Spent the day in bed

[Ikeatears]

Such a long time since I've done this but my sleep has been erratic for a couple of weeks now and I'm so bloody tired all the time.
I got up to prep dinner this morning and got up to serve it and sit with dh and the dc but I've spent the rest of the day in bed, in the dark. I just want to give my brain a rest.
Dh upset me last night and I've no idea if I'm over reacting but I can't face being around him today. I'm not mad with him, I'm sad.
My brain feels like it's on fire, like it's spinning round and round. Everything is so jumbled and yet so sharp - does that even make sense?
I have waves of panic when I think about mistakes I've made or things I've said - even if they were years ago. The thought of life going on for many years yet and the things I'll have to do, the work, the childcare, the just...living, sends me cold. Not suicidal or having any thoughts of that. (Well, brief, fleeting, intrusive ones now and again but I'm used to those and they're beyond my conscious control - I wouldn't act) Just hopeless. Been pretty well for ages. Hoping it's a blip. Sigh.

No idea why I posted, or why I'm still posting. Emptying my brain a little bit maybe? I'd love to just switch off and sleep.

Dh come to bed now. I should just make up with him and I'd probably feel better. So sad though.

Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to have these days. You wouldn't run around if you broke your leg. The sky won't fall in because you've taken a duvet day. Just get through today. And then tomorrow try and get through that day. Just know that it will pass. Things will get better. Hope things pick up soon for you OP.

Thanks @TeeBee it always makes me worry that one way will turn into two then into weeks and months. I hate my brain.

*one day

However shite I'm feeling (and everyone does sometimes), for whatever reason, I give myself two wallowing days. And those days can be spent totally in bed if necessary. But after that, I make myself get up and do at least one productive thing. And that turns into two productive things...and then I often feel a bit better just for doing that. And then I push myself out for a short 10-minute walk. Just those small things can push you through the day. And sometimes, that's all you have to do. One day after the next until you feel better. But you will feel better. You have to remember that it will pass.

I think it’s amazing (in an impressive way!) that despite feeling like this today you still managed to cook a proper meal for yourself and your family; that’s worth some recognition, give yourself credit for that. It’s proof that you hopefully generally retain the ability to do the stuff that just has to be done. The “what if it turns into months in bed” is just a classic catastrophic thinking error; that’s the depression talking (have you done CBT?)

If you can accept that you needed this today, allow yourself the time to just be and forgive yourself for whatever you ‘should’ have done that you just weren’t able to, you’ll be alright.

Hope you’re able to sleep ok tonight. Tomorrow is another day; let tomorrow-you sort that out.

You know what I could have written this about today - except I didn’t even do dinner - just pizzas from freezer. I call this a duvet day - a day when I can’t face even my world and just switch off from the world to recharge. It’s allowed you know we all need it’s especially in these times when nothing is predictable and no planning pissible. Don’t be hard on yourself today you needed but try to not repeat tomorrow ( my duvet days are restricted to maximum 2 a month!) - go out in the fresh air and start over. You’ve got this

Thanks for the replies. I've done CBT and had counselling, which was essentially an extended course of CBT. It's not for me but I know it can a lot of people.
I think I'm past help. I just have to face the fact that I'll have times when I feel I like this. I knew this was coming days ago and I've let it envelope me again. I feel so pathetic. I am pathetic.
I have to be up and about tomorrow because dh is wfh and I have homeschool with the youngest ds. I could cry. I have a life so many would envy and I seem determined to sabotage my own happiness.
Hands are itchy, chest is tight. I know I'm on the verge of panic but there's no need. I need to get up and walk about. Ironic that when I should be in bed I can't settle and don't want to be there.
I have some sleeping tablets, some quetiapine and one diazepam left over from before. I may take a sleeping tablet (zopiclone I think) The quetiapine would see me asleep quickly but I'd feel crap tomorrow, I don't want to waste the diazepam in case I really, really need it.
Pathetic I know. I'm sorry.

You're not pathetic love; you're ill.

I don't want to be ill. I'm so tired of it😭

I don’t want to argue with you that CBT isn’t for you - I tried it several times before I clicked with a therapist and I got it - it doesn’t fix you, it more teaches you about the hows and whys of the interconnectness of your thoughts, feelings, behaviours and actions and how you can spiral to where you sound like you are now. I am personalising your post here obviously but I think of CBT, well most therapy really, as learning/education.

The main issue is that (I think) it’s virtually impossible to engage with CBT or any longterm useful therapy when you are very ill. The capacity just isn’t there when you’re having to put all your effort into just getting though the next hour. It’s something you have to do when you’re on the upwards side of the cycle whether that’s just naturally with time or with the help of meds.

But you’re absolutely right I think when you talk about accepting how you feel; don’t put pressure on yourself about it, stop it with the “have to”....but accepting yourself is a really healing thing to do (I think). When you’re able to.

I hope you don’t feel my post is all patronising.... I’ve been there, many times, I’ll probably be there again. I know there’s only so far that it’s possible to see in the dark. Just keep going lovely, the only way out is through

@LemonViolet not patronising at all. I've been here quite a few times now. I qualified for quite intensive CBT after a period of home treatment and short hospitalisation. I can't make it work for me. Maybe I've seen the wrong therapists but I have so much trauma attached to my past that I know I should address that and can never seem to find the right person to work with me on that.
I'm going to take a sleeper I think, which again makes me feel I've failed, but I'm losing my mind through lack of sleep.
I'm losing my mind anyway though

Im feeling like this too,you are not alone.ive been on depressants for over a year and thought i was doing well until last night when i lay awake for ages in what can only be described as uttter misery.life as it is and its lack of enjoyment, fulfillment, the daily struggle was overwhelming,suddenly i wanted to just die right there and then.today i took my anti depressants as im low,i dont know what else to do.ive realised been depressed and worn down for so long now that ive forgotten how to be normal me.
I hope it gets better for you friend, im wishing you peace.

You are not pathetic OP .

I understand not wanting to be ill, but at the minute you are. That means that you need to let yourself rest until you feel better.

Imagine you had the flu, what would you do? Dial back the homeschooling as much as possible and let dc watch some educational TV or play some games instead? Take a long bath?

Whatever measures you would take for you physical health can be taken for mental health too- it is just as valid (and that includes speaking to your GP if needed).

Remember, you feel bad now but you will feel better again. It sounds like you have experienced days like this before but it didn't last forever, right?

Take care.

Thank you for taking. The time uk reply to me. Wil drift off soon. Sorry. Need sleep. Tomorrow be better I hope thank you, I'm sorry. Will try but it feel so hard. Now.

I don't think that made sense, sorry

Finally dropped off only for dh to wake me up going to the loo about 3am so that was another 2 hours staring at the ceiling. Been awake for the couple of hours. I'm seriously going to lose my mind from lack of sleep. Without the sleeper last night, I don't think I would have slept at all

Urgh. I'm an insomniac so I feel your pain. I drifted in and out of sleep last night. Finally nodded off around 6 for the bloody dog to start barking around 7. Get some tea/coffee in you and take today easy. Is your husband supportive if you're not well?

Are you able to take a nap today or do you have to work?

@TeeBee he's very supportive. He's wfh at the minute and I've got 3 dc homeschooling but 2/3 are self-sufficient and even the youngest only needs input now and again. I think I'll try to get everything done with him this morning and then have a couple of hours this afternoon. Why is it that I could sleep all day given half the chance but can't catch it at night?!
Thanks for replying. I'm hoping this is just a blip...

Ha! I know that feeling! 2pm is my regular 'god, I need to sleep' time.

Really pleased to hear that your DH is supportive. It does sound as though the roof won't cave in if you shuffle away for a little nap and some self care this afternoon, knowing that your awesome kids are getting on with it. Even if you don't sleep, you can at least rest on your bed and turn off for a little while. Sometimes that is the second best thing to a nap. Will be thinking of you.