This is a long one so bare with me!
Anyone else feel like they are damaged beyond repair?
Iv felt like this for a long time and like I'm living this secret life.
I was sexually assulted as a young child and again as a young teen.
My parents were in an abusive marriage my dad was a high functioning alcoholic- he had a full time job but every night would get wasted, my mum was seriously unhappy but wouldn't leave him for financial reasons. When my parents found out a neighbour was touching me inappropriately they decided to just stop seeing this neighbour and never to talk about it again- something I have struggled to come to terms with but now I think I understand.
I spent my late teenage years high on drugs and drink, at times on the game to support it.
I didn't care who I had sex with. I was really quite depressed and cutting myself regularly. I had relationships but would always cheat - maybe as another way to self harm.
I then met my husband. He made me feel so loved and wanted and all the hurt disappeared in his arms. We married had kids and turned my life around stopped all the drink and drugs and held a full time job down.
A few years into the relationship he started hitting me and developed a drink problem himself.
I would hit him back and towards the end of the relationship I hit him first a few times, as he was extremely verbally abusive . He was calling me fat and ugly all the time so I didn't want sex with him. He ended up forcing it as his right. I can't say I didnt do anything wrong though and mistreated him myself. I said some terrible things and when I first met him I cheated on him with his freind.
Recently things have been so toxic and he has threatened to kill me holding scissors in his hand.
I called the police and he was arrested, but I dropped the charges because I know I have done wrong in this relationship too. I have found him somewhere else to live.
Now the social services are involved and threatening me with a child protection order for not cooperating with the police / idva - maybe this is why my parents decided to keep everything secret when I was assaulted as a child. I cant tell anyone what has happened as I fear they will take my kids. My doctor said he has to tell the SS when I asked for medication.
Im just feeling really down and cant see a way forward now.
Is that it am I just too damaged? Are my kids being damaged more by living with me?
Any advice appreciated