Loss of family member

[Therally]

We recently lost my father in law to cancer. I have no idea how I’m supposed to deal with it or how to support my partner.
We’ve been together for almost ten years and share a family and a home together. Since his father died he has been staying with his mum to support her, which I’m immensely proud of. But I feel so alone. Iv never personally had to deal with the loss of a loved one before and so the feelings I’m experiencing are all new to me. But I’m totally alone in my grief. My partner needs to grieve in his own way and I totally get that, but he also has a family here that need him. He rarely wants to c me or speak to me and I’m trying to give him space. But when there’s always time to go to see a friend for a drink or for dinner but no time for me and the kids I feel like Iv not only lost his dad, but Iv lost him too. How the hell do I support him without pushing him away or losing him for good while at the same time, dealing with my grief from the horrible thing we’ve experienced? Don’t know where to turn

How long has he been staying with his mum?

People handle grief in their own way, and perhaps he feels his mum needs him now rather than it being for himself. It doesn't sound very much as if you're a family unit though. It's nice he's supporting his mum, but not good if he's neglecting his own family - especially if he's still seeing friends during it but not his own partner and dc.

Since his dad passed away just over two weeks ago. He’s spent two nights here since, both times we were drinking. Offering to have a drink with him seems to be the only way I can get to spend some time with him. Iv been to his mums a few times and had dinner with them on a couple of occasions too but it seems like with everyday that passes I lose him a little more.
He isn’t the best at dealing with problems and always runs away and drinks. When he does this he ignores me, whenever he’s with friends Me and the kids r nothing. Same applies now. He is seeing a lot of a perticular friend atm, one Iv never met before. We had gone to see his dad at the chapel of rest at the wknd and it was awful! Both hard to c his dad like that and hard to c him breaking down. But straight after we had seen him my partner just dropped me at my mums and left - went out on a bender and I didn’t hear a word from him. And I’m left to deal with it all on my own. Like I say I’m not trying to take anything away from his grief or to sound selfish but I am finding it immensely difficult on my own.
I have expressed to him a couple of times how scared I am that he’s going to let his grief consume him and for us to end up splitting up. He just has a go at me. He can’t bring himself to tell me he loves me or to even kiss me goodbye it seems. I do struggle a lot with anxiety at the best of times but this is a whole different level of anxiety Iv never experienced

I’m also noticing little things like he doesn’t say “we” or “us” anymore. It’s always “I” and “me”. Doesn’t call our home “home”, calls his mums “home” and our home is now “yours”. Little things like that I’m noticing and it’s destroying me

I think you've lost him, OP, I'm sorry to say. He's behaving in a very childish way. I don't think it's so much that he wants to spend time with his mum (though he will always say that's his reason) but that he wants to go and get pissed with friends. When he's off with his friends he's hardly looking after his mum, is he?

How close were you to his father? Are you also grieving this loss very hard or is it more than you're worried about your husband?

I think for me when my dad died I was a complete mess for a month I couldn't go to work I couldn't do anything, pretty useless still for a good 3 months, it was a year before I didn't think about it every second of every day but still affects me 10 years later.

I think it's 2 weeks it's so new. Expecting him to be anything other than a complete mess is not realistic.

@HollowTalk

I think you've lost him, OP, I'm sorry to say. He's behaving in a very childish way. I don't think it's so much that he wants to spend time with his mum (though he will always say that's his reason) but that he wants to go and get pissed with friends. When he's off with his friends he's hardly looking after his mum, is he?

Did you see the follow up where it was mentioned it was 2 weeks?

We’re you having problems before, could this be his way of leaving ?

I'm sorry, op, but your partner has left you. He's just too much of a coward to tell you. He's waiting for you to end it.

Yes, I did see that it was two weeks. In that time he's only been back to his partner and children twice. He has a responsibility to his own family. If he was at his mum's and being upset all the time, that might be different, but he's off out drinking and having meals with friends.

I get what ur saying but he is notorious for running away when things gets tough. I can’t count the amount of times Iv been left ignored while he’s on a bender because he’s struggling with something. But at the same time we r close, we’ve been together almost ten years and been through a lot together. He is a good man, can b an arsehole at times but who isn’t? Our daughter is his world. But atm we r forgotten and I don’t want to tell him how to grieve as it’s personal for everyone. Like he says to me he’s distant from everyone because all he wants is his dad bk. his mum understands he needs to have his space too because his dad was the same when he lost his mum. I just don’t know if this is him being him or if Iv not only lost his dad too, but Iv also lost my family

I’m not expecting him to be anything. He’s grieving, and it’s no ones place to tell someone how to grieve. Yes I was quite close to his dad, and I’m struggling with it immensely. But where all I want is for him to support me through my grief I also want to support him through his as it’s a lot different for him, he’s just lost his dad. It’s so hard to explain

Two weeks isn't very long, but you will have to think back to the relationship before this happened. He sounds very immature and he sounds as though he's left his family without telling you officially - it could be the grief making him behave this way but maybe there were signs from before he lost his dad?

If there were no relationship issues before this then I'd give it time. Him time to grieve, and time for you to grieve from the loss too. It just doesn't sound as though you have been left in a nice position, but if it is the grief making him behave this way then I'd make allowances for that. I'm sorry it's a struggle for you though, I'm just not sure what to suggest as if he is genuinely really torn by the loss of his dad, he may not be thinking rationally at the moment. I don't know whether it's a possibility but if it's his mum he's worried about, would it be possible for her to move in with you temporarily?

I get what ur saying but he is notorious for running away when things gets tough. I can’t count the amount of times Iv been left ignored while he’s on a bender because he’s struggling with something.

If this is a regular feature of your relationship I would have a think about whether you want to continue putting up with it for the rest of your life. Fair enough struggling at the loss of a parent, but if he's the type who repeatedly runs away/buries his head in the sand at the first hint of trouble, that's not the type of person you are going to be able to depend on for the rest of your life. Things in life don't always go to plan, and I wouldn't feel secure with someone who sounds that flakey and immature.

It’s hard to say tbh, we have been through a lot together. There’s never been any infidelity or anything like that but just normal relationship problems. Money, kids, his drinking problems. His mum is happy to stay in her home, she is a strong woman but when we had found out about his dads cancer he had said he would go to stay with him mum for abit so she’s not on her own. He’s also taken out dog so that when he’s not there she still has the dog for company so Iv not even got the dog for comfort. We have the funeral at the end of the month so with that looming still we haven’t had that “closure”. His mum will b getting a dog after things have settled and the original plan was for my partner to come home after that but who knows? From where I’m sitting I’m on my own and with my anxiety I’m just having so many thoughts running around in my head and one thought constantly leads to another. Losing his dad has totally destroyed him, I can feel his pain and it’s soul destroying to c someone u love have to go through pain like that

If the roles were reversed and you lost a close family member, would you be able to leave him and the dc in this way and expect him to just deal with it? Especially knowing he was suffering anxiety (I'm not surprised you're anxious being in the position where you have no idea if or when he's coming back home!)

I agree with u to a degree, and from the outside looking in I would probably be saying the same thing. But he’s not all bad. We’ve shared so much together I can’t leave him. I love him so much. We have a life together. Kids, our home. Sounds pathetic I know but he really is everything to me

No I wouldn’t. But that’s what’s different about us, and everyone. Everyone deals with stress differently. I could never leave as Iv got the kids to think about. And if I’m upset all I want is him. Whereas he shuts himself away

I’m in a not dissimilar situation, my DF passed away just over two weeks ago and I’ve spent a lot of time since then with my DM, not least as she came out of hospital shortly after he passed away and needs care herself. The difference is I have been doing my utmost to keep in contact with my partner and children, and to spend time with them where I can. I’m afraid that I don’t really have capacity to support my partner in his grief about my father - and he is relying on others to support him, while he also looks after our children. He understands that and that to support me he needs to take on the practical burden of our children. But I have also been clear that I am constantly reassessing priorities and don’t intend to stay at my mums longer than I need to.

In your case, I’d be inclined to let this slide until the funeral, but then to force a conversation with him about the future and how he supports his mum in becoming more independent so that he can return home and back to family life. That may mean a tapering down of the time he spends with his mum rather than an outright return.

I’m sorry to hear about ur loss. Although I am grieving and I want my partner here to support me I do understand that his grief is more important. I may have thought a lot of his dad but it’s still nothing in comparison. I’m also happy for him to b at his mums right now, and proud of him for stepping up. It’s just the point that he does still have me and the kids here. We r still his family. I’m not some girlfriend who he jus met, we have a life together. It’s difficult because I just have a gut feeling that this is more than grief. And when he’s going out seeing mates, doing normal things with everyone around him except me it hurts. I think to myself “y do his mates mean more than I do”, that sort of thing. I want to give him the space he needs, anything to make the whole process easier for him. But with wanting him here too I just don’t know what to do. Assume that it’s over? Say something? Pretend like I’m fine?

I think you need to talk to him, but I agree about waiting for the funeral. I do understand he needs his time to grieve and he's handling it his own way, but it just sounds as though he's not reliable at the best of times either. I think it's ok to tell him that you're upset about losing your fil too, but of course it's not the same as he feels which you know. Time should help. In the meantime I hope you've got friends/family of your own to speak to xx

Right so wtf is going on here? So I asked him Monday if he wanted to come home for dinner with me n the kids one day this wk and possibly stay the night, his answer - “Iv got a lot of work on ill b too tired”. So the only day he has “free” is Friday. When we had planned to have a drink. So no family time. Yet he went out last night. Sent him a text and all I get is “I’m out now” and not a word since. I want to support him but do I just completely back off or what?

Only you and he will know whether this is his way or grieving or whether this is a pattern of avoiding family commitments.

I’ve spent more time speaking to friends over the past few weeks as I find it helpful to offload to someone less close to the situation and their distance often helps offer perspective. I don’t find it as easy to speak to my partner as he is far too close to the situation and wants to fix everything, when sometimes I just need to get stuff out to help me process it.

I’d still be inclined to let this lie until the funeral as there is a significant chance that this could be how he is dealing with his grief and to tackle his distancing you after that. I would find it very hard if my partner was trying to dictate how I could grieve - especially so soon after my DF died. You could also suggest bereavement counselling - either for now or after the funeral. Might help him to communicate his grief better to you.