Depressed and starting to hurt myself

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I have suddenly become very depressed and I have started to harm myself. I don't know why I'm doing this, I've never done it before. I have a baby of a few weeks old, so its probably pnd. I did the questionnaire from the hv and she said it scored high. I lied about the last question asking about thoughts of harming myself - I said never. Despite a high score, there is no follow up, no referral, no help.

I asked my gp for something to help me a couple of weeks ago. She gave me herbal drops. They are not working yet, but she did say it could take up to 3 weeks to work. I saw her yesterday and asked for something stronger as I am really finding things emotionally very, very hard (I didn't tell her about the harming). She won't prescibe me anti-depressants because I'm bf. So I came away feeling like there is nothing that can be done for me.

My 'symptoms' are: constantly on the verge of tears, crying a lot, overwhelming sadness, short temper, tiredness, insomnia, disproportionate anger, excessive swearing, being nasty to my children, low esteem, feeling I'm so bloody useless at everything, thumping myself, hitting myself with a hairbrush and feeling stupid.

I feel I'm in some sort of spiral that I can't control or get out of. My other dc are very difficult at the moment, particularly the oldest one. He is very angry at me. His behaviour is getting out of control, or at least I can't control him. He makes me so angry. And when I'm angry I say such nasty things to him, things which can't be unsaid. I think I've harmed him forever so no wonder he's angry at me. I'm ashamed to say I have even smacked him a few times. I know that is so very, very wrong and quite rightly I'm likely to be vilified. Believe me there is nothing anyone can say that will make me feel worse than I do already. Yes I know I'm nasty and a bully. Since I've been hurting myself, thankfully I haven't had the urge to smack him. It's like I can control that part of me now, thank god. Before all this I think I was a nice person, I certainly had a lovely relationship with my ds. I hope its not gone forever.

What can I do to help myself? I will not, and can't, be telling the hv or gp about the self harming. They both know how I feel apart from that, but I'm not getting much support. Am I supposed to just carry on? I'm scared how this has escalated in the last few weeks and how it might go on. I have arranged through the hv to get the school nurse to 'have a chat' with my son to see if there is anything they can do to help (he's 8). When my anger builds up I try to take myself away from whoever is making me mad. I do try not to cry in front of the children but a lot of the time I can't help it. What else can I do? I hurt myself when I am very tearful, to stop me crying or more usually if I am angry to try to diffuse it I suppose.

I have a supportive dh in terms of childcare, but he has his own depressive illness, so I won't be burdening him. I don't have much family to turn to. I have lots of friends, but they usually come to me for support. I'm surrounded by friends but feel so lonely. I did a search of previous threads about self harming already. Reading through made me feel a bit better, but most people seem to be referring to the past. I can't believe I got to this age and its starting now. What's happening to me? How can I protect my family from me? Sorry to ramble, my mind is a mess. (I have a new name for this, but I have posted before. I'm just so ashamed). Thanks for helping if you can.

Hi, I self-harm too and just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have had a few "good" days where I haven't wanted to do it but I do find it addictive and actually enjoy it (I use razor blades). I seem to have cycles of it. You really need to see a psychiatrist so that you can get some good advice re: medication, and what, if any would be appropriate for you. I feel that GPs don't really have enough expertise to prescribe correctly in all cases. My depression is bipolar so I was told that anti-depressants by themselves could cause mania. I hope you get some help soon xxxx

Thanks again everyone. Your support is tremendous. I have gone from feeling a feak to feeling that I am probably quite normal just with a condition that can be helped and treated.

I've had a crappy couple of days, but have tried very hard to control my urges, only giving in a few times. Dh discovered my bruises and asked questions. I am on medication anyway that can lead to easy bruising so that is what I said it was due to. But it made me realise I won't be able to hide it forever. I tried to tell him about how I'm feeling but he's not very receptive at the moment, which has made me feel unimportant.

I have another appointment booked with my gp for about 10 days time. I will think very hard about telling her everything. At the very least I will research bf and ad's, especially the use of sertraline, and discuss it with her. I'll also look into St John's wort, just in case. Meanwhile I'll maybe use the ice or exercise suggestions. My only worry is that both require some forethought. For me, I kind of need to do it (hurt myself that is) spontaneously and instantly. But I'm going to try hard.

On a positive note, I'm getting on better with ds1. I did lose patience at one point, but on the whole its been good. We've enjoyed some cuddles too, which hasn't happened in a little while.

I?m sorry you are going through this

Please do go back to your GP. You can take certain Ads whilst breastfeeding (eg Zoloft [Sertraline] & Prozac). They do pass into breastmilk but at very low levels and doctors have to weigh up the risk to the mother & baby of not treating the depression, which can at worst be potentially life threatening to one or both parties versus a BF taking antidepressants. There are lots of people on here who have taken ADs whilst breastfeeding (including me)

I know it is hard but I think you may have to be honest about thoughts of hurting yourself. It?s not an easy thing to admit to. I only started harming myself seriously when I was in my late twenties. I felt so stupid- as if it was something only teenage girls do. I know that?s not true, but I felt that I was old enough to know better and should have been more able to control myself. There are things you can do in the short-term to cope with your emotions/ anger/ urges to hurt yourself but you have to do something for the long-term too. I have posted on other threads in the past, but when you have the urge to harm yourself, try:

? Putting your face into a sink full of ice water ? the use of ice is clinically shown to stop the urges.

? If you can?t do that, try anything else that is very cold and wet (like a can of coke) on your forehead ideally, but you can also just hold ice in your hand or on your wrists.

? Squeezing something (a stressball/ balloon filled with flour ? I walked around with one of those on me for months when I was at my worst!) very very tightly.

Whatever has happened with your older DC, don?t worry. Kids are tough ? if they know you love them, they will be ok. I?m so glad things with DS1 are a bit better.

Hang on in there. But please, do seek further help. Sometime you have to be far more insistent than you should need to be (I learnt this the hard way).

I saw my doctor this week. Tbh I wasn't planning on telling her about all this, but while she was examining me for something else she asked me about my bruises. I fobbed her off until she asked outright if my dh was abusing me. The shame and embarrassment of hurting myself isn't as bad as having people think my dh is doing this to me, so I took a breath, thought of all of you saying how important it is to talk to someone, then blurted it out. The relief was instant. She was not judgemental as I'd feared. She listened and was very supportive. Then she explained that one of the drugs I'm on is well known for causing psychosis and personality changes. She thinks this might be the cause for me feeling like I do. I can't come off this medication straight away as I have to be weaned off it, but we have started this process. Knowing there is a cause is tremendously helpful. What got me was that this seemed to come from nowhere, hitting me out of the blue (excuse the pun!). Hopefully things should improve as I give up the drug. Saying that I'm incredibly mindful of all of you who have given me advice, for which there is no quick fix. I really wish things could be as simple for all of us.

Meanwhile things aren't quite as intense as they were. I'm still doing it, but not as often or as bad as before. Relationships within the family are improving too. It's a chicken and egg situation - I'm not sure which is driving which. But who cares, as long as its all right in the end. Thank you once again to you all. Like I said, it was thinking of all your supportive words that gave me the courage to speak out with my doctor. So my heartfelt thanks to you all.

Well done you. I didn't spot your thread until just now but reading it made me so sad for you and I was about to join the others in recommending you go back to the GP and tell everything.

How long will it take to wean off the drug she thinks is responsible?

Good luck with it all. Remember there is always someone here to "talk" to when you are feeling bad.

Exercise would be a good idea if you can. My sister is bi-polar and she finds that exercise helps her. She just goes for walks when she can but feels better on the days that she does manage to walk.

She is also about to try acupuncture.

Thank you buda. They think it'll be about another 6 weeks, decreasing my dose gradually. That is if I can come off it. Let's hope so.

If you ever want to chat off board about this in complete confidence please email me mummyhillandtheminihills@yahoodotcodotuk.