I don’t understand myself- what is this?

[thebearandthemare]

I have always suffered from anxiety and can recognise symptoms of it in childhood. Recently, alongside my ‘usual’ worrying about absolutely everything that may happen in the future, I’ve become fixated on my mistakes from the past. From the minute I wake up, my mind is reliving all the things I have done wrong- from my own parenting, work situations, things I’ve said etc. It’s an onslaught of bad memories which make me feel like the worst person on Earth. This goes on until I fall asleep (and now I’ve started dreaming about getting things wrong too!) Coupled with worrying about the future, I feel utterly consumed and exhausted. I think it’s been exasperated by the huge responsibility of parenting and I don’t trust my judgment on anything any more! Aargh! What is going on? I’ve never really spoken to anyone about it besides my long suffering partner whose brain works entirely differently to mine!

I think you need to speak to a mental health professional about this. It sounds like it's somewhere between the realms of OCD and PTSD, but it's really very individual and your treatments and management will be too. Rest assured, you can definitely get a handle on it with therapy and time, but as for anyone on here guessing exactly what the reason for this is.... someone could send you barking up the wrong tree and that won't help you at all.

Sorry you're feeling so mixed up and anxious. I know what that's like.

I have experienced similar and it's always been while under some sort of stress and when I've had too much time on my hands. Exercise and keeping busy always helps me, but wouldn't harm to speak to your gp. Are you on any medication for your anxiety?

I recognise that! Eek that’s what happens when I close my eyes at night too. For me I have bad nights and good ones but it sounds like you are having a horrible time of it! Recently I have got a bit better when realised how much I am using this berating internal voice to kind of regulate my behaviour by punishing myself and hoping that means I will make less mistakes. I realised that was quite cruel and doesn’t work but it is still there if a bit quieter. Anyway I would call that anxiety and suggest you speak to a therapist if you can. And also perhaps most importantly try to create a counter voice that is kinder and more forgiving and understanding and really lean into that when it is happening. Remind yourself that you are ‘good’ and trying and understand that no one will be judging you the way you do. That way when the thoughts flash up you can try not to feed them even if you can’t prevent it happening. Ask for support with as much as possible. Don’t buy into the thought because they can isolate you from people who can confirm you are doing ok.

And yes to exercise and any of the other healthy management techniques you find helpful for your anxiety (for me cardio and yoga, camomile tea made with the flowers not bags and bed before midnight, time by myself, walks and asking my partner for reassurance all take the edge off.)

Thanks everyone. I definitely notice that it’s worse now I’m at home more (and it’s always worse when I’m off work and have more time to think!) I’m just so amazed at my brain’s way of throwing up every tiny thing I ever did that I didn’t handle well or wish I’d done differently. It’s like a constant film. I don’t take anything for anxiety, I think that’s my next big step. Sometimes I feel like no one else makes as many mistakes as me so my situation must be genuinely a result of me being a bit rubbish, whereas for others I’d just say they were being too hard on themselves. It’s hard to find the right perspective but I need to try some self help techniques like you’ve suggested