In a really bad place

[CrazyCatMum]

Haven’t posted here in a long time, thought things were a bit more manageable but they aren’t.
I feel like I’ve just been hit with a tsunami and it’s dragging all my past problems back.
I can’t sleep because of the nightmares, when I’m awake it’s flashbacks.
I want them to stop, want to be normal but it doesn’t work.
I can’t function, can’t eat , can only go out if I am medicated and that’s only once a week when my friend comes for me.
The masks scare me, I know people have to wear them(I’m exempt) but they are faceless people and remind me of my dads friends my abusers.

I feel like I’m going mad, the voices in my head are getting louder and are scaring me,.
My self harm is getting worse but I don’t care about that, I don’t have the energy.
My cpn has been really good but I don’t feel I deserve her being nice because I’m dirty and disgusting 😢😢😢

You are not dirty and disgusting.
I've been there, wait it out, it will pass, you will feel better soon.
Don't focus on your negative feelings

I have been where you are, it's difficult.
Try to structure some sort of process to get through this, you will create a routine for yourself when you find what works best for you and you will find these episodes will get shorter.
For me it is a goal and then journaling to process, the goal started of extremely small like going for a walk, going to the shop and just built up over time. Then journaling my feelings to have a tangible view of how I was feeling.
It's a long recovery but progress is progress and it always beats your current perspective.
You have clearly experienced some sort of trauma, maybe reach out and get some professional help. The most important thing you can do is take responsibility for your own healing and recovery once you get your head around that you will fly. It takes time so go easy on yourself.

Thanks
I have a cpn who is ok but has said I can have talking therapy because mentally I’m in a bad place so wouldn’t cope with it, but I’m in this state because of past trauma so it feels like I’m going in circles.
I need to deal with it to move on but can’t while I’m feeling like this.
I feel like I’m sitting on death row just waiting on that call to say my times up, there’s no more appeals and that for me is ok.
I feel like I have a ticking time bomb in my head, I’m asking for help but I’m told my needs are to complex for anyone but from the NHS to help me but I’m getting nowhere with them.
But it doesn’t matter anymore I don’t have any words left 😭