Does anyone else just not want to exist

Whatapalavaa · 2021-02-07T16:20:31+00:00

I find life so intolerable. I just don't want to exist. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to see people anymore. I don't want to own a house anymore. I don't want to have a family. I don't want to go on holidays or do hobbies. I don't want a future. I just want to press a button and disappear. I feel so trapped.

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 07/02/2021 16:24

Hi op

I didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Have you anyone in real life to talk to? Did anything trigger this or has it just been getting worse?

Can you speak to your gp? There could be something they can suggest.

Sorry there are a lot of questions there. Just trying to think of the best way to help. But I'm always here to listen

Ghostlyglow · 07/02/2021 16:24

Yes, me too

DejaVoodoo · 07/02/2021 16:24

Poor you. Have you spoken to anyone about this?
It seems to me that you would benefit from some therapy or antidepressants or... something.
Please see a doctor, you can't go on like this.

Original poster

Whatapalavaa · 07/02/2021 16:27

I can't talk to anyone about it. The words don't come out and it isn't fair on anyone to put this on them.

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Original poster

Whatapalavaa · 07/02/2021 16:28

@Ghostlyglow I'm sad but glad I'm not alone. I feel like an alien when most people around me seem to love life (pre covid). I hate being here.

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MNHQ

CarolineMumsnet · 07/02/2021 16:40

Hello, we are really sorry to hear some of you are feeling this way.

OP, we hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Best wishes from all of us at MNHQ

rawalpindithelabrador · 07/02/2021 16:41

I wish every day that I'd never been born. It's a moot point, I know, but I do.

badlydrawnbear · 07/02/2021 16:41

Yes. I had one person I could sometimes talk to when things felt this unmanageable and overwhelming, but she is not available anymore, and I don't know how to do this on my own. I don't even know where to start with reaching out to someone else. I am tired of fighting it.

DejaVoodoo · 07/02/2021 16:49

@Whatapalavaa you said you can't talk about it, but it seems you can write it down.
Please do that, write it down and then show someone.

Original poster

Whatapalavaa · 07/02/2021 16:50

Thanks for posting, you've made me feel slightly less alone. Is anyone taking antidepressants and finds they work somewhat.

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Original poster

Whatapalavaa · 07/02/2021 16:52

I have done it before @DejaVoodoo and it made me feel even worse for the guilt and pain it caused.

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rawalpindithelabrador · 07/02/2021 16:52

People always tell you to 'reach out', but personally it's never done me any good. It doesn't change anything. What a lot of people need is really practical support, not to bloody talk. I've found actually doing something helps, something banal like alphabetising your books or changing your sheets or painting your nails, IYKWIM.

SparklingLime · 07/02/2021 16:53

You’re not alone, @Whatapalavaa. I feel like this a lot. Desperately. 💜

rawalpindithelabrador · 07/02/2021 16:53

I tried a few ADs. The one that did work made me put on too much weight so I had to come off it. I hate going to doctors, my GP is also a prick, so I don't bother now but do try them if you feel so inclined.

Original poster

Whatapalavaa · 07/02/2021 17:05

@rawalpindithelabrador Can I ask in what way did they work for you? Did you feel like you could actually cope with life and actually enjoy it?

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Original poster

Whatapalavaa · 07/02/2021 17:06

@SparklingLime thanks for posting and sorry you also feel like this. I'm over 10 years of feeling like this on a regular basis. Comes a point where you wonder how much longer.

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rawalpindithelabrador · 07/02/2021 17:08

[quote Whatapalavaa]@rawalpindithelabrador Can I ask in what way did they work for you? Did you feel like you could actually cope with life and actually enjoy it?[/quote]
I felt like I could cope better. Long story, but there likely won't be a time when I'll ever much enjoy it due to circumstances beyond my control and that cannot change but I felt like I could cope better. Just the weight gain wasn't acceptable.

Ghostlyglow · 07/02/2021 18:44

@rawalpindithelabrador

People always tell you to 'reach out', but personally it's never done me any good. It doesn't change anything. What a lot of people need is really practical support, not to bloody talk. I've found actually doing something helps, something banal like alphabetising your books or changing your sheets or painting your nails, IYKWIM.

I agree. If anything talking makes these feelings worse, even more upsetting. I think it's always people who are fine that tell you to talk to "someone". They mean well but they don't understand.

rawalpindithelabrador · 07/02/2021 18:50

Ghostly, someone started a really good thread about all this, some time ago, pre-Covid. She had ADHD herself, though on meds, and two children with SN and was on anti-depressants but she was a mess and what she really needed was what's never there - real respite and assistance with practical matters. Talking about her situation just depressed her even more because it changed nothing in real life. But nothing's changed, it's all 'reach out'.

I've had tragedy in my life. One therapist suggested having a good cry, it gets the toxins out. Well, so does sweating and at least when I exercise I get a mood boost on top of that, whereas personally, I find crying, for me, a waste of time. It makes me feel worse, look worse, changes FA. I'd rather go for a run or a still walk or even lift weights or do a HIIT or yoga.

A LOT of people who are struggling would be greatly improved by truly proper practical support and respite.

Monkeys might fly.

Ghostlyglow · 07/02/2021 19:17

I absolutely agree with you @rawalpindithelabrador. That sort of support does not exist, sadly, and I expect it never will. Lots of us just find our own ways to cope. Most people just don't really care and that's fine really - I don't expect them to. Some sort of distraction from my own feelings is what helps me, not focusing on them and getting upset. Going to gigs was always one of the best for me which is obviously out of the question now and for quite some time, but whatever...

Original poster

Whatapalavaa · 07/02/2021 19:47

Do you all feel this way in cycles or on a pretty consistent basis? I do have some alright days but generally always feel empty, sad and flat in the background. Today has just been an awful day. I tried talking to a friend years ago, but she's naturally very jolly so she didn't get it. I'm closest to one of my parents but they were devastated last (and first) time I opened up and I know I caused a lot of worry. So I can't talk to anyone now.

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Doihavetogotoworkdotcom1 · 07/02/2021 20:02

I feel the same. I dread waking up in the mornings and it all begins again.

teaandcustardcreamsx · 08/02/2021 00:39

Me too OP

colouringindoors · 08/02/2021 00:42

whatapalava I take an anti depressant - Sertraline and it definitely helps. So sorry you're feeling so bad, please try and speak to someone - GP?

rawalpindithelabrador · 08/02/2021 00:44

@Whatapalavaa

Do you all feel this way in cycles or on a pretty consistent basis? I do have some alright days but generally always feel empty, sad and flat in the background. Today has just been an awful day. I tried talking to a friend years ago, but she's naturally very jolly so she didn't get it. I'm closest to one of my parents but they were devastated last (and first) time I opened up and I know I caused a lot of worry. So I can't talk to anyone now.

It's pretty consistent with some days worse.