Mental health atcan all time low but have to work/carry on

[Thatsmycupoftea]

Hi all,

I had a sort of mental health crisis/breakdown last summer. Nothing dramatic happened and I did carry on as normally as I could but I did express suicidal thoughts and I took 2 weeks off work. I did not tell work how bad things were and just said it was stress. I did tell my husband but I didn't go into it and tell him exactly how I felt and I did still manage to seem 'normal as in I cared for the home, went to work and looked after my kids. He doesn't know but I took the time off work and on occasion drove away with the intention of committing suicide. I also stayed in bed and only did the basics, getting up when he was due home and pretending to have been at work.

I have since opened up to my husband more.
He's sympathetic but struggles to understand my mental health, especially because there are no triggers as such. As much as he has been trying to relieve my load and help me I don't think he quite knows how bad things were and how hard they have been since.

I'm embarrassed to admit it to him and to work and to anyone else so I pretend everything is fine while inside I'm literally in agony.

Dh is very worried about finances and we need my wage so understandably when it comes to me working the conversation is that I need to carry on and all will be fine.

I only work part time and care for my young children the rest of the time. My job is extremely stressful and its difficult to switch off from.

I'm struggling to get out of bed. I didn't take my eldest to school today (key worker) but I do need to work and have had to let work down on some tasks.

I'm on anti depressants and I'm on a long waiting list for emotional support/therapy.

I just don't know what else to do now. I feel so unwell but sort of trapped in that I have to carry on at work and as a mum. I'm not lazy but I just feel overwhelmed. I'm too scared to lose my job so I don't dare take any time off again. I don't want it to taint my work record, or career progression. Plus we need the money.

Obviously I love my children so much and I don't want this to affect them. I manage to put on a brave face for them.

I just feel so lost and scared and alone and trapped with no rest to recover.

Hi. I’m sorry you are having such a horrible time. I can really hear how difficult all this feel for you. It sounds good that you have had the courage to open up to your husband and also to speak to your GP for support. Those are really positive steps. How supportive is your GP? Could you perhaps go back and say how you are feeling and discuss other options with medication. Perhaps yours isn’t working so well for you anymore? How long have you been taking them?

Also, you might feel some relief if you could find a supportive colleague to speak to at work...having someone there who knows what you’re going through can help ease the weight a little bit.

I know the things I’m going to say next sound really cliche but they are things that I have felt have helped me in the past- they haven’t been a cure all but have helped.
Are you looking after yourself properly? Are you eating well and exercising. It doesn’t have to be anything huge....are you making time to do something you enjoy? Have you got healthy boundaries with others expectations of you and do you feel like you can say no to people? How is your sleep? - you don’t have to answer these questions - just something to think about.

Are there tiny positive changes you could make?

It’s hard for others to understand the pit you get into. My husband struggles to and although he is well-meaning he is often unhelpful. Keep being open with him though and don’t be afraid to directly tell him what you need from him.

Also, I’m wondering if there’s any way you could afford to pay for therapy and avoid the waiting list?

Again, I’m really sorry it’s all so tough. Hang in there because it won’t be forever and it really will get better. You sound as if you have been so strong and coped amazingly under the circumstances.