Just a bit of history - I have always been an anxious person - if someone was in a bad mood, I would assume it was due to me and would work hard to think of what I had done and try to "fix it". I would also at times, have a sudden thought in my head - usually work related - that I had done something wrong (when logically I knew I had not) and would spend hours or days worrying over it and unable to relax until I was next in work and able to check all was ok. That was just me - who I was.
The last 6 months or so this has become so much worse.
I work for the NHS and am a line manager - the first 6 months of the pandemic was hard - and my team were all concerned about redeployment, personal health etc - and I kept everyone calm and going - and we were ok - it was hard due to the manager being off long term sick and the other staff on my lvl being off for various reasons, so I had to take more on in that sense too - but I did it and cracked on and had great support from another member of staff who worked in our department but outside the team.
Everyone had come back in the last 6 months, and we have increased our activity and team started to relax again and feel like the looming threat above us was gone.
However I seem to have gone the other way.
I am constantly anxious and on edge all the time. I have a constant nervous feeling in my chest and it never goes away. Even at home I am worrying about the next day. I feel close to tears a lot of the time. I struggle to get to sleep and if I wake in the night I do not get back to sleep easily as I wake up feeling anxious.
I have at times stayed at work long past the time I should have left to double and triple check things - and have on occasion been half way home and a sudden thought has just jumped into my head "you did not check this.." and I know intellectually I did, and argue with myself that of course I did, but cannot get rid of the panicky feeling and have had to turn back around and check.
The slightest thing can happen at work, and I will overthink and panic about it and just build this entire scenario in my head where I am convinced I am going to lose my job/end up in court. - for a situation that no one else even notices really. I will worry about this for days, feel sick, irritable over it - while at the same time arguing with myself that I am just being stupid.
I have been unable to eat at work as I am so tense, my heart racing and have checked my HR at times, and it has been between 120-140.
I do have asthma and have had to have an increase in inhalers and medications - mainly as one of my triggers has always been hot air - and with the mask on, when it is warmer at work I do struggle wearing a mask for 12 hours plus a day - but my Asthma Nurse did at my last review suggests that what I am thinking is an exacerbation in Asthma might at times be a panic attack. At the very least if I am feeling anxious it is exacerbating my asthma.
I used to wish for an accident on the way to work - something that only hurt me - just so I would not have to go that day - but what actually scared me a couple of weeks ago was when I was making a cup of tea and the thought came out of the blue that if I burned my arm I would not have to go to work the next day and I actually started to move the kettle towards my arm as I was pouring, but then it was like I snapped out of it.
I have eventually spoke to the GP - who has signed me off for a couple of weeks and started me on Fluoxetine - I also have an assessment appointment on Wednesday with a counsellor.
But now I keep thinking - I have no right to be feeling like this - I was not redeployed to ITU - people have had it a lot worse than me - who am I to be feeling like this. Maybe I am making it out to be worse than it is? I am just going to waste the appointment on Wednesday when someone who is worse than me really needs it. I am not at work but I feel so guilty for not being at work at the moment I am feeling worse than before.