I don't know how to be me

[PJsEveryday]

I know that sounds dramatic but I don't know how else to express my feelings. I am 48 but I have always felt totally inadequate and insecure but recently (too much time on furlough) I started trying to work out why I am the way I am and why my brain works oddly (I assume, I don't know how other people;s brains work)

My main issue is that I don't feel like an adult. I look my age but I don't seem to have progressed beyond my late teens early 20s. I CAN BE socially awkward, but not all the time. I panic if I am left alone with a 'proper adult' and have to have a conversation. I went to a function with DH and his boss was there at our table. I simply could not talk to him. He asked about DS and I could do that, but I could not pass beyond that ask him anything about him. I clammed up. He organised the event, so there was plenty I could ask him but I could not find the words.

I struggle knowing the right things to say to people. I constantly worry that I will upset people so I tend to be quiet with people I don't know. I am very ill at ease and very easily stressed by people. I often spend too long composing emails, hoping I don' come across as stupid or say the wrong thing. If I have to post a comment on FB, (someone ill, a bereavement) I have to go through the comments to see what other people comment so I get the right tone.

I have issues with friendships and keeping them. I am terrible at keeping in touch. It's not that I don't want to send a message to say hi, etc, but I often don't have the mental energy to sustain a conversation and I don't want to always be the one who says 'I have to go now' so i tend to avoid initiating texts, WhatsApp chats.

I also am quite solitary and I like being solitary.

I day dream! Through MN i discovered the term maladaptive day dreaming and it makes so much sense. I retreat into my daydreams so much, it's like a comfort blanket.

I am so easily distracted - my brain wanders all the time and I constantly have an inner monologue going - it' exhausting.

Years ago someone once said I was a bit creepy, that it was like I was analysing them when I was talking. And I now think they were spot on! But I'm not thinking mean things (mostly), Instead, I'm like 'I like that eyeshadow, so she has hooded eyes, THAT's how to do eyeshadow/ she's older than me does she have sparse eyebrows? No! Hmmm, how come, i like that top she's wearing/ i wonder if I would suit it ..... '
This is my brain.

I constantly hold back doing/saying things so that I can see how other people do/say things so that I know what to do next time. Sometimes it's because I am worried about being laughed at for doing the wrong thing, sometimes it's because I simply don't know what it is I am meant to do.

I am a people pleaser and a polite liar (I hate hurting people's feelings) but i am not false and find it so hard to be friendly with people I don't like.

So, I don't feel adult enough, I never know what to do in most situations, and I find real life a bit overwhelming. I am on AD's (on and off most of my adult life) and these feelings have been there forever.

Does anyone else feel unadulty an overwhelmed with things?

Op, I don't have time eight now to give a full response and I'm sure someone else will be along soon, but I didnt want to read and run.
I wonder if you've considered you might be on the ASD spectrum? Take a look at info for ASD for women, a lot of women are being diagnosed later in life now because it presents very differently in women than it does in men.

Thanks TaraR2020. ASD is ot something something I've thought about. I have virtually no knowledge of ASD so I will do some reading up this afternoon

It would be worth looking at ADHD too especially inattentive type 💐

Sorry didn’t want to read and run or sound so blunt but phone battery is about to run out!

No advice but you've put beautifully into words how I feel. I'm a 41 year old teenager. I too feel like I stopped maturing at about 19/ 20 years old and completely understand feeling very uncomfortable around 'proper adults'! I try to pretend I'm mature with things to say but I'm not and I haven't. It's a real struggle and I'm envious of women a lot younger who appear more of a grown up than me.

Thank you @singtothesky - I never knew ADHD could present very differently in women and so far, I am ticking lots of boxes (not all, but plenty of them). I always imagined it was.mostly in boys and was hyper behaviour. But reading that my inactivity, procrastination and feeling overwhelmed may be ADhd or similar has made me feel emotional! I will need to look properly into this because it is making sense to me about me.
@willowwisp24 I'm glad I'm not the only adult non adult 😅 but I'm not immature- I'm definitely an old early bedder, cosy blankets and comfort before fashion person 😄

A lot of your post I could have written myself so you are definitely not alone. I can feel pressure from people around me as when I try to be quiet and not offend anyone I get told I'm being "too withdrawn" but when I let go they find it "too much".

One outlet I have for myself - I write fan fiction! It feels like in some ways I'm expressing my teenage self but I also put my adult perspective into it. Writing is the one place I feel completely integrated.

OP, I can see myself in a lot of what you are saying..have so little self belief, and that I will say the wrong thing, that I check.what others have been doing too.
It's really hard, and would love to work on the root cause if it
I never had the messenger if Facebook.app, just used to look online so I could reply to messages in my own time, and try to leave a gap so as to avoid a conversation. i can no longer access messages this way, and i cant sigh out of the messenger so, so have had to delete it, and will re install once a week or so to check for messages. I'm also worrying that people will think I'm ignoring them. Terrible people pleaser, though nice to people I dont like also, which must mean I'm really fake, but cant stand animosity or confrontation.
A referral has been recieved by ADHD services, (I think I have ADD though) and am on the waiting list, though is quite long!
Hope you manage to get to the bottom of this OP, and the support you need. I have just finished a book 'a woman in my own right' and currently reading 'how to stop worrying and start living'..both are very good

OP you are not alone, I think exactly the same things. Reading Mumsnet doesn't help lol, the amount of posters who over interpret some gesture is unreal "my friend didn't leave an X on her text is she mad at me?" Type thing
I eventually managed though, the two things that help are firstly realising that most people are nice enough not to judge. I even find that being a little cringey helps some people relax, almost like I've owned the way and they don't have to work about it lol.
The other thing is practice. Taking is a skill, it's about language and language is as much about these nuances and culture as it is about grammar. You can forget it, and improve it. Get some leftover in by taking to people you are comfortable with. Reading books, with dialogue, aloud helps for some reason. I got a job at a call centre and it helped immensely.
You might need more than this though, and don't be afraid to ask for help. Maybe asd like other posters said, or probably anxiety

Lonstanton I totally agree on the overthinking etc.

I used to spend hours being paranoid after a social event or even a text conversation, analysing everything I said. In my chats with my autistic friends I don’t feel like that. I can just be me and it’s such a fucking relief. I was lucky that when I took my kids out of school (they are autistic/adhd too, although they weren’t diagnosed at the time) I ended up falling into a community that was so different, huge amount of autistic kids and once I was diagnosed myself a lot of the other mums realised too and it’s just been so supportive and understanding.

@Penguin81 don’t worry too much about the distinction between ADD and ADHD - my understanding is that here it’s all diagnosed as adhd anyway and you might get an added “primarily inattentive” or “inattentive type” after, or it might be written as ADHD-I. The other types being hyperactive and combined.

I’d class myself as inattentive BTW, I’m not sure if it was written on my notes. But I was such a passive child. I only realised I had ADHD a couple of years ago and it completely rocked my world tbh as I’d never even realised how inattentive I was. When you grow up like that you don’t know it’s different!

I’ve put this on threads before, but when I was first on meds for the adhd I nearly cried in the gym 😳 I was doing reps on one of the machines and suddenly realised I’d counted to ten without getting lost. It suddenly hit me that I ALWAYS got lost around 4/5, every single time I’d be like... wait... was that 5? Or 6... etc. 2 sets on several machines each session, that’s a lot of getting lost. But I’d barely even registered it as a Thing because I was ALWAYS like that.

Until suddenly I wasn’t!

@HPFA - fan fiction sounds like a really good outlet and I would imagine there's a nice community of people - something to belong too. Sounds great. What type of fan fiction do you write?

@Penguin81 - that's great youve got a referral - it's the start of the process. It is such a shame that there is along waiting list (and I would imagine longer now due to Covid) but the ball has started rolling and that can only be a good thing

@LonstantonSpiceMuseum yes, I have anxiety and depression at times and a lot of my anxiety is due to the thoughts in my head and how my brain works. I've tried CBT and I haven't found it useful thugh I know it works for a lot of folk. I often still ask my mum what to write on a card or for advice on what to say in an email (not to friends but people I don't know too well).

I do over think things and worry that what I say has been misinterpreted. It's been alomst a year since I had a convo with a colleague about weddings and I cringe about something I said. I was made redundant and have no found another job but I still worry she took what I said the wrong way.

@SingToTheSky - I wonder if my son perhaps has Aspergers but he's not ticking too many of the big red flag boxes but I think he' quie like me in his thinking but is more blunt about saying what he thinks. Some ADD traits are very him too.

I have school reports going back to P1 - all say how easily distracted i was. I'm still like that. My DH can be so absorbed in task, work that he is totally oblivious to anything other than that task - me, my head is bobbing up and down if so much as someone walks past the window. And the numbers thing - wow! Yes, that is me. Im at that age where cognative issues are starting to worry be but I realise I've always done that! I worked in a bank - I lasted 3 months. There were other issues but I found counting the money at the end of the day so so stressful and could so it 3 times and get 3 different totals!

[quote PJsEveryday]@HPFA - fan fiction sounds like a really good outlet and I would imagine there's a nice community of people - something to belong too. Sounds great. What type of fan fiction do you write?

@Penguin81 - that's great youve got a referral - it's the start of the process. It is such a shame that there is along waiting list (and I would imagine longer now due to Covid) but the ball has started rolling and that can only be a good thing[/quote]
I write a type that some people disapprove of so I don't want to derail your thread!

But seriously, I've always been wary of the advice to find a "creative outlet" as a treatment for anxiety/depression because I thought I'd just end up being upset by the uselessness of my efforts! But fan-fiction isn't like that - you write what you enjoy and you find the people who like what you write. It's been very freeing for me.

@PJsEveryday I guess that's playing a huge part in the issue. It's probably very easy to say "get treatment for it" but in reality it's not a straightforward thing to even get professionals started looking at it, let alone work through all the possible treatments.
Again I would suggest reducing Mumsnet (ironically). Just as Instagram influences eating disorders, I wonder if reading about people mad at perceived slights can lead to worrying about what you're saying.
And I get how serious it is, I have accidentally upset people once or twice and it's and awful,horrible feeling to know that's what you've done.

I found that going for therapy helped me to be me.

@HPFA well, now I'm intrigued but that's because im nosey 😁Seriously though, I did used to make cards and sell on Folksy. It was definitely a hobby because I made way more than I sold but I have no enthusiasm for anything at the moment. I can see how writing would be very beneficial in lots of ways.

Yes, I feel like this too. Most of what you wrote in your OP resonates with me.
I've suspected that I have ADHD for some years but haven't managed to do anything about it/get a diagnosis.
I struggle with social situations too and never feel 'normal'. I also relate to the feeling of not having grown up and not being able 'to adult'.
Not much help, but you're not alone.

@lonstantonspicemuseum yes, it is upsetting when you think you've upset someone . I need to stop dwelling on this aspect though as it gets me down🙁 With regards to therapy, once the covid situation starts easing up, I may go to the GP but I would need to work out what a diagnosis would mean for me. In some ways, I think I'm just looking to be told that how I think conforms to a diagnosed syndrome or such like. It would be a relief to know that I am not abnormal because at the moment i feel people watching to see how others behave and trying to emulate that behaviour for myself is just weird.

Hi @OrangeDino 👋 its horrible not to feel normal isn't it. I'm sure we are extra hard on ourselves though. I find being an adult very difficult. I am terrified of responsibility and despite having a degree, I have always had jobs that don't require a degree or that hasn't had real level of responsibility because I simply don't have te confidence to think I could do it. I find being a parent hard, I find standing up for myself hard . However, with everything that is going on in the world, I am very aware that if this is all I have to worry about, I am very very lucky. I just hope that I have the maturity yo deal with serious issues if and when they do arrive in my life

Hi @mustardfan 👋 that's great that therapy worked for you. Do you mind ne asking what type of therapy it was?

Hi op, I see you have lots of helpful replies so will keep mine brief. I could have written most of your post as it sounds like me.

I have never scored high enough on ASD tests. Friends always said DM was eccentric and I wonder if she is Aspergers but will never know. I saw a Private Psychiatrist a few years ago who diagnosed me with Inattentive ADHD. It was an affirmation moment where I could stop worrying so much about what is wrong with me.

I'll just try and write helpful stuff relevant to your post.

Re. Thinking you are not adult- hold onto this, because you may come to see yourself as...young in mind, inquistive, original, non conformist etc. These are all positive, reframings.

Some of what you mention sounds like Imposter Syndrome which lots of people get, lots of people don't know what they are doing, fake it until you make it

Sometimes confidence is preparation and rehearsal e.g. conversation starters etc.

When I took ADHD medication the first thing I noticed was how much time I spent worrying about what other people think! It helped with this a lot e.g. getting to the point (in a nice way)

I need lots of alone time and have found a working life that fits this, I really recommend if you can.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is common with ADHD. Also ppl with ADHD can be very hard on themselves, I guarantee lots of people will think twice about what they write in regards to illness, bereavement, it is not an easy one!

@PJsEveryday

Hi *@mustardfan* 👋 that's great that therapy worked for you. Do you mind ne asking what type of therapy it was?

The therapy I’ve had was Integrative: the therapist was person centred/ psychodynamic. I used to go and talk about anything and everything, I always led the conversation. It was surprising how much emotion came up, just from this, and how different I feel.

You sound just like me! Although I do think a lot of people don't "feel" like adults. We just wait patiently for it to happen. Maybe talk to a doctor, it could be ADHD. If it is, then you'll learn to cope with your feelings.