hi OP,
I don't know if I can help you feel any better but I do understand how you feel. I have a similar age gap and young kids and since having them I worry a lot too and feel guilty that they have an older Dad (we are both older than you). I worry about what the future will be like for me - will I end up caring for my husband while I'm still quite young? Will he be around for the kids as they grow up? Will I be left in older age on my own? Also, the impact of the pandemic, climate change etc etc.

I tend to worry and panic at night and in fact was thinking about what the age gap will be like just last night but I try to make a point of closing that down in my head when I start to think about it. I just find it's not helpful because we really don't know what will happen. For all I know it could be me who goes first, or I could get an illness and need care, he might live to be 100 and be in great shape, he could have a massive heart attack next year, we just don't know. You read all the time about younger people dying of cancer or a massive stroke. Nothing is certain in life except that one day we all will be gone and in the meantime it's important to grab any joy because tomorrow isn't promised. Worry won't change what's going to happen. It's easy to say that and less easy to do however and I do admit that sometimes I feel depressed about it all.

I do speak to a counsellor every other week and have done for years, it can be helpful to chat it all through. Is there anything particularly that triggers your thoughts?