I dont know why im posting but just need to let it out somewhere.
I feel really low, I dont sleep much, about 2-3 hours at the most, just cant seem to drift off and then when I do I wake about an hour later feeling anxious and alone.
I spend all day in the same clothes I sleep in, I rarely have a bath, I am wfh so just wake and open up my laptop beside me in bed. Its not healthy and I know its getting worse but I have realised I am almost enjoying feeling sad, a very indulgent thing to be left alone to feel things.
I used to have a very different life, I had a large house which I helped design, 3 lovely children and was with my childhood sweetheart for 28 years. I lived in the same road as my parents, who I was very close to. My sister and her family lived in the next road and I helped raise my 2 nieces with my own 3 DC so they all grew up close, took them on holiday etc. I had a fun part time job that I loved and life was good.
Then things started to crumble, my DF got bowel cancer and died in 2007, my relationship ended and following a bitter end, where he physically attacked our 17 year old DD, which went to court and he now has a permanent restraining order against him. Before this attack he was always a bully but he was all I knew from the age of 16 so it seemed normal he wasnt every physically violent but he would come home and say things like "its my house, my TV, my lounge, everyone out" so we all would leave the room. Initially we shared the house and lived seperate lives, he met someone (although denied it) he would come home from work, get dressed up, covered in aftershave and go out all happy. My DD told me she had seen messages on his phone with kisses from a woman, and although I knew it was over already, it cut me like a knife, I think it was more a fear of the uknown. He also was very cruel to me when my dad died, he pinned me up against the wall and said, "well there was no love lost between me and your dad was there" anyway its not really about him, this relationship ended properly in 2015 when the house was sold. I was in about 50k of debt as for a year he moved in with his GF and I had lost my job and was struggling to pay for everything.
About the same time, my lovely mum developed Alzeimers and Ovarian cancer, We tried to look after her at home but in the end she had to go into a care home. She sadly died in 2018
I managed to buy a small 2 bed flat for myself my DD and my eldest DS, My middle DS had met his GF at Uni and was living with her, this did hurt though as I feel he was almost pushed out as the flat wasnt big enough for all of my DC. He never complained but it did hurt. I slept on the sofa until my eldest DS left to buy a home with his GF.
I did meet someone but he treated me badly and was abusive after initial love bombing, my DC noticed his treatment of me, things like he would take a girl in the office out for his birthday as he would say I was too fat to eat out with him and he was doing me a favour. He moved to another city 2 hours away and I eventually ended it.
Now here I am at nearly 56, living a strange life, I dont see anyone except my DD and her BF who live here. I mostly stay in my room, and have done since March 2020 when I started working from home.
I have no interest in food, I am constantly tired and keep thinking its just a waiting game until this is all over.
Sorry for the ramble, just feeling so low tonight. I have to be up for work in 3 hours and know it will be hard to wake up as thats the time I fall asleep.
I am scared I am slipping into depression and not sure how to resolve these feelings.
I work for the NHS and have lost 3 colleagues in the last week to this virus from my Trust. Life is so dark at the moment for everyone, i just keep looking back and wishing life was easier, this wasnt how I thought my life would pan out.