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Mental health

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Original poster

I need help, willing to pay

25 replies

Redlined · 26/01/2021 08:08

I am unable to live in any way normally due to my mental health and neurodevelopmental issues. In normal weeks I don't shower, cook, eat much or keep up with finances and appointments. Healthcare isn't helpful. I've had zero support from the NHS, and as a lot of the support I need is practical, I was thinking of maybe paying more for things. Problem is, I can't really picture it. Other than having a cleaner, what else could I pay for or outsource to make it easier to live? I really don't know what to do anymore. Let's say I had around £500 a month for 'care', any suggestions on what I could buy with that money? I have no DC.

I know this is a bit of a weird thread, sorry. I'm trying to help myself and I can't. I've struggled forever and I'm worried for my physical as well as my mental health. I am not physically disabled, but I am starting to get all sorts of ailments due to self-neglect, and it's only getting worse as I get older. I know there is a pandemic right now, but suggestions for normal times are very much welcome.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 26/01/2021 08:11

This is not right at all....you need a social worker to act as an adviser and support you. You're too vulnerable to choose someone to help...the person who helps you needs to be monitored.

Can you try to call social services? If you don't mind, tell us what town you're in and I will find you the right number to call.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/01/2021 08:13

Agree with the above - you need a social worker.

Bellie99 · 26/01/2021 08:13

Sorry to hear you are struggling. A cleaner is a good start. The other suggestion I have is food delivered to you - Wiltshire food or similar so it's a balanced meal for you to heat rather than cook?

MinnieJackson · 26/01/2021 08:14

Could you contact social services, they may be able to arrange a carer for you to come in and help with washing and making you some meals. Do you receive any disability benefits? What are the top priorities you think come first?

DinosaurDiana · 26/01/2021 08:14

You need to list what you need doing every week/month.

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2021 08:17

Can you advertise for a qualified personal carer and home help on hour local face book? There are also agencies that supply staff privately

You can ask cor meals cooked, help showering and teeth brushing, personal grooming, you could possibly get someone for a couple of hours a day.

chickychicchic · 26/01/2021 08:18

Calling the mind helpline might help as they will know places to go for help and what services are available

Sounds like a care worker is needed maybe every 3 days to check on you and remind you to shower etc there are probably charities that can help

Also I agree about food ready prepared so you don't have to cook it so microwave or Wiltshire farm foods type.

Do you have any family support?

TheoriginalLEM · 26/01/2021 08:19

Do you have any support network at all?

Self neglect is serious and needs to be taken seriously, is your gp aware of your situation?

I wish i could help but no words of 'you'll feel better after a shower' will help.

I remember a good few years ago there was a support thread on here and we would say what 'level ' we were on that day.

Level 1 out of bed (even just an hour)
Level 2 dressed
Etc

I found the support from people with similar issues invaluable and it got me through a particular bleak time in my life.

There are alwats support threads on here, youll find you are very much not alone

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 26/01/2021 08:20

One option is to hire a personal assistant (in the social care sense rather than the business sense!). Social services may be able to fund this depending on your level of need. The PA will then do meal prep/help you shower/help with life admin etc. Contact social services and ask for a direct payment to be spent on a PA.

WorriedMillie · 26/01/2021 08:24

Curve ball (sorry) but would it be helpful to attend to your mental health needs with some psychotherapy? I speak as someone who can relate to a fair bit of what you’ve written. I have ADD and in the past, had a collection of other diagnoses and wasn’t very functional a lot of the time, I just couldn’t “do” everyday life. I’ve since invested in therapy with a very, very experienced psychotherapist and while things aren’t perfect, I’m doing loads better than I was

gettingfedupagain · 26/01/2021 08:24

You may be able to get a personal budget or direct payments and then a charity like penderels trust can help you work out your support plan. They do this everyday www.penderelstrust.org.uk/personalbudgets.php

Original poster

Redlined · 26/01/2021 08:28

@FortunesFave I can barely get a GP appointment, let alone a social worker. There is a huge stigma for people like me, who look mostly normal. I do not get any disability benefit, but I do have a job, even if I am not currently able to work. My job doesn't require me to get dressed or see anyone at all, so a lot of my issues remain hidden. Trust me, I've tried to get help from the authorities. It's only led to more pain and heartbreak.

OP posts:

Dinosauraddict · 26/01/2021 08:33

I'm thinking about this in terms of what we put in place for a relative who became poorly and lived at home with no formal 'care' structures in place. The things that helped: cleaner, gardener, alarms on phone to remind her to do certain activities (e.g. take tablets, eat lunch), pharmacy delivering tablets to door in pouches which specified: Monday AM, Monday Lunch, Monday PM etc, a support caller, a schedule of 2 activities a week to make sure they got up, dressed and left house...

Dinosauraddict · 26/01/2021 08:39

Also it's great that you've got a job, but you should consider also applying for PIP. It's not means tested and you can work and claim PIP. It sounds like you may qualify under the care element (but not the mobility element). My relative uses PIP to pay for her cleaner etc although you're not restricted in what you spend it on. You don't need a social worker or anything to apply.

Original poster

Redlined · 26/01/2021 08:45

@Dinosauraddict I tried PIP, got refused. I didn't really ask about that, though I get the concern. I want ideas on what kind of stuff I could pay for, not how to pay for it. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but trust me, I've tried all of these things and nobody in the health service gives a damn, so that avenue is not an option.

OP posts:

OhGingleBells · 26/01/2021 09:05

Sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time.

It sounds a bit old-fashioned but could you look into some kind of ladies’ companion? Sort of like a PA I guess. Or you could advertise for a housekeeper? Also, (not a cure but might help on some level) once you have someone to help with your care, what about getting a little pet? Some gerbils or something that don't need too much attention but that you can care for.

Sending you love - do keep mumsnetting and update us with how you get on!

AtlasPine · 26/01/2021 09:19

£500 will get you about 20 hours of care through an agency, 30-35 if you pay someone you hire yourself (make sure they are self employed or you’ll need a payroll service to help you ensure their tax and NI is sorted, which will lower the hours you get).

Appointing someone yourself might be risky if you’re vulnerable -going through an agency will be safer to be honest. And it will mean you’ll be more likely to get someone regularly even if one carer has to isolate etc.

Think about exactly what would help you and write it down. It may be two sessions a week of 2.5 hours - some help with ordering food online, encouragement to take a shower. Someone who will listen to you and help you plan. A bit of housework or even help you design a timetable to support you to start your way to doing it for yourself.

If you were my friend I would gladly help - I’m so sorry you’re having to do this alone.

FlatEarthling · 26/01/2021 09:21

Life coach? Someone to give you a list of tasks and you feedback when you complete them?

Although if you break it down, there will be plenty of people on Mumsnet to cheer you on.

ChateauMargaux · 26/01/2021 09:49

I have two friends in different parts of the country who worked for people who needed some of the support you need. It was carefully coordinated with their client's social workers as you need to match the skills to the tasks.

Perhaps a cleaner, someone to cook meals for you, someone who would do admin tasks and perhaps a personal trainer. It would be important to set boundaries as these people should not be expected to provide the psychological support you also need and it is also important to ensure that your needs are met.

FortunesFave · 26/01/2021 14:07

An agency carer would come in twice a day OP...once in the morning and then again at lunch...maybe it would be possible to have them call again at bedtime

They can help you get dressed, make you a sandwich...and at bedtime they'll help again.

AtlasPine · 26/01/2021 14:50

@FortunesFave

An agency carer would come in twice a day OP...once in the morning and then again at lunch...maybe it would be possible to have them call again at bedtime

They can help you get dressed, make you a sandwich...and at bedtime they'll help again.

I’m not sure that pattern would work for under £500.

FortunesFave · 26/01/2021 22:10

Atlas someone said she'd get about 30 hours for 500...you're right. It would be once a day I suppose...a short visit too.

DebatableHmm · 28/01/2021 11:47

I have ADD and in the past, had a collection of other diagnoses and wasn’t very functional a lot of the time, I just couldn’t “do” everyday life.

I just want to echo what this poster is saying. Maybe you've already been down this route and found that it's not ADHD, but it sounds to me like rather than pursuing "sticking plasters" of paying for a personal care assistant/ cleaner etc, it might be better to spend money on pursuing the cause?

I'm only mentioning this because your post sounds similar to my life before diagnosis. No motivation to do the most basic things like showering. Simple 5 minute things like brushing my teeth or washing a plate felt like huge, monumental tasks.

I thought ADHD was a ten year old boy who couldn't sit still. I thought it got better with age. Turns out in girls / women it's usually virtually undetectable in childhood (we're the chatterboxes or the dreamers) and really starts becoming a problem in later life when the responsibilities of adulting begin to pile up.

If you have a look at the symptoms and read people's experiences (reddit R/adhdwomen is great) and think it sounds like you, then it's fairly easy to bypass the horrendous NHS services and seek a diagnosis through a private psychiatrist. It'd cost less than some posters are suggesting you pay for a month's worth of personal care, and I've implemented so many tips / hacks that have improved my quality of life. I've also taken the decision to start medication which should help even more.

All the best.

Original poster

Redlined · 28/01/2021 13:42

I have ADHD and I am on medication. This is what my life is like after a diagnosis.

OP posts:

AbsentmindedWoman · 29/01/2021 19:21

Could a virtual PA help keep on top of life admin stuff like making sure your bills are paid on time, and streamline your diary/ set up a system of alerts for you so you don't miss appointments?

They could also organise food deliveries for you - easy stuff from supermarkets, perhaps some of those Cook meals or similar?

I'm not sure what might help in terms of the more personal care side of things like showering, sorry.

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