Preserving my mental health at the expense of someone elses

[RippleEffects]

I have a tricky situation with someone and I need to safely step away.

I could really do with some advice or suggestions on what the right thing to do is.

They have a long history of quite significant mental and physical health issues. A few years ago they had a stay in a mental health respite type centre (I think this was a sort of self sectioning, it was before I new them) I believe there is a history of suicide attempts - they've certainly suggested it to me quite frequently. They take quite a few high dose presecription drugs and are in reciept of higher level PIP for mobility and care. They wont use the money to get any support services and those I've tried to get involved like mental health they don't appear to attempt to engage with.

They are a neighbour, not immediate but same area. Turned up on my doorstep in an awful state 3.5 years ago and have been a frequent visitor ever since. Partner, they report was an alcoholic, left the home/ moved out soon after the relationship sounds as though it had become very toxic. It certainly is very toxic now.

They have a very complex financial situation that I've been supporting them in doing lots of paperwork and chatting endlessly about the end of their old relationship and how they'd like revenge. They are very, very bitter. Have battles going on with several different solicitors (who they say let them down) various ombudman etc. Everyone lets them down.

Its dawned on me they have been emotionally blackmailing me on and off for quite a while. Expecting me to just stop working, drop everything with my own family with a crisis at least once a month, at worst three or four times in a week. On one ocassion pre lockdown one they pretty much marched into my house and started spouting off about killing themself and I phoned the mental health emergency crisis team. Who credit to them, spent an hour on the phone whilst I had to keep my family out of my lounge. They then didn't keep up the follow up sessions.

The latest event was just after dark one evening - dinner was in the oven, I'd had a quick shower and had wet hair, my phone went beep. I turned it on to read a long rant about how I needed to visit them immediately they could feel themselves going into crisis etc. I messaged right back and said if things are bad you really need to contact the professionals at the crisis team. I offered a walk with the dogs next morning, explained DC dinner about to be served and just out the shower etc.

Things have spriralled, with more messages and now emails and I would like to step away. I don't want to engage but not sure that just ignoring is appropriate either.

Any suggestions?

It sounds like you need to have clearer boundaries about what you're willing/able to offer this person. Make it clear that helping them is taking a toll on your own wellbeing and that you're not equipped to deal with their MH emergencies.

@leafpile Thank you for the response. It was quite cathartic to write things down. It made me realise how things have got to a silly point.

Boundaries hits it on the head. Something I really need to get better at.

I know it can be very difficult, especially when they don't have much support from other friends/family. Remember your wellbeing is just as important as theirs and you never consented to them depending on you this much.

Maybe when they're in a calm state, talk to them about what you can and can't do for them, eg you don't mind going for a dog walk together once a week (or whatever), but they need to seek other support as well because it can't just be you. And if it's an emergency they must call the crisis team.

You’ve tried to help so hard for so long but somethings got to give. It shouldn’t be your health.

I know this is a bit OTT but could you pretend to have covid? That would keep them away. Plus you could then have long covid which would give you a continued excuse to keep away. I mean no offence to those who have covid incidentally. But I know how draining it is to have someone with mh issues ‘needing’ me and there was a time I’d do anything to get away from the stress and pressure if them.

Would it be worth speaking to them to let them know “I’ve not been feeling well myself and just want to let you know that I won’t always be available to help you because I’m ill. Just letting you know so you have all the phone numbers etc you need to hand in case you need to call someone if you need them as I won’t be much help over the coming months but I’m under doctors orders myself now so I’m sure you understand that I need to take a step back”.

If they phone you and you don’t answer they will just come round banging on the door. So if they phone I’d answer it but I’d tell them what you did the last time, sorry to hear you’re having an episode but I need to go back to my bed as I’m ill so please phone the Samaritans (or whomever. Stay safe, bye for now. And hang up.

They will not let go of you easily and their self harm may ramp up. This is going to be a difficult time for you. Are you in touch with their health care workers? Could you let them know what’s happening so they are able to engage a bit more with the person for a few weeks to wean them off you?

What a hellish reward for all your hard work. Good luck and I hope it all gets sorted and the person gets the help they need.

Not much to suggest above what's been said already, but I had a similar situation a few years ago, that arose in part because I ignored my better judgement being friends with a near neighbour. They knew exactly where I was, and from this point I have been wary about friendships with neighbours (beyond being civil, taking in parcels, emergencies) since. I always feel its easier if they don't know which door to bang on. It sounds like you have been very patient. You can certainly see why other people have lost patience with them.

Also, to add, I stated boundaries very clearly with 'my' person, but they weren't listening, and just rode roughshod over them, so please be prepared for this.

I've sent a polite but hopefully fairly clear email that my life is phenomenally busy at present with some significant family things going on, so with no time for myself, let alone outside the house activities, I am not going to be able to be present to provide support or answer messages and emails. I've reitterated about local support services and the crisis team.

I played with wording a bit but everytime I reread anything other than I'm just flat out, it felt like I was leaving the door wide open. They have no boundaries and mine haven't been clear enough.

I sadly know this wont be the end of things and the threats of self harm will probably escalate - they say they went to A and E after I couldn't engage earlier in the week but walked out before they were dealt with, but all information needs liberally interpreting.

I'm sorry to hear its not just me thats been through this but its also a relief that I'm not in a parallel universe, these things happen to others as well.

I will try and get hold of a couple of the local support people I've spoken too before to see if they will try again with her, thats a good shout.

Thank you. I'm feeling much more in control and at least have a plan to try.

Good OP.

They have to take responsibility for their own attempted suicides or going to a and e for a handhold or whatever. And take responsibility to engage with the various professionals who are there to help.

Just keep reiterating the same message and if they come to the door, shout through it (so they can’t get in) and tell them you have recently tested positive for covid so you can’t help and I’m really sorry but please phone the numbers you have they will help you I’m going back to bed I’m really sorry I can’t help but I’m ill.

They can’t argue with that and it gives you a good excuse to not engage.

If they keep on at you to help it will make you stronger as you will see they don’t give a flying fuck about you and your (pretend) illness, only about themselves and how their attention seeking is no longer working.

Have you had any response @RippleEffects?

I have had a response to the email - a lot of exclamation marks.

The best response I've had is an imense sense of relief. I think there will be the odd future contact to manage whether a new crisis or anger.

Boundaries are something I'm really not good at. I think I need to do some research and reading on creating and reviewing comfortable boundaries for myself in many aspects of life.

Sounds like a plan, Ripple. re a lot of exclamation marks...