Am I awful for considering leaving him?

[Tiredmamaforlife]

I posted back last year about my partner being sucidial. Since then, unfortunately his mental health has gotten much worse. He had a suicide attempt in which I found him although managed to save him in time, this resulted in him being admitted to a mental health ward for 3 weeks and diagnosed with physcosis. He has since been fully medicated with anti depressants and anti physcotics. Unfortunately this hasn't been enough to truly help him, he has days of semi normality where he only hears audio hallucinations or most days are filled with him thinking a devil character is following him or choking him etc. He woke up screaming at me the other night thinking that I was the one choking him. His physicaitrist has recently diagnosed him with borderline personality and hopes that DBT will help him but doesn't believe it is any other serious mental illness nor does she think any further increases or change in medication is needed. Now I may be awful but we have a 3 year old son and I have so far managed to shield him from all of this as far as I know but I am so worried he will pick up on it. I know my partner is ill and I have spent every single day caring for him since this began last May but this has taken such a massive toll on me personally and our relationship. He can no longer work so he's had to claim Pip and I am now his carer. How terrible am I for considering leaving him?

Not terrible at all. You have a son to think of and you have no obligation to be anyone’s carer. Be good to yourself

Your DS should come first and I think you should go with your protective instincts. Your DP needs real professional help and you won't be able to solve his problems.

How would it work if you were to leave, OP? Does he have family that he can move in with? Can you start putting a plan together now ?
It's a dreadful situation on all levels. Sympathies.

He could move back home with his parents, although I know this wouldn't be the best for his mental health( professionals think his upbringing caused the borderline personality) I'm just at such a loss of what to do. And I have a feeling he will try and kill himself again if he moves away from me. But that doesn't mean I can keep him here. He's under the care of community mental health, but it's me who deals with every hallucination, all his medication, patches him up after every self harm incident. I'm only turning 30 this year and I just can't let mine and my sons life be like this

People don't always understand, but especially in a case as severe as yours I agree that it's not actually possible for you to be putting DS's needs first. This might be even more upsetting to hear but actually I'd think far worse of someone for staying and raising a child in this situation.

My ex had severe mental health issues - still not a patch on what you describe - and separation has been hard but better for both of us and most importantly our DCs. I thought I'd shielded my children, but I hadn't. My 5 year old now talks about incidents that happened when he was 3 and he'd overheard, unbeknownst to me, and even my toddler started phrases and behaviours that were inappropriate. Since moving out they are so much calmer, and one shock to me was the huge amount of support that friends and others gave me - it was a little bit sad in a way that they hadn't felt able to get in touch in the same way while I was actually with him and really having a harder time, but I think that people are concerned about getting involved in really fraught relationships. You will be ok.

Agree it's worth making a plan, does he have a mental health team you can talk to, as well as family?

@Tiredmamaforlife

He could move back home with his parents, although I know this wouldn't be the best for his mental health( professionals think his upbringing caused the borderline personality) I'm just at such a loss of what to do. And I have a feeling he will try and kill himself again if he moves away from me. But that doesn't mean I can keep him here. He's under the care of community mental health, but it's me who deals with every hallucination, all his medication, patches him up after every self harm incident. I'm only turning 30 this year and I just can't let mine and my sons life be like this

Cross posted. It's good he has a team. You are not, and CANNOT be responsible for keeping him alive. You are not his rescuer, you are a person in your own right. Your DS will be taking all this in - if you don't go, there's a very high likelihood he'll end up playing your role or his father's role in his own relationships. How would that make you feel? If he was in your position, or your sister or best friend what would you advise them to do? Make sure you are treating yourself kindly, this must be so overwhelming.

Do you have your own family.and friends to lean on too?

I can contact his mental health nurse and speak to her, she'll probably think I'm terrible for considering leaving him while he's struggling. I know I am not giving my son the best chance and that breaks my heart and If his dad moves out their relationship will fall apart. Until my partner got sick him and DS done everything together and are still so close but obviously now I cant leave him alone together or anything

If anyone else was in my position I would absolutely tell them to leave. For themselves and for their child. Why am I finding it so hard to do then?

I grew up in a family like this and my mum thought, like you, that she'd be a terrible person if she left. It wasn't until I was 8 or 9 and I told her I was scared to go back home if just my dad was there because I didn't know if he'd have killed himself that she left.

My dad got help and after years he did end up much healthier. We were all left with scars though. It's damaging for one person's needs to be the central focus. From big things like my mum having to deal with cancer without making a fuss to little things like me spending all my pocket money on him every week in the hope it would make him happy.

I realise I'm talking from the perspective of someone who's dad recovered, but you can't sacrifice yourself and your child to ensure this.

Leave, protect yourself and your child. People with that severe mental health issues rarely recover to live a full normal life again. You and your child don’t deserve to go through this

OP I think leaving is the very best thing you could do. My sister is in a similar position with two kids aged 10 and 2 and and a useless partner who currently has been in secured mental Heath unit in hospital now for 10 weeks. He’s not getting better, and based on his history if he recovers again into a half functional adult he’ll just regress. He can’t work. He can’t adult. He’ll always be like this, it’s been going on for 15 years. I am so angry and disgusted that she keeps prioritising him, keeps hoping he gets better, keeps Mummying him. Instead she is failing her kids, she’s exhausted, angry, financially stressed, her oldest is having trouble socially at school and she doesn’t have the energy to help him, her youngest is currently going thru diagnosis of learning difficulties and is going to need a lot of parental help for years, so much more that’s shit and stressful. She is running herself into the ground and bringing the kids down with her, they are learning that this is an acceptable way to be in an adult relationship.

If it was just you, I would say that’s totally up to you to stay or go, depends if that’s an acceptable relationship scenario to you. But it’s so wrong to keep children in such a horrible environment where everything is all their mentally ill parent and the kids’ wants and needs fall by the wayside.

@Tiredmamaforlife

I can contact his mental health nurse and speak to her, she'll probably think I'm terrible for considering leaving him while he's struggling. I know I am not giving my son the best chance and that breaks my heart and If his dad moves out their relationship will fall apart. Until my partner got sick him and DS done everything together and are still so close but obviously now I cant leave him alone together or anything

She won't. In her private thoughts, she might well have been wondering why you stayed all this time.

The NHS is so under-resourced that they massively rely on the goodwill of family care - which makes sense with some things but is so unhealthy with mental health issues. They might put pressure on you to sort his care etc , but honestly this is NOT your responsibility. It might actually be better for him if you make it clear that you are leaving and will not be able to act as his carer, it could also mean that one of his family can get financial assistance for this.

You can do it.

Does it seem fair to say if he moves out that he can come see DS with me here at home as much as he wants but I won't allow him to take him out alone or take him to his parents house for overnight etc? Or does that seem like me blocking contact? I really don't want to go down the road of courts. Social services were already involved last year because the suicide attempt took place while DS was in the house but the case has since been closed.

@Tiredmamaforlife

Does it seem fair to say if he moves out that he can come see DS with me here at home as much as he wants but I won't allow him to take him out alone or take him to his parents house for overnight etc? Or does that seem like me blocking contact? I really don't want to go down the road of courts. Social services were already involved last year because the suicide attempt took place while DS was in the house but the case has since been closed.

OP letting him come and go to see his son whenever it suits him doesn’t sound like a great idea to me. It should be structured time that you control and not him, say the visits are Days x and x, from time y and z. Otherwise you are going to find he’s here all day some days and you have to feed him, look after his mental health and generally facilitate his life and his relationship with his son. So once again he’s controlling everything and the priority is him. If he can’t even function as a somewhat normal adult, a few days a week for a couple of hours at a time would probably be best for you all initially.

You have to think about your own health and that of your child first.

I cut contact with a close relative because of something similar. They always refused to address their 'issues' or take the medications and therapy sessions that GPs always tried to prescribe them. Their mood swings, anger and general miserable and critical attitude to life made them a nightmare to live with. That person never worked beyond a few retails jobs in her early 20s and never had a close friend in her entire life. They got so bad that they had hallucinations and paranoia and spent a month in hospital under mental health care. But as they got out the same cycle started again and other family members continue to refuse to admit that this person has problems.

I could not deal with it and I cut all contact. For a child to have to live with someone like that is a nightmare. Do this for your kid and leave.

You are not a psychiatrist and you can't make him better on your own.

Also I would set a strict visiting schedule and don't leave him alone with the child while his illness is not being controlled.

@Tiredmamaforlife

Does it seem fair to say if he moves out that he can come see DS with me here at home as much as he wants but I won't allow him to take him out alone or take him to his parents house for overnight etc? Or does that seem like me blocking contact? I really don't want to go down the road of courts. Social services were already involved last year because the suicide attempt took place while DS was in the house but the case has since been closed.

Do you have contact with his parents at all? I think you need to talk to his nurse about safety, and it may actually be beneficial to get in touch with a social worker from earlier if you had one who was helpful. I find it a bit frightening that he thought you were choking him - what happens if he one day thinks it's Ds doing it? Or if he tries to fight you 'back'? You need to document these things asap.

When someone has attempted suicide with a child in the house and has ongoing hallucinations then you will not be perceived as blocking contact if you do not allow sole care - not sure about if he's with parents but maybe depends on how they are cooperative and deal with the situation.

Coming and going as he pleases is going to be a recipe for disaster, with him showing up with crisis after crisis after crisis.

Do you have family who you could live with and could support you?

I do have contact with his parents, but he has never been completely honest with them about how ongoing the hallucinations are and how bad he really gets when they happen, I know it's not my job but I cannot let go of the worry that they won't know how to keep him calm, remind him to take medication and look out for the warning signs that I am by now unfortunately so used to. I do have my mum close by who I know would be more than happy if I left him. I know what I need to do, I'll start making plans. It's just an absolutely crap situation.

@Tiredmamaforlife

I do have contact with his parents, but he has never been completely honest with them about how ongoing the hallucinations are and how bad he really gets when they happen, I know it's not my job but I cannot let go of the worry that they won't know how to keep him calm, remind him to take medication and look out for the warning signs that I am by now unfortunately so used to. I do have my mum close by who I know would be more than happy if I left him. I know what I need to do, I'll start making plans. It's just an absolutely crap situation.

Sorry to jump on the post - this is a safeguarding issue so if he moves in with his mum you would have to give the community mental health team all the info (so they couldn't handover to his mum as it would be just too dangerous for you to overlook any signs) and I mean every last little bit.

Does he have a folder with his list of triggers? It's worth starting one if you don't and a list of things he needs to help called him down. Research recovery model.

If it was me I would prob be really mindful of whether to give him free access to your home as you need to safe guard your son. What if he is triggered at being back home (you say his upbringing contributed to the BPD) and doesn't take his meds and then turns up at your house paranoid? It's such a hard one OP. Your son is the main priority so anything that will protect him the most.

I certainly wouldn't have him living with your DS not an appropriate environment, sorry.

I think you need to make brisk plans to move out OP. Staying will ruin your health but also your son’s. It sounds like quite an unsafe environment to me.

How are you and your son OP? X