I keep putting up with these thoughts , is it normal?

[rosied03]

Apologies for long post.

Hi

I have had anxiety since I was around 12 maybe younger . I am now 32.

I have somehow managed to hide this from majority of people but I feel this has come with major downsides . Know one really knows the real me .

For example many of my family would think of me as someone who is flaky, who cancels plans ,someone who either takes ages to text back or doesn't text back at all. Someone who doesn't keep in touch via phone calls. The reality is I get overwhelmed with meeting up and can't face it , I put off replying as I find it so emotionally stressful , I hate talking on the phone as I replay the conversation sometimes and pull it apart thinking they are judging me, reading into what they are saying .

On the outside I appear successful. I have a toddler , i am pregnant with my second . I hold down a nursing job, I work on the phone offering advice . When I am on a day off I often check consultation follows ups and check that what I said was ok ( it always is I am a good nurse but I doubt myself afterwards)

I have a major fear of death. I regularly " remember " that one day I will get old and die and panic about it . If I meet up with an elderly relative this is very triggering for me as I start to think they were young one day, this will happen to me , will they be alive much longer? I am currently only keeping in contact with grandparents via birthday cards as I can't cope with seeing them( pre covid ) or talking on the phone - it's too much.

My dad died when he was white young I was 26 he was 53. I worry I will die young and leave my children without a parent . I was looking at my toddler the other day and I started crying I thought to myself I can't believe one day he will be an elderly man and could be alone the thought of him alone in a coffee shop made me sob. Surely these aren't normal thoughts ?

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance if anyone else experiences similar ?

I regularly " remember " that one day I will get old and die and panic about it

I panic about this a lot. Maybe because I deal with a lot of old & unwell people in work? I’ve also lost a handful of people quite close together in the last 3 years. Not great health myself (only early 40’s!) so already worry that I should be downsizing to a bungalow! I do have anxiety though and am on medication but I have an only child and worry like crazy that he will be alone when I die. I worry about conversations and endlessly replay them in my mind, and also worry about work and check and recheck what I’ve recorded in notes that other HCP’s might read.
I don’t imagine they are normal thoughts, I don’t think ‘normal’ people overthink like I do. I wish I didn’t.

You’ve just pretty much described my life. I don’t think it is normal but then again I don’t open up to people about it so maybe other people do feel this way and they just don’t tell anyone?

Your current thoughts about dying and leaving your children are not abnormal, many parents get that. That is why I have life insurance, it’s one thing I can do to help myself.
The rest sounds like you need to talk to someone and get some help. Sometimes just actually saying it to someone helps.