Confidence

[sassynotsissy]

I am in my mid 40's.

I have always been quiet and lacking in confidence.

I've been in relationships that have felt controlling.

I have studied as an adult and now have foundation degree level of education for my job and yet I still feel I'm not good enough and am in little more than an entry level job.

When I think about myself and who I am, I feel proud of myself and what I've achieved. I think I do know my own worth.

But in every aspect of my life, I get walked over. In relationships I get pushed around, if I stand up for myself I am being "difficult".

In my work life, I am constantly overlooked and under appreciated.

Friends treat me similarly. I think the attitude is that "I won't mind" if they let me down or put something else before me.

My upbringing was difficult and even the good bits when I was brought up by other relatives were all about "minding your manners" and "putting others before you".

I think I can't tell the difference between being respectful towards others needs and wants and being a doormat. I think I'm being polite and well mannered, they think I don't care about my own needs.

My work life is particularly upsetting me right now. I have gone back to work for an old employer that I left because I felt so under valued. I'm now on very good pay because the boss desperately wanted me back but the old ways of how I'm treated are still there. The getting me to do the shit jobs everyone else will complain about. The making sure my colleagues have the heaters, asking me to pick up the phone because my colleagues are busy but never the other way round. Even something as petty as letting my colleague have the best coffee cups each tea round!

I have got to this ripe old age and I still have no idea how to change. I've had counselling and assertiveness training over the years.

Any insight would be appreciated. I don't think I'm depressed or particularly anxious.

Confidence is such an elusive thing. I think perhaps you should do something strong for each thing which is undermining you. So get your own cup and pour the drink into it from the crap cup you’re given (I so get the cup thing! ).

Insist on a heater - use your traction as a valued employee.

Make it clear when you need someone else to answer the phones.

Practice saying that so-useful sentence - no, that doesn’t work for me.

I learnt confidence from people like my awesome daughter and daughters in law who take no crap but remains lovely. Is there anyone you admire for their balance of confidence without being selfish who you could learn from? There are just ways of calmly stating stuff - I’ll be honest, it’s taken me almost 60 years to learn them!

You can do this.

And I got this crap from my mum too. She taught me that everyone else should be considered more important than me! I do love her but can’t be doing with that attitude.

I think it helps to unpack where in your history your confidence was smashed. What other aspects of your childhood contributed?

I have got to this ripe old age and I still have no idea how to change. I've had counselling and assertiveness training over the years.

Hi OP, I understand what you mean here (you sound a lot like me) but I think to a great extent it is the pushy people who walk over others that need to change, rather than you! That said, they will not change their behaviour unless you are sometimes able to stand up for yourself, and I know how difficult it can be to do that.

Perhaps try one small thing , like with the coffee cups or heaters. If anyone raises an eyebrow or says something it might help to have a ready prepared answer eg. 'We all need to be treated fairly and take turns with the heater/tea cup/ and answering the phone, it shouldn't be all down to one person/me' or something along those lines.

Also, doormat or not, you sound very nice, don't forget to be a doormat you need people who are prepared to wipe their feet on others. Personally I wouldn't like to be one of those.

I found in the past that whenever I have mustered up the strength to stand up to people I do feel a whole lot better for it, like getting something off your chest. Good luck, I have faith in you.

Thanks for all the replies. It's good to know others feel the same!

The cup thing - I've had the same cup in work for a long time. New colleague arrives, also decides she likes that cup. Suddenly everyone makes her coffee in that cup. Like no one ever noticed I had it before 🙄

It sounds petty and I don't really care but it just sums up what I feel happens often.

I did have a terrible childhood, not really anyone's fault but ended up brought up by my grandmother who was a stickler for manners as mentioned above and to be honest, I always felt a nuisance because she never really wanted to bring me up but did because otherwise I would have gone into care. I've spent my entire adult life with no extended family after she died.

So I can see why I feel "I'm a nuisance" or "not worthy" but that isn't enough for me to change. I understand why but not enough to know how to change.

I suppose it's too difficult for me to change the small things like the cup because it seems petty and unimportant but too scared to deal with the big things too.

So I can see why I feel "I'm a nuisance" or "not worthy" completely understandable, sorry to hear about your terrible childhood sassy.

If you can put up with something fairly trivial like the cup thing (for me, some days it would seem trivial, other days it wouldn't, depending what else was going on) then fair play to you and pat yourself on the back for rising above it. Actually, bit of a light bulb moment, perhaps you tend to paint yourself as a doormat due to feeling like a nuisance from childhood when looking at it another way you could say you have learnt a lot about maturity or other positive ways of looking at things. What I mean is, another person would spit their dummy out over the cup thing (I've met such people) but not you. Honestly I don't think everything might be as down to being a pushover as you think.
Also perhaps you are a very good team player rather than a diva, your boss wanted you back and put you on good pay for a reason.

You mention being given the shit jobs everyone else will complain about. Perhaps you appreciate more that these jobs need doing, shit or not and it's best just to get them done? Well done you. I have worked with plenty of people who thought the shit jobs were beneath them and would not lift a finger. Funnily enough I never valured these colleagues very much.

I by no means have all the answers about how to change but I know I would not like to be the sort of person who let someone else always answer the phone calls when I can see they are busy too! @sassynotsissy hope this helps a little, obviously I can only go off a snapshot of your life but I hope it's worth taking another angle sometimes.

Also, try not to look at being 'quiet' as a bad thing, it isn't, lots of people are quiet, it's better to accept it, appreciate it and harness that power. There is a good book called 'Quiet' by Susan Cain which is very good.

Thanks.

I do think my perspective can change a lot day to day. Mostly I think I'm a decent person who has the strength of character to not sweat the small stuff and am proud of that.

But sometimes I just look at the divas of the world and think "they're not getting the shit jobs or the coffee cup they don't like etc and just putting up with it" but I am, so I must be a doormat.

I do think I am tolerant and understand of other people but often I end up tired, stressed and fed up because I've let others put themselves first. Being kind and thoughtful often feels like it only runs one way.

I am what I am and I wonder if telling myself I'm a doormat and I need to be "different" just damages my confidence even more?