Utterly done with this. Stuck indoors every day with my two children who despise me and hate lockdown learning. Only go out to work as a key worker (no key worker place for mine as no one to do school drop offs and pick ups). I cannot cope. I’m missing meals, my house is cluttered with dirty clothes that I can’t get washed as my kids don’t give me a minute, the constant demands, papers strewn all over the place, routine has went to shit, they can’t get up in the mornings, I have to drag myself out of bed as can’t sleep for anxiety. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up and have dark thoughts constantly but I know if I wasn’t here my kids wouldn’t have a proper parent. Husband works away and drifts in and out of the family home in his own happy bubble, tbh it can be just as worse when he’s here. My 5 year old who missed out on so much nursery/early years education has fell behind and cannot even add one number to another, her reading is non existent. She has no attention span with me. I’m getting more and more impatient and feel like I’m slipping down a pit. I’m developing a tremor that I used to have as a child with anxiety back then, and my youngest is developing a tic when she gets things wrong or doesn’t know the answer. My heart races all the time and I’m crying so much. I hate all the be kind shite as I have never felt so lonely, the same friends who post quotes such as “my door is always open/phone me anytime/I always have coffee/wine/biscuits” yet go offline on messenger or WhatsApp when you say hello. I am so worried about my kids future and how they are going to catch up. I worry that they are going to look back on these times with bad memories but can’t stop myself being miserable and feel physically unable to be positive about anything. I put my heart and soul into trying to be positive and home schooling to the best of my ability last year and I have nothing left to give now. I honestly feel like things will never get better. I am existing and not living.