Feeling like I just can’t go on anymore

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

I’ve posted before , but can’t find my original thread as I’ve not posted on it for a while it seems to have disappeared.

I’m suffering from severe PND. I’m suicidal. Have had a history of depression, anxiety , S H etc . But this is bad . My daughter is now almost 6 months . I first posted here when she was around the 5 week mark. I’m lucky in the sense of I have support from my DH, our close friend and I do have a good health visitor and perinatal support to a degree , but it’s taken months to get that in place but I have spiralled . I’ve fallen into the trap of saying I’m ok because I don’t want to burden my friend , as I was getting so bad that it was upsetting her seeing me that way. She said she didn’t mind because she’s a friend and she wants to help, she’s gone above and beyond that I almost darent ask for more help with the fear that she might say she can’t do anymore , but all I need is a hug and a chat but it’s impossible because my daughter is so needy I don’t get a minute to chat. My husband is lovely but is struggling with me and he says I look empty . Which upsets me.
I love my DD, she’s thriving , she is EBF and is doing so well so I’m putting everything into her to keep her happy and healthy but I just want to pack up and run away to avoid the other option of a way out. My family aren’t very supportive . So the people I do have I want to protect as they’re all I have .
I guess I’m coming on here as a means of escape and to reach out.

I am paying for private therapy , I’ve had my assessment and my first proper session is next week.

I’m tired physically and mentally . I’m barely eating . My daughter doesn’t sleep at night . I don’t get a proper break. I feel like I’m At breaking point , I don’t want to go on, I feel like a burden but my husband says the more I say that then the more I push people away. I don’t feel like me anymore and I just don’t want to carry on .

Is anyone there ?
I’ve rang Samaritans and the nhs number . I’m not sure what I want to gain from this , other than a hand hold I guess.

Thanks for reading

I was you.

I can tell you I am on the other side and am well.

The turning point for me was stopping breast feeding and in turn my baby started to sleep through the night. This was at 8 months.

I had to have an intervention from my MIL and I had a total and utter breakdown.

You need to tell everyone you are struggling, you need intervention.

You need your village to help you get out of this.

What helped me was antidepressants, CBT, walking everyday, focusing on something other than your child. I actually set up a business, god knows how but my focus was taken away from my suffering and my child and my exhaustion to something that I could escape into.

Please reach out to people.

If I could go back 5 years and whisper in my own ear I'd say 'you won't always feel like this'

Take good care

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way Op. I agree with above poster, please tell everyone again, I know it feels like the hardest thing in the world.
You are doing an amazing job and sound like such a wonderful, wonderful mother! There IS light at the end of the tunnel. Please hold on. Your little baby is worth it, you are their everything and you are perfect to her.

Also agree with pp re sleep. You need to be getting a break. Can DH have her for an hour or a few hours a day, try a bottle of formula or breast milk. Have you got DH or MIL who could help? You can create a bubble with a baby that young.

Hugs to you OP. Hold onto hope!!! Xxx

@nicolllaaaaaaa thank you for your reply .
I’ve tried the maximum dose of sertraline and it didn’t even touch it :( so they’ve taken me off it .
They said all they can see helping is intense therapy . I just feel absolutely horrendous I need to cry so so much but feel like there’s nothing left . I just need comfort of some kind . I need someone to take my daughter out for a few hours so I can sit and talk to my friend and get it all out without my daughter there . I know that sounds bad but it’s hard to have a conversation so personal when my baby still needs to be held / entertained .

She won’t take anything other than breast so I can’t give up BF . I’ve spent over £100 over the months on bottles and she won’t take a single one . Neither a supply cup

@giantwaterbottle sorry I missed your message I must’ve cross posted .

Yes when my DH is off work he takes her for an hour but, it’s just not enough and he’s so hard to talk to about personal things as he gets so upset and doesn’t really take it in. My friend is amazing but I’m so scared she’ll walk away if I get too much even though I know she won’t and she has stuck around this long . I guess I feel like I am not worthy of her time :(

Hey, your friend may be fine with asking and doing stuff for you. But you have a good MIL so include and confide in her. Have you a mum too? Both women will help you but you need to ask

Also, try a bottle then the onus is off you to EBF. You need a break my love

Please don't fret about confiding in your friend...that's what friends do...all the time..not just the good times. It will get easier and you will get to the other side of this. Lean on the people you do have around you...let them share your load as you would with them.

Hi, I'm sorry you are having such an incredibly tough time. I'm sure your friend would be sympathetic, if I was your friend I would just want to gather you up in a huge hug (probably illegal due to lack of SD but oh well).

Now the baby is six months, there should be enough space between feeds for you to get a daytime break of more than an hour!!

Also, ask your DP to do bathtime and get the baby ready for bed then he brings the baby to you for bedtime milk and then HE takes the baby and settles the baby to sleep.

On a Saturday night, you go and sleep in the spare room (hoping you have got one). If the baby wakes and wants a feed, he can bring baby to you for milk then resettle the baby. If he did this every Saturday night you would know you have a night where it isn't all on you. It does make a mahooosive difference, just that little break at night time.

And in the daytime on a Sunday, he should take the baby for several hours there's absolutely no reason why that shouldn't be possible. And you should - shock horror - be able to actually leave the house without him and the baby.

It will improve, honestly it will, but in the meantime you must must must ask for the help you need.

Hello
I really hope you can get some help and support very soon.
If you feel you need something now and you’re at crisis right now could go to a&e or call 999?
If you can wait until the morning you could call your gp or health visitor.
I can’t imagine how you must be feeling but it sounds like you want help and you’ve reached a crisis point?
Sending you a big hug, warm wishes and you deserve to get the support you need to help you through this.

Without sounding too brutal, apologies if I am, your baby will take the bottle.

Again, this was me, I didn't want to stop breastfeeding because the thought of getting him on a bottle when he constantly refused seem like the highest mountain to climb when I didn't have an ounce of energy. But it is this that saved me.

It meant I could go out for a full day and me on me own. It meant I could have a whole night without disturbance because someone else could feed.

If you want to save your life you need to beg someone to help you. This is very serious. Honestly. I was you.

I can speak from the other side, a place that you will be again. You just have to shout that you are in the darkest place and you need help.

Please speak up today. Please get your baby on a bottle.

You need to be out the house for a day and your partner has to force the bottle. Baby will soon realise it's the only way to get milk. Trust me this will save you. Xxxx

Thanks everyone you’re so lovely .

I’ll try and confide in my friend over the weekend when she is off work. I just feel constant guilty as she has a partner at home and I feel like I’m always bothering her and will she get sick of her best friend being sad all the time ?
I try snd be happy and bubbly around people but it’s becoming exhausting . My HV is coming today so I’ll also tell her but, I’m so tired of trying to be ok. I’m so so worried my friend will get sick of me and she’s one of the best people I’ve ever met & I don’t want to lose her .
I’ve spoken to my Grandma who is very fit & well for her age , she’s going to have my DD once a week to give me a rest .

I’ve spoken to my HV today. Not yet spoken to my friend but my husband says he’s getting increasingly worried about me . I’m not sure what to do

So sorry you're feeling so awful OP 💐 Have you tried any other antidepressants? Quite often the first one doesn't work, but a different one does. Please reach out to your GP tomorrow.

@PumpkinSpicedLatte how are doing today?
I hope you know you are worthy and you are so, so strong!
Someday this will all be a distant memory I promise you.
Please don't stop confiding in your friend, imagine if the roles were swapped, you would do the same for her I'm sure!
So glad your grandma is going to help. Use that time to really look after and pamper yourself. A bubble bath, a long walk, anything that isn't too much effort and even if you don't feel like it force yourself, you've got to slowly build yourself back up. But HV and GP should help too!

Thinking of you xxx

I’m still up & down. My daughter has been at my nans today for almost 5 hours , so I’ve had a rest and DH is at work. So it’s been peaceful .
My head is loud though.
DD still won’t take a bottle off anyone , so that’s still a struggle . She wouldn’t take it off my nan today so I’m not sure what I’m going to do when she is in daycare in 9 weeks time.

@giantwaterbottle 🤍🤍

When you say she won't take a bottle, what does she do?
Have you tried a different teat, there are ones for faster/slower flow

@Shitfuckcommaetc she used to gag so we got some expensive ones that are literally like a nipple as close to a nipple you could get and she has it in her mouth but won’t suck it . She doesn’t cry or anything she just pulls away