Hello

[TinkerbellesMum]

Hey all, I've been avoiding posting here, not sure why though but I thought it was about time.

I have had depression since the age of 4 (four) and have been hit hard by PNI. I guess it isn't surprising when you take my recent history into it.

I had a little girl, called Lily-Hope, born in September 2005 at 20 weeks, she was alive at birth and lived for three hours. Shortly after I got pregnant again and had problems accepting I was going to have a baby (Lily-Hope was concieved straight after a miscarriage) partly from losing two pregnancies before and partly from my "perfect" pregnancy (no MS, cravings etc).

I always said I would believe I was having a baby when she was born. Unfortunately I went into labour at 31 weeks and had to have an emergency section as she was footling. With a lack of time they had to give me a General Anaesthetic so I wasn't even able to see my baby being born.

I was hit by day three blues, but day five I was very bad that my partner called the ward sister and she called a psychiatrist from the attached general hospital.

Since Tinkerbelle was born I haven't really accepted that she's mine, I feel like I'm babysitting. I am still down all the time, I have vivid thoughts about something bad happening to her (accidentally of course) I have no motivation and am generally down all the time.

On Tuesday this week I finally admitted to the thoughts I've been having and she said that I have OCD and when my mood has been lifted by the medication I will start seeing a psychologist. I've never had an official diagnosis beyond "depression" before!

Looking into OCD (one of my obsessions I think is researching everything) I can see that I have had a lot of OCD tendancies through my life - Mum would probably say unfortunately cleaning has never been part of it!

That's all I can think of at the moment. I started my new pills yesterday and head is still slightly fuzzy.

I don't really know what to say apart from you've been through a hell of alot and well done for admitting how you've been feeling that is a major step. I'm sure someone will come along with more experience in these matters than me I just couldn't ignore your thread.

I'm bumping this again for you. x

hey tinkerbelles mum - no experience here of stillbirth or miscarriage but have had OCD for a long time, if I can be of help ??

I dont know what to say! Im so sorry that you have had to go through this, its not fair, and i wish i could help. do you have friends family nearby who you can talk to?

Hello you too. Don't know if there's much I can say to help - glad you're getting some support in terms of ADs and poss psychologist. That sounds a really positive step to take.
I just really identified with your comment about feeling like you're babysitting. I had a very difficult pregnancy and lost a twin and I think it was a kind of numbness afterwards with the surviving baby. When you've gone through so much, you try and deal with it by evening everything out so the bad things don't get to you. But then the good things don't either. It can ease with time, and it sounds like you're making all the right moves to solve it.

I get the black thoughts too but I don't know what to make of that.

You've got one cute girl though, that pic on your profile is very sweet.

Hi,
I'm sorry you've had such a horible time. I can also identify with what you said about not believing you were having a baby until it happened. I fell pregnant against the odds due to having a medical condition which generally causes infertility. During the pregnancy I bled throughout and was told from the start i was likely to miscarry or go into premature labour. I did start going into labour at 29 weeks and 33 weeks but managed to carry on until 36 weeks. Then I got a kidney infection which turned into blood poisoning and had an emergency induction. The whole thing was a blur. I had a massive bleed and needed blood transfusions and was barely conscious and DS was whisked away to SCBU without me seeing him, because he was having breathing difficulties and had a head injury during the delivery. (He's fine now, by the way) When I first went to SCBU i was terrified that |I wouldn't recognise him but I could even recognise his cry without having seen him before!
I too felt like i was babysitting for the first six or seven weeks - I but I bonded eventually, and i'm sure you will too.
I've also been hit by PND/PTSD and have my first appointment with a psychologist next week - after 9 months waiting.
Sorry this is a bit of a ramble but just wanted you to know that you're not alone with this.

{{{{{{{}}}}}}}

I didn't bond with my first for a while as I was sure he was going to die (had an emergency section) and no one told me he was fine. I have also been depressed on and off for 20 years but

I now have 3 children and while still on ADs things are looking better.

I used to be a nanny and I sometimes even now my eldest is 6 can't believe they are all mine and that someone isn't going to take them.

I hope you get the help you need and I am so sorry for your losses.

I just noticed that I should have said:

On Tuesday this week I finally admitted to my psychiatrist the thoughts I've been having and she said...

Thank you all for your kind words, it's nice to know I'm not alone, even though I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone.

I'm glad that I'm not the only "babysitter", it feels so odd that I couldn't imagine it being something many people feel.

Peaches, thank you. Tink is an extrodinary little girl, I'm very proud of her (even if I'm "not" her mummy lol)

It's odd being told I have OCD, but I am glad I know because it makes a lot of things I do make sense (as much as they can) and I don't feel like I have to hide or feel ashamed of them. When I first read about OCD I thought I had "Pure O" where you just have thoughts but don't act on them, but thinking about it I do do things. Like today having to empty all my pockets to go on the log flume because something might fall out. Checking a couple of times everything was out my pockets and checking again when I got off. Or researching everything. Or making lists all the time (I hate not having a note pad on me) think I'll stop listing lol.

I go to a group at the local psychiatric hospital once a week, which is really nice. They are on 8 week cycles but they are keeping me on longer because of how bad things are and I'm seeing the Dr every 3 weeks (supposedly).

a bit brief as I am in a rush but I'm sure it'll help knowing that you have a proper diagnosis of OCD and you'll be able to be helped to deal with it...I check endlessly and write lists too - OCD is not nice but it can be managed - I do sympathise. Again apologies for brevity - will try to get back again to see how you're doing

tinkerbells mammy you have had such a hard time but im glad you have ur little bundle of joy i myself have had two miscarraiges and i lelf my world had ended but eventually i had my daughter katie and sometimes think its still a dream so dont worry i think when you have waited and dreamed of ur own baby for so long that its only natural beast of luck