Does anyone else obsessively cringe at past mistakes?

[Gson]

I’m not sure if everyone does this or if it’s something bigger going on.

Background - I have always been an anxious person and gone through bouts of worry etc but that’s just part of life. Never been diagnosed with anxiety, but had some help with a phobia (CBT).

Recently, I have been totally obsessing over every mistake or embarrassing moment - large or small I have ever made. Mostly from my teens and early twenties.

I was the typical ‘dramatic’ teenager, in a long term relationship with a guy who was just awful for me. I look back on it now and think wtf was I doing. Just the way he used to make me feel about myself was awful and I think he really battered my confidence.

When we finally broke up, I turned into a total party animal from the heartbreak. My reaction was just so over the top. I literally thought I was Samantha from Sex and The City and went crazy, sleeping with loads of men. It was so out of character. I attended a private school and I never went into to 6th form (god knows how I scraped my a-levels). But the icing on the cake was getting pregnant. I missed one pill and got pregnant with a guy that I barely knew after a night out. I had an abortion alone and it was horrendous.

I look back on that period of my life, which is well over 10 years ago now and just think WTF. I am totally different now - I went to uni, took a while to find my way and had to switch courses but now have a fab job, flat & life in London. Sometimes I don’t know how I did it.

I have always been quite shy so that whole period of going nuts was so not me. I look back, and the embarrassment is awful. Even my ‘wild’ friends didn’t get themselves into the kind of situations I did. I also obsess over little things I’ve said and done in the past. For example, a couple of years ago I fell off my chair in a restaurant (lol) and I still can’t get over it!

I don’t know if this is because we’re in lockdown and my reminiscing about ‘the good old days’ as taken me down a bit of a hole?

Sorry for the long post, clearly I needed to get it off my chest but mostly need to know if this sounds like something I need to speak with the doctor about, or is does everyone feel the same from time to time?

I am exactly the same. Once I think of a past mistake it's like my brain searches for all the other past mistakes to think about.

I think the key is exactly what you said "you aren't that person now" focus on that, that person is behind you and so are your mistakes. Who we are isn't defined by our past.

As soon as I feel one coming into my brain I force myself really hard to think about something else. Or I try and laugh and think wow that was cringe and remind myself that every person on this planet has cringe moments/past mistakes.

Xx

Yes. I like to think I've got passed that stage. Every so often though I make a fresh, new and hideous mistake, which is usually enough for all my past mistakes come creeping up.

You are not alone. There are loads of us who do this. I didn't realise it wasn't just me until a friend of mine said exactly the same thing. He said he obsesses about every little thing he's done and it's ruining his life. He's had therapy for it and realises it's a ridiculous self-torturous thing to do. That made me feel a lot better.

Mad, isn't it? (Mind you, I've done some truly terrible things...)

One thing that helped me get over this was to think of your bad thoughts and memories as floating down a river. That river is in the background of your story. It's there, but it's just floating by. Nobody sees it except for you. You can look at the river if you want to, or you can just let it flow naturally.

Yes, I stack them all up and then just as I go to bed they'll start playing like a horror movie.

They alternate with "things that almost happened to my children" as the insomnia playbook.

I sometimes speak out loud involuntarily to try and stop them.

I'm never sure when it crosses from regular human cringe to concerning intrusive thoughts.

My thoughts tend to take this turn when heading into a depressive episode. How's your MH?

I do this. Constantly ruminate and feel shame past events. Replay whole conversations. It absolutely drags my mood down and leaves me feeling dreadful.

@NonCisWoman

The river idea is excellent

They alternate with "things that almost happened to my children" as the insomnia playbook

Oh my goodness, this is exactly what I have started doing. Only since the lockdowns started, but I have been having really disturbed nights. Whereas I have always woken up pretty slowly and gently, now I wake up as if someone has whacked me in the chest and left me with a huge ball of anxiety there. I’m then wide awake at 3/4/5am, mind racing and going through every stupid thing I’ve ever done, every health worry I have, everything I feel like I do badly at work and like you just said, things that have nearly happened to my kids years ago.

I’ve never suffered with anxiety or unwarranted periods of stress (ie I’ve been stressed at times you’d expect to be stressed) or insomnia so I’m really struggling at the moment.

I do this allllll the time. I also make an involuntary noise or movement when the thought comes in to my head as it makes me that uncomfortable!

One thing I heard that made me feel better was "list 3 times a person you know has embarrassed themselves" because I bet you struggle to even name one! Which means no one has probably given your most embarrassing moments even a second thought!

Thanks all for your replies - looks like I’m not alone with this.

@MsJuniper it really is a horror movie, watching it all play in your head. Always at night too! It’s so hideous

@GeidiPrimes MH seems ok (as it can be at the moment). I don’t suffer with panic attacks or depressive episodes, but do feel anxious at times. I guess that’s a contributing factor to these horrid cringey flashbacks? I have never been diagnosed with a MH illness.

Also to add, I’m a massive perfectionist so anything I get wrong really doesn’t sit well with me!

Yes, I get into horrible ruminitive states from time to time that last for days - it's really distressing. Sometines there's a trigger - usually argument or feeling like I've made a mistake or let someone down, sometimes it seems to appear from nowhere. It only happens a couple of times a year (thankfully) and I don't suffer with anxiety or depression but I am very hard on myself and have high expectations of myself that are sometimes not reasonable.

Me too, to all of this. Constant replaying, I have embarrassed myself a lot in the past saying the wrong things, just out of shyness and social awkwardness, things that others won't probably even remember but they are burned onto my soul. A few near misses with the kids too that replay in dark moments and take my breath away.

All the time! More so now i'm a sahm. I tend to focus on one particular thing, fret over it all day then in the morning there's a new one and I look back on the previous one like "that wasn't that bad." I have no idea how to get out of this cycle!

This is like we've found our tribe! I was doing it this afternoon and at one point shouted No!!!!! and put my face in my hands because I was thinking of something so hideously cringe-worthy.

@AmandaHoldensLips so true!
Poor you - I’ve also been batting off the cringey thoughts all day. It is really horrible - I hope you are ok.

Does anyone know if this is something that can be treated or any help available? I honestly thought as I got older I would grow out of it. Maybe any good books to read?

Just to say me too. I always think of 'bad' things I've done since I was about 18 and always think that one day they'll catch up with me and I'll be 'found out' or something like that. It usually happens in waves of periods of anxiety.

OP, if it helps, I don't think anything that you mentioned is 'embarrassing' at all. Sounds like you had a hard time and came out the other side. I suspect most things that we dwell so much on, other people wouldn't think twice about.

Omg I’ve found my people! I do this too, often I involuntarily gasp or shout no too. The worst part is, mine are usually recent incidents rather than long ago embarrassments. My MH definitely isn’t great and it’s worse now than normal but... would love to know if there are any ways to cope with it!

@Gson - I have no idea is there's a particular therapy/technique for it like CBT or whatever, and even if there was, accessing those therapies is pretty much impossible at the moment.

And I also thought to myself that knowing this is a mental glitch is at least half the battle, no? When I catch myself doing it, I KNOW that it's all in my head and it's me torturing myself for some weird reason.

Frankly I think it's all tied up in the realms of anxiety, guilt, fear of being discovered for being a complete fraud and feeling terrible for making some very poor choices in the past.

But surely everyone has done stupid things and made some bad decisions? And if you show me somebody who denies that, then you're probably showing me a liar.

At least we have the self-awareness to realise our mistakes and hopefully learn from them.

My big mantra to myself is: DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT STUFF!! It's totally pointless.

That’s a good post @AmandaHoldensLips, I think you’re right. I’ve had a rubbish day today and am currently awake because I’m reliving mispronouncing a word in a restaurant 3 Or 4 years ago 😁 I appreciate it’s ridiculous! But somehow my mind wants to play it on a loop...

@RabbitsGoneRogue poor you! I hope you got some sleep. It’s exactly the same sort of thing I would do though.

@AmandaHoldensLips so true! Definitely some anxiety. I also think it could be a bit of perfectionism/imposter syndrome? Not sure! I did Google books etc but there really isn’t much out there. I remember I used to read the ‘cringe’ page in Cosmo which used to make me feel better haha

Yep, I do this. I was obsessing recently about something silly I did at uni - I mean, really stupidly trivial. But I could feel myself going hot and red just thinking about it.

I managed to break that cycle by reminding myself that making mistakes is one of the ways I’ve turned into who I am now - it was part of the journey I’ve taken through life. The important thing is that I’ve learned from all those things.

And secondly, when I start ruminating on when I’ve done something wrong or let someone down, I remind myself that we are all someone else’s villain at some point - and that’s ok, it doesn’t need to define me as a person. I am not perfect and that’s ok, because neither is anyone else. We all want to think of ourselves as the hero of our own story, but we can’t always be the perfect hero because we are human beings. Sometimes we’re the hero and sometimes we’re the villain and both are normal and healthy.