I’ve had 2 weeks annual leave from work and I’ve realised in the last 2 weeks I’ve had 0 phone calls, 0 texts, 0 messages from anyone. Absolutely nothing. I honestly don’t think anyone would notice if I wasn’t here and just disappeared off the face of the earth.
My mother was abusive throughout my entire childhood and ran off years ago. My dads still around but we aren’t close, he knew about the abuse and let it continue so he isn’t exactly a trustworthy figure he wouldn’t bother if I didn’t check in every so often. No partner, a few friends which I guess are more acquaintances than anything else. They wouldn’t be there at all if I didn’t make the first move, instigate a message or a walk etc... colleagues are just that- colleagues. I’ve reached out to the doctors and mental health places about being so low and they say the usual “it’ll be okay” “it’s a strange time” “they understand”. They don’t understand though. They have families, they have siblings, partners and friends. I know the relationships won’t all be perfect but they all have someone who looks out for them. Someone who cares or they can turn to. They always just tell me there must be someone who I can rely on but there isn’t. They just think I’m exaggerating.
I’ve tried to push myself. Done everything that people say will work. I’ve went to the gym, tried medication, counselling, went for walks, got hobbies, went to social meet-ups, tried online dating and the only thing it’s proven is that people can’t be trusted. Inevitably people always hurt you and betray you in some way or they just can’t be bothered to make the effort. I don’t know how to keep trying when all that happens is you get screwed over, hurt and have to try and pick yourself up from rock bottom yet again. At what point do you just give up?!
I try so hard to be a nice person, I’m kind, I care and I would do anything for people so I don’t understand why I don’t deserve a chance to be happy. How I can do everything right and try so hard and every single time everything still comes crashing down why I’m not even worthy of one single person giving a toss that I’m here I’m struggling.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I guess I just needed to get it out. I don’t even know how to pick myself up anymore.