Talk to me about PND

[ChubbyScotsBurd]

I had my first baby just over 3 months ago. He's a difficult little one, windy, unsettled, very easily overstimulated, won't sleep without some sort of help in the form of breast/rocking, quite whingey and needs to be carried all the time (which, at my estimation of around 17-18lbs, is easier said than done!).

I felt like I coped OK to be honest until the last maybe 4 weeks. I have had plenty of desperate, low moments but that's normal, right?

The thing is, recently he IS improving, he IS getting easier, his mood IS better ... but mine isn't. I'm not in floods of tears daily or anything - just maybe once a week! - but again, normal? I can't really put my finger on it but I can't say I'm happy right now, and I should be, shouldn't I? DP says things like "When LO smiles I feel like my heart will burst" ... to me, when LO smiles I just think it's nice. I do love LO but have questioned my bond with him recently, and have found myself feeling really angry and shouting at him when he's been having a crying sesh. Not nice or helpful. I'm also generally very apathetic, unmotivated. I could do more but I don't, it's easier to surf MN all day with LO perched on my shoulder than to hoover and do laundry with LO perched on my shoulder.

I have had an episode of depression previously, and took sertraline for a year, and was fine, got better, and the things contributing to my being depressed got resolved too. That was obviously in very different circumstances but I can't really remember whether this feels the same ... I think I was really very low before a kind GP had a tactful talk with me and I realised what was happening though. Maybe how I feel now is normal ... maybe it's the start of a depressive spell, I don't really know. I've looked at the Edinburgh thingamywotsit but I don't really identify with the questions if that makes sense. Everything's so much more vague just now.

I instinctively don't want to talk to my HV or GP about this ... maybe because I don't want to have PND ... and I don't know if maybe this is normal or all in my head or whatever. I just don't feel as much better about things as I expected myself to, and wondered whether you wise people think it sounds like simply a post-hormone fix low, tiredness or a bit of a blue patch.

Hi CSB

No words of advice, just solidarity and sympathy. I soooooo feel your pain, girl!

I had my first just over 3 months ago too and, like yours she always wants to be carried (tho because she is a tiny little pixie at less than 9lb that's easier than yours!). She has never slept on her own in 3 months - NOT ONCE - she can only fall asleep in my arms, in my sling, or snuggled next to me having been bf to sleep. Once asleep I can't even put her down as she will immediately wake up and cry. Sometimes I can't SIT down as she needs the motion to stay asleep. So she is permanently attached to me, and I only get a reprieve if my DH or Mum are able to take her for an hour. And if they can't (like now - parents in US and DH away on weekdays, only back on weekends) I wear my little velcro baby 24/7 like a piece of body jewelry.

Not all babies are this difficult you know!!! We are, er, privileged to have such interesting and intelligent little babies!

Managing such a high maintenance bub will take every bit of energy you have and wears one's tolerance down to a whisper. Add in sleep deprivation and your reserves are exhausted. IMO you are doing superbly well to be coping as you are, and I'm not the least bit surprised that you feel your ability to prance about singing spoonful of sugar a la Julie Andrews is somewhat compromised! Of course it is much easier for your DP, who with all due respect, is not carrying the same burden of responsibility and probably has significant breaks from looking after your LO to recharge his batteries!

You KNOW you love your LO. You just don't have the resources right now to be PollyAnna too.

I have this "one thing a day" limit. I mean, if I manage to do just one thing each day, be it walk the dog, one load of laundry, wash my hair (haven't done that since Saturday ), load the dishwasher - I am NOT talking big stuff here - then I consider myself to be Martha Stewart (minus the criminality) and worthy of congratulations. I do not set myself the goal of more than one thing, so if two things happen by accident I report it to all and sundry so that they know how clever I am.

And I haven't hoovered in 3 months (although someone else has, fortunately)

Because, you know, looking after a high maintenance 3 month old is really, really tough, especially on the old nerves. Doing anything in addition to that is miraculous.

Please go easy on yourself. You sound very, very normal to me!!!!

I think it is best if you speak to GP or HV. It may be sheer exhaustion, if may be you are a touch anaemic, or yes it maybe the beginnings of depression, and I think talking about how you feel with a sympathetic health professional will be a good way to try and figure out what is happening.