Adult add? But no problems as a child?

[thelegohooverer]

I have a lot of symptoms that seem to fit an attention deficit disorder profile but I didn’t notice these problems as a child.

I was a bit messy, forgetful and day dreamy but I did very well in school - I think the structure, clear rules and expectations and short tasks helped a lot. I found university more of a struggle but did ok because I could throw myself into assignments.

But I’m a pretty disastrous adult. And it seems to get worse as time goes on. Lately I really struggle to hear what my family are saying sometimes because I get distracted by more interesting conversations in my head and I’m really good at looking like I’m paying close attention.
I’m terrible at keeping on top of basic admin. Tasks that other people do in 2 mins - like comparing insurance, take me hours and then I’ll realise I’ve been wasting time doing it all wrong.
I’m not good at organising myself or working out the best order of doing things and end up making work for myself.
I never sit still - in meetings I’m always moving my foot, or my fingers - discreetly and quietly - but other people seem to be able to sit quite still and I can’t.

I manage some aspects quite well - like the inattention or fidgeting so they rarely get noticed and I think I probably did as a child too. I remember being terminally bored in school and positioning myself at the front of the class so the teacher couldn’t see that I was reading a book, or the rest of the textbook, or doing homework for the next class. But I never seemed to draw negative attention like some other kids.

I had a great capacity for absorbing a lot of detail as a child. I could daydream and doodle and take in what the teacher was saying. I remember being able to repeat verbatim what a teacher had said, with the tone of voice they used, or recall details about the classroom/weather/ etc alongside facts. Like a photographic memory but the auditory version. This ability diminished rapidly in my twenties.

I was really amused the first time I tried an adhd quiz because I associated adhd with a certain type of problem child whereas I was a very competent child - often the one sent on messages and given responsibility. But the more I look at it the more it fits me as an underperforming adult.

Did anyone else have little or no issues as a child, but problems as an adult? Or is there something other than add/adhd that might explain what I’m describing?

I only recognised adhd in childhood as an adult iyswim. All the adult symptoms were present but it has to have been present in childhood for a diagnosis. I went digging through school reports and that was a revelation- apparently I was disorganised, forgetful, daydreamer etc., all over my reports. I remember nothing of this, apart from being late every day. My parents must have never made a thing of the other comments. I did struggle to organise exam revision, ditto my first degree was a struggle. Esp with girls, a lot of masking takes place, you develop adaptive strategies, then these tend to come unstuck in later life, I think of it as the 'RAM' in our brains just getting full. For me I was risking losing my job and not managing basic chores hence pursuing diagnosis.

People would describe me as the perfect child. I was quiet and calm, passive, and really smart. Did well in school.

Looking back I was just clever enough to still do well in subjects despite lacking attention. Eg it didn’t matter if I was daydreaming in maths and didn’t hear a thing the teacher said, because as soon as it was time to do the work it clicked anyway. I could get all the questions right on a comprehension test without really understanding the whole piece, because I could just pick out what the questions were looking for.

I don’t say all that to show off how clever I am/was - I mean, it’s got me precisely nowhere in life. But it just shows that ADHD really REALLY doesn’t show in the ways you’d think. Especially in women (skimming your thread - because I haven’t the capacity right now to read in detail 😳 - I can’t see you mention your sex so I’m not sure that’s relevant).

And it’s really common for the scattiness and inability to cope to get worse in adulthood as the responsibilities pile up, even before having kids.

Can’t diagnose you obv but don’t rule it out because of how you were in childhood. 💐

I came on to start a thread asking about the benefits of getting a diagnosis in adulthood but it seems to fit quite well into this thread.

I am like you in that I am struggling in adulthood but didn't really in childhood, although I did struggle massively with concentration and almost obsessive day dreaming, it didn't affect my results. I am managing to function at work, although it's a struggle, but my home life is a disaster area - completely unorganised, forgetful and I can't get on top of it.
But when look into adult diagnosis, it seems to suggest the main benefit is getting an explanation for how you are, and I can't really see the benefit of that?! Are there any other advantages?

Yes, much the same as pp. Well-behaved and did well at school (although was inconsistent) but got pulled up a few times for talking too much and being late. A bit dreamy and inattentive and disorganised but smart enough to procrastinate and still do well, did homework in registration etc. Oxbridge but underperformed there (self-study didn’t go very well). Good career in law but as I aged it all gets a bit much doing that and socialising and running a home. Diagnosed age 38. Such a relief to understand myself finally.

Plus your symptoms listed above OP all sound very familiar

Pp, the benefit I had from a diagnosis is that I felt validated and my mind was put to rest knowing a professional agreed that I had adhd. It meant I could put to rest the voice in my head that said “maybe I am just cr*p/lazy/stupid/messy/a bad person etc”). I literally have a different brain so I struggles are entirely justified, not to excuse me from working on them but just to find a bit of peace and acceptance at why I am how I am. I am ttc so not taking meds yet but diagnosis does give access to that as well, and some people find them lifechanging! Also, I got hauled up at work for doing something impulsive (not huge) and I think being able to mention the diagnosis meant I got a bit more understanding about it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4009713-AIBU-to-wish-more-people-know-that-ADHD-persists-into-adulthood

Thank you @Sparrowfeeder - that's really helpful :)

That’s a very interesting point about the benefits of a diagnosis. I’m pretty accepting of myself on the whole. I haven’t got on well with meds in the past (contraceptives/ anti depressants/anti anxiety) so even with a diagnosis I’d be reluctant to take anything, so maybe there’s not much point in over thinking it.

I have found articles on organisation aimed at people with adhd or caring for someone with adhd have been really helpful.

Will read that link later too.

@thelegohooverer That's a bit how I feel - I don't feel I need an explanation for being how I am, in fact, if anything, I almost don't want one, as I know myself well enough to know I might see it as an excuse, and stop trying to be more organized, remember things etc. I am open to meds though, if it would make life a bit easier.

I was listening to a talk with Dr. Russell Barkley the other day, he's one of the most respected voices in the ADHD world, and he explained that ADHD/ADD can be much more impairing as an adult than as a child, because it primarily affects your executive functions. When you're a child, you have adults taking care of all those things for you, and particularly if you're quite intelligent or quick to grasp things, it doesn't really cause problems for you - it might slow you down or prevent you from "getting" something, but you might well simply figure out how to work around that so that it doesn't show. You wouldn't necessarily be aware of this or doing it consciously.

This rings true for me - for example, I never memorised my times tables. Just couldn't do it. But it never mattered because I'm good enough at mental maths that I was able to work out the relevant multiplication fast enough that it seemed like I had memorised the table.

However, at some point the support given by adults falls away or the expectations become too great and this tends to be when adults with ADHD fall apart. For me it happened around age 15/16 - I moved from a very managed GCSE syllabus to a much more open ended course at college where I was expected to manage my own workload, prioritise, use good time management and so on and it was a complete disaster. Everyone assumed it was just the course not being a good fit, so I went on to do A Levels instead - total repeat disaster. I went from being a straight A student to someone who would skip class (!!!) and turn up late (OK, I was always late for everything, but this was taking the piss late) - so again, thought it was smart kid coasting syndrome, that everything had been easy and I'd just reached my level where I actually had to try, and wasn't used to this. In hindsight no, that wasn't the case - I got into university a few years later as a mature student, did really well (mainly using the same amount of effort I had at GCSE level) and then forgot to go to some exams. Repeated story. I did a postgraduate level short qualification (without A Levels!) - the content was absolutely fine for me and I got a very good grade on this course, but if it had been any longer than 13 weeks I would have run out of steam/adrenaline and made some stupid decision/mistake. As an adult I make decisions without properly thinking them through because it's like I can't see ahead. Or I make decisions and then only do half of the steps required to follow through.

For some adults the falling apart happens during the teen years, for some it happens during university, for some it happens during working life, or when you have a child. But it's incredibly frustrating, whatever happens.

Anyway, no, I didn't have "problems" as a child, but I absolutely had symptoms - daydreamy, always away with the fairies, lost everything, late for things, my hair was constantly falling out of its ponytail and my skirt was probably tucked into my knickers. I had sensory issues - not liking certain clothes, wanting to be able to touch certain textures all the time. Didn't get up and wander around but was always fidgeting or half falling off my chair. Never quite "fitted in" socially because there is a big chunk of social nuance I just totally miss (still!)

Medication hasn't helped me as much as the diagnosis and learning about the disorder has. But I am in Germany and it's not easy to get medication here.

@BertieBotts thanks for sharing. A huge amount of that resonates with me.

@bertiebotts are you me? 100% agree my other hugely difficult thing was learning to drive, it nearly pushed me over the edge.
I’m still undiagnosed, I have loads of forms to fill in but with the procrastination just haven’t done it!
Do you guys have children also diagnosed?

I didn't manage to pass my driving test, I tried four times. I still don't think I would be a safe driver if I did manage to pass unfortunately.

DS1 who is 12 is diagnosed but again school said no problems (but kept complaining he talks to his friends too much and is easily distracted and his work is messy) he's clever too, so he compensates. I asked for diagnosis as I recognised traits that I had myself. His behaviour was often stressful when he was younger, but I didn't have anything to compare it to so thought it was just normal toddler stuff. I have DS2 now and even as a toddler he is so different, it's astounding.

I strongly suspect my ex of having ADHD, a more severe and hyperactive variant than me, so the poor kid had no chance :o

Just remarking place before I fall off. I’m currently listening (when I remember!) to an audiobook on adhd by Russell Barkley. Good so far although have only listened to the stuff about diagnosis.

I’m 2.5 weeks into lisdex now and the anxiety has reduced a lot, but is still very much there. My GP (having spoken to a psychiatrist) is letting me add escitalopram at a low dose to try and help that.

DS has his camhs appt for adhd discussion tomorrow and I’m bricking it tbh. We’ve been waiting for it for so long, it took three referrals to get in and I’m worried we will mess it up!

@BertieBotts is he medicated? I’m so unsure what to do too. My daughter also bright and totally compensated but I think the teenage years might be difficult.

How ADHD am I - I just realised my previous post was meant to be on another thread 😳😂

SheRa my DCs aren’t diagnosed, DS just started with camhs today but no idea what will happen. DD1 is clearly inattentive but they lost the fucking referral. I’d encourage DD1 to try meds, as she’s struggling so much and in combination with her LDs it’s a nightmare. But the potential for increased anxiety does worry me!

No because we are in Germany and everyone seems to think homeopathy is actual medicine

Well that's probably not the only reason - I do have some friends here with kids on medication. But his doctor didn't recommend it for now. He does take 1mg melatonin as and when to help him fall asleep - he struggled with that before.

I talk to him about my ADHD a lot and we talk about it when things come up, for example today we were talking about him forgetting to submit his school work electronically and he said he thinks oh I'll do that later, and then forgets - I said never ever do that, the problem is the circuitry to retrieve "I'll do that later" to "Oh, I was going to do that later, better do it now" is non existent, so don't rely on it. Either do it immediately, or build in something that will trigger that reminder process, it won't happen automatically.

If it gets to a point he's struggling to use tools then I would go back and ask about medication, but he's pretty open to talking, I hope (??!!!??!) that this may continue through the teen years, it's always been my parenting philosophy but of course no idea yet whether it will pay off.

Just started using the collaborative problem solving model from Ross Greene (good explanations in The Explosive Child / Raising Human Beings, depending on whether your child is explosive or not!) and while it did go on for hours, it has been incredibly useful so far, so I really recommend that.