I don't know how I can carry on.

[Firstimemum77]

I have posted here before but I'm just reaching out again as I'm having lots of suicidal thoughts and my mental health is getting worse.

I had my son 11 months ago and had quite a difficult birth. Pretty much straight away I started feeling anxious. Awful in the hospital then with a brief reprieve. I don't feel overwhelmed with his care I find that bit easy and he's such a wonderful child. sleeps well, happy, gorgeous and when I have my good days I feel so in love with him. But on my bad days I find it so hard to connect with my emotions. I worry till I'm SICK about not loving him and not appreciating him. I feel terribly guilty and ashamed that I have brought this innocent life into the world and now I'm failing him. I feel like I want to have that feeling of ownership 'he's mine' but sometimes I feel like I don't know where he came from. I want more than anything to connect with my darling son but when I can't I HATE HATE HATE myself. On my worst days I feel so extremely anxious. I think about the next hour and I feel unable to look forward or back happily or with enthusiasm. mostly I'm just wrangling with myself to FEEL what I want to feel. I cry all the time and feel robbed of what was meant to be 'magical'. I'm not the mother I wanted or expected to be. I'M Terrified that I've ruined his little life and I'LL NEVER FEEL normal about him and my chance is gone and I won't heal and I should just fucking kill myself because I can't rectify it.

I have suffered chronic depression on and off for 13 years now and been on 3 different meds. I've finally been referred to secondary care rather than just primary and I do so much to try and take time for myself and relieve symptoms and I practice my CBT but I'm making no progress.

When I have those 'dark days' I'm a different person with seemingly no control over my ability to perceive things or grasp the reality of the situation. It's like having a delusion or being paralysed with inescapable negativity and fear. It also centres around my menstrual Cycle so I think I have pmdd or premenstrual exacerbation and Pure OCD as I can't stop scratching this mental itch "you don't love him".
Mostly I just feel like a nasty horrible monster, who shouldn't have been allowed to have a child.

But I feel like if I can look on this forum and have written acknowledgement that this is just an illness... it might help.

Please please help me x

We're so sorry you're going through this and you're feeling so bad.

We hope you don't mind, but when threads like this are flagged to us – we like to link to some ideas for support. We have some more information about postnatal depression, here
We also wanted to share Mind’s information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything that might be helpful right now.

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the links above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

Bumping for you OP

So sorry to hear you feel like that OP. Do you have any support at home - partner or family? A traumatic birth is always hard I remember crying pushing my little girl around in the buggy thinking I’d failed before I’d even started as the birth had been difficult. But then I realised my Mum had basically the same assisted birth with me and I think she’s a fantastic Mum so it really didn’t matter. You’ve also been raising a newborn in the most rubbish of times with all of Covid and lockdowns. It sounds like he is a happy baby though and all his needs are being met and you obviously love him or you wouldn’t be on here posting to get help. Have they managed to sort your meds out or do anything for the link with your menstrual cycle? Hormones after birth are awful for a long time (or at least they were for me)

I have a call with the community mental health team tomorrow. I have such supportive husband and family but you're right... Covid and lockdown have totally prevented me from doing all the things I'd planned and seeing my family and friends or doing ANYTHING to get me socialising/out of these Four walls. I just feel so demoralised and really fatigued. it feels like it will never end and my beautiful son is so unlucky to have me as his mum.

Glad they have given you an appointment quickly and will hopefully be able to provide some help and support. Covid really has just added a whole new level of drudgery and hardship onto everything. Unfortunately my experience is that entertaining babies and toddlers is just not mentally stimulating (dare I say it can be very dull) and gives so much time for thinking and frustration which can easily spiral into become down/depressed and allowing space for negative thoughts to creep in. Being in the house full time is just so tedious and so much worse at the moment not being able to get out to anything and enjoy adult company. I hope your team can help you not be so hard on yourself. Hopefully the end is in sight for the lockdowns which might at least make things a bit better and take some of the pressure off. It doesn’t sound like you’re failing him at all he sounds very well cared for. Most folk I know are just surviving at the moment.

thank you x that does help 🤗

Please hang in there. Just from reading your post I can see how much you care about and love your baby. You are enough. You are everything in his eyes. Honestly it can and it will get better.

I had horrific PND after my son 3.5 years ago and am currently 28 weeks pregnant with #2. I never thought I'd go on to have more children given what I went through mentally. Parenting is hands down the hardest job and even harder when you don't feel yourself. AND with covid ongoing saga on top, I'm not surprised you feel at breaking point. I had a setback around 16 weeks pregnant so went back on medication which has definitely helped. I'm also having therapy again which always makes a difference.

Keep reaching out for support, do whatever you need to do to get through the day and most of all, be kind to yourself. x

That's so lovely. Thankyou. these messages are just what I need to come back to. They're a little concrete slice of reason when I feel I'm clutching at nothing xxx good luck with baby no. 2. very lucky kids to have such a compassionate mum x also @chasingAmy you have helped so much x thank you all xxxx❤️

Hi, how are things for you at the moment..

Hi Prianka,

Thanks for checking in. I'm OK. better than when I first posted. I'm still not out of the woods by any means, but the suicidal thoughts have really eased up since I went back on my original anti depressants - turns out that they were doing something after all. I have an appointment with an ACTUAL psychiatrist on the 16th April - so hopeful a specialist will help me overcome these final hurdles. It's so hard to remember that you're ill and not just ruining your own life because you're a terrible person - which is what you tell yourself. I'm trying to be kind to myself and relax as much as possible.

Thank you for getting in touch xxx