I don't want to exist today

[swinglowsweetchariot12]

I'm not suicidal but I've had the worst four years ever and now I am recovering from covid and my mum passed away three weeks ago.

I've had family deaths, major family illness, cancer scares, financial issues (work related, their fault but I'm paying the price), debt issues to the tune of £25,000 (this is a compilation of managed debt before major illnesses) a child that hasn't slept through since being born and wakes regularly every night, she has just been diagnosed with epilepsy and this would be the cause, my whole family had covid at Christmas and my mum passed away from it three weeks ago, my work, although have been supportive since Christmas, made my life hell coming back from maternity leave, and I experienced a lot of bullying. I've suffered with anxiety and exhaustion to the point I can't answer simple questions, I'm an emotional eater and a stress eater so since having my daughter two years ago I've piled on three stone.

I scrimp and save and plough everything into our finances but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I try and eat healthy and be active but I'm so tired from regular wakings it's difficult.

Anytime I try and move forwards the universe brings me back a hundred steps.

Everything I touch is difficult and hard and I'm tired and I'm bored.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, I know some people will say finances and health is in my control etc but I've lost my mum, and I only have a dad and a sister left.

My husband is fantastic but has his own health issues and works night.

I'm just done and don't want to exist

Oh OP that’s too much for one person to carry.

So sorry about your mum

Is therapy a possibility? Someone there to provide a kind space for you?

Sending strength and light, hold on, give yourself time.

@AtrociousCircumstance

Oh OP that’s too much for one person to carry.

So sorry about your mum

Is therapy a possibility? Someone there to provide a kind space for you?

Sending strength and light, hold on, give yourself time.

Thank you I start counselling on Wednesday but it's the overwhelming feeling when I remember my mum isn't here anymore and I feel so lonely even though everyone is being very supportive etc

Just everything in my life ends up damaged, dead or just hard work 😓

Sorry to read this it sounds like you have it really tough at the moment
I hope counselling helps you a little. One thing I always try to remember is we are all going through seasons in our lives and this one is a particularly bad one for you but one day it will pass. Losing your Mum an awful thing to go through and will take time to come to terms with. Make sure you allow yourself to grieve and take all of the support you can get. Sorry I can't offer much more comfort but I hope things start to improve for you soon.

@lucylouz

Sorry to read this it sounds like you have it really tough at the moment I hope counselling helps you a little. One thing I always try to remember is we are all going through seasons in our lives and this one is a particularly bad one for you but one day it will pass. Losing your Mum an awful thing to go through and will take time to come to terms with. Make sure you allow yourself to grieve and take all of the support you can get. Sorry I can't offer much more comfort but I hope things start to improve for you soon.

Thank you, I don't know why I needed to get it off my chest and I know it sounds like a pity post but I do feel really hard done by and that the world is against me

I'm hoping counselling helps too x

How are you feeling today OP?

@lucylouz

How are you feeling today OP?

The grief is getting worse, I have counselling tomorrow morning. I just keep seeing things that remind me of my mum and cry. Everyone is starting to contact less and less and that fine, everyone has their own lives and problems to deal with but things are getting worse for me and feels like people have done their initially "omg it's such a shock I'm here day or night of you need me" and a month later it's like hmmmm she keeps going on about how sad she is etc

They're not saying that but that's how I'm feeling.

I'm also stress eating and that's always been a problem

Thank you for asking though x

It's so hard when things seem to go back to normal but you are still stuck in your dark place. I'm sure your friends don't feel like that at all but I can understand why you might feel like they do. A lot of people just don't know how to handle people who are grieving. Are your Dad and sister being much support for you? I know people seem to grieve differently, some don't want to talk about it where as other do. I know I'm more of a talker, it sounds like you are that way to? Hopefully after having your counselling tomorrow you might feel a little lighter and if you don't that's ok to just remember these things take time.
Do you find going out for walks help you at all?