No emotions

[OppsUpsSide]

Should you be concerned if you stop having emotions. Just numb?

It doesn't sound great, but what's the context? What do you think caused you to feel like this?

Umm, well maybe lockdown, not having a home, fleeing dv, suicidal alcoholic siblings, lots of things I guess. I don’t think I mind, I have wanted to stop feeling for years. Just not sure if I should be worried. I won’t see DC for an extended period now, which had never happened before, and I feel nothing, like I am watching someone’s life unfold. I don’t mind, I think it is sensible and preferable but there is a niggle that at some point I am going to get a big fat bite on the arse.
As with every other aspect of my life though, nothing to be done about it.

Ok. well that makes more sense. It sounds like you might have a trauma reaction after all that. And numbing your emotions might be a way of coping with things right now, but not good in the long term. Do you have any support for yourself after everything you have been dealing with? Are you somewhere safe now?

I am physically safe yes, emotionally I need to be on my guard. I don’t want DC to be, maybe that’s why I don’t mind that they aren’t with me. I don’t know.

It's probably not good. For me, that's danger zone where I may actually go through with whatever my current suicide plan is and I need to call my therapist.

I don't know if that is a risk to you or not but the numbness is never a sign of good things to come.

That is my worry, that it isn’t a good sign of things to come. I have felt suicidal in my dim and distant past, but it wasn’t like this and I don’t feel now. I don’t feel anything. Sometimes I feel like o could sob and sob and I don’t know what, but I literally swallow it down and it goes. I don’t know maybe it is just a sensible and normal reaction to realising you are in a situation you can do nothing about, and certainly feeling won’t help. But I am worried about what is to come if that makes sense.

Why won't you see your DC for a while? Just interested, but please don't talk about it if you don't want to or don't think it will help.

They went to visit their dad and now need to quarantine due to a family member visiting who had Covid.

Ok, well hopefully it won't be too long before you can see them. Is there anything nice you can do for yourself while you're on your own?

Yes I shower, candle lit baths, gua sha etc, being able to be clean is important to me as showers were restricted for a long time and I smelt so so bad and I know I deserve better and I want DC to have better smell associations of me! But it only helps so much to be honest. I am embracing self care but it has a limited potential in making any real difference. SS have said they believe I ‘act protectively’ so, all on me! But I can’t safeguard them from afar. But equally I think I have safeguarded them and that is why they are there and maybe that is why I am blasé. I don’t know.

I’m sorry I’m not sure I am making a whole lot of sense

Numbing is a way of protecting ourselves from being overwhelmed. But it can also make us a bit unsafe as we accept behaviours and actions from others without question.

What sort of support do you have?

I have support (a) which is both amazing and very conditional. I have other support (b) that is lovely but outside of my comfort zone, new and therefore untrustworthy. And I am not sure what the cost of taking b’s help would be with regards to a.