I’ve been trying to word a thread on how I’m feeling for days, because I am totally overwhelmed by everything, it feels hopeless and if I would walk away from my life I honestly would.
There are a lot of circumstances that mean life IS objectively tough. ADHD/autism is probably the biggest factor in the chaos (executive function is not something I’m blessed with), but DH and I have physical issues - his getting worse by the week - and as he’s less able to cope I’m struggling to take on more responsibility. We have two older DCs with SN, and a 3yo who is bored out of her mind because we are not being good parents to her. Eldest has a lot of processing issues and is struggling with school-at-home, middle has been home ed for years and it was going well until last month when motivation just left. None of them sleep well, two of them don’t eat well. No family support, stuck on UC for now etc. I’m starting to look at working again but I’m scared I’ll just hit breakdown with the extra responsibility - it was going from 17 to 37h that kicked off my ME.
The details aren’t that important I guess other than the fact it all combines to make me (and DH) utterly exhausted and overwhelmed. We are one of those families who professionals admire because “wow, aren’t you strong, dealing with so much”. I don’t feel strong, I feel broken. Depleted. Getting out of bed in the morning is probably the strongest thing I manage each day.
What I’m really posting about is that I know there are lots of things we could do to improve our lives. Like getting the house tidier so we aren’t always looking for stuff or buying duplicates. We could set up stuff for the littlest to play with, which would keep her more entertained, so her behaviour would be better, we might manage to take her out more, she might sleep better so we’d be less tired in the evenings and more able to do more tidying, to spend time with the older two so they might feel better and sleep better too, maybe we’d all rely less on screens. We need a better routine for meals so we aren’t relying on convenience food and takeaways and we’d save money and feel healthier which would make the other stuff easier... etc. It’s all tangled together.
We know all this. We try SO fucking hard every day. We come up with routines and chore charts, we encourage the kids to try new foods to make their diets less restrictive, we tidy and declutter when we find spare time and energy, but doing too much in one go leads to burn out. I remind myself to do the self care stuff because it’s not autopilot like it should be, remembering to do simple stuff like brush my hair takes up so much space in my brain let alone helping the kids remember theirs. I’m working hard in therapy and taking time for my MH like with drawing and studying but I feel so much guilt about using energy on those. When I’m well enough I like to exercise but it takes so little to wear me out.
There are loads of little things we could do to “outsource” some stress, like I was picked to try the echo pharmacy delivery thing with MN, but our surgery required a whole other set of login stuff and it just felt too much to sort at the time. We could and really should sort DLA for DS and there is no way DH isn’t entitled to PIP now but the thought of those battles makes me want to cry and hide. I found out I could even get a carer grant to pay for some of my therapy sessions but lockdown happened and my self esteem tells me I don’t deserve it and I’ll look grabby. Even little things like batch cooking end up short term as remembering to get them out again is something I fail at, or even the thought of handling the other elements of the meal is too much for my stupid brain and clumsiness, cooking a simple pasta dish takes up to an hour because I’m so slow. We actually managed to sort getting a dishwasher but between adult social care (arranging for us to have the cupboard removed) and choosing one etc it took such a long time, if we’d chased up the HA etc earlier we could have sorted it months ago.
I could go on for years here but basically I feel like a fail of a human hundreds of times a day. It’s like life is a massive Rubik’s cube - I focus on one area, and everything else instantly goes to shit. Life just feels like we are lurching from one crisis to the next and trying to sort that, and we are too worn down to sort anything for longer term gain. I honestly want to run away, yes lockdown has made it worse but it’s not a new feeling. Short of miracle ADHD meds (they help but increase anxiety which has so far outweighed the benefits) and a line of willing babysitters I just don’t see a way out. I’m really sick of being me, of not providing what my kids need, they deserve so much better, not a mum who sits in a daze because life is too hard.
Sorry for rambling on, I just need some kind words and maybe ideas I haven’t thought of, I posted here rather than chat because I hope people here will understand it’s not laziness, and it’s not as simple as just making a to do list. Please be kind, I hate myself enough already.