Does anyone feel / think what is actually wrong with me? Why can't I sort it out? And successfully sorted it out.
I know I have two health conditions, and have had recent stresses and trauma. I sort one problem out but then seem to create them again. I don't like drama but I can't seem to act until it's a crisis.
I know what the solution to all of it is - yoga. When I do this I feel grounded. But recently when I have tried it is like all the emotions tip out. Perhaps little and often is the key.
In my head I think everything has to be perfect before I start yoga but this never happens.
In the meantime I go from one obsession to another. Fortunately not alcohol or too much sugar anymore but it has moved to one internet topic after another which does nothing for my focus.
The frustrating thing is I know I could easily be happy if I stopped self sabotaging. It is almost like I am scared of success because then what next. I want everything to stop for a while.
I have got a wave of motivation to sort things out now and I just have to ride it as I don't know when it will go or one of my health conditions will flare up.
My anxiety is heightened at the moment as three people I know are affected by bereavement.
I'm not massively sure what there is to look forward to. I sort of coped in lockdown one and two as I had work focus, but don't feel I have acheived much. Perhaps I have been feeling anxious about lockdown ending although in reality it's not yet! The constant sliding timescale is terrible for me as I have fallen into drifting and fluctuating between feeling invisible at home (I live alone), huge pressure at work and endless telephone conversations. I do have a bubble who I meet for walks but I am utterly bored of the same routes. I am starting counselling soon. I've tried to pinpoint issues I can actually fix, but day to day structure seems to be eluding me. IRL it is hard, I need consistency but I have to provide it for myself, which brings me back to feelings of helplessness. I'm not sure why it all feels so out of control, I think work stress is probably at the root. At weekends I numb myself with going online and not the things I know will help me as I seem to believe I am destined to fail. I think this is low self esteem and feeling out of depth at work- although I am not my organisational skills are letting me down. As I come through this I am finding myself drawn back to regret, how I wasted last year, how we are coming into Spring no fitter. I always take things to heart and blame myself, this can lead to improvement, but it can lead to a very long period of low self esteem. I suppose awareness is good. I also find alongside the drive to sort things out I have to simultaneously have support and not shut people out completely to focus. People seem to pick up this oh she has a lot on, let's leave her be, then I find myself looking for support, then friends ask how I am by which time I am overwhelmed. This is where I think investing in regular counselling will help. I had a mini breakdown this afternoon (a sob) and now find myself wanting to write wrongs and solve things. I think the solution is recognising where we are on the stress spectrum of productive and manageable stress to reactive and overwhelming stress and getting better at prioritising in the latter. When I am stressed I can't access my inner know how or think clearly, but this isn't like me. I'm light touch, not overly complicating, creative not rigid. One of the things is having quiet space to myself, just to quiet my mind and let things pass, and I am finding being attached to my work or phone is exhausting, also regular walks. I love to read and this is why I browse the internet so much, so making time for reading. Learning to say no to things. Not answering phone if I don't want to. Blocking out time and setting clear expectations. Daily journalling. A hot bath. Music. Support groups. Spritual reading. Visiting an online gallery. Cardio exercise. That's a long list of things I know help.
I've sort of answered things for myself here and feel better for writing it down. Will leave it here in case anyone relates or finds it useful.