How do you cope with having a mum but not?

[Littlefishtin]

My relationship with my mum is awful, lots of emotional neglect as a child. I'm having therapy but it's making me feel worse as I'm starting to realise what I'm missing. I have a one year old DD and desperate to avoid making the same mistakes.

Im having counselling at the moment and some of it is looking back at things that have lead to the situation I’m in now. I’ve found it’s brought up so much at once that I’ve felt far worse than I did when I started. At times I’ve found it very hard to cope with but as the counselling continues and I’m talking about it more I’m able to make sense of what happened and come to terms with it. It’s not easy though.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I'm glad you are coming to terms with things, hopefully that will happen for me in time.

I'm no contact with my mum as she's still very abusive. I'm shocked thinking of some of the things she did which were neglectful. I had a bike accident and she does lifted me up and took me home and put me to bed. After three days she started hassling me to get up but I had a broken fucking shoulder and concussion so couldn't. I could have died but she couldn't be bothered to take me to hospital. I had pica which is where you eat odd things like sand because you're not getting enough nutrition, I used to smell because she stopped washing me and I didn't know how to look after myself.

I'm in my 40s and go through stages of being so pissed off with her utter selfishness and cruelty. I just couldn't have any kind of relationship with her now because I'm too angry with her. For years and years I made excuses for her and felt sorry for her. I don't now, I feel sorry for myself.

Anyway, I think part of it is just learning to accept that she's not going to change and to deal with that in therapy. Part of what keeps people in abusive relationships is hope it will change, but it rarely does. Accept her for who she is and if it's too much then just keep your relationship very low contact.

It's hard.

I'm sorry you went through that, I recognise that anger, you're right, it's hard.

Well done for going to therapy @Littlefishtin - I had emotional abuse from my mum in childhood and have found counselling very helpful. I’ve gone low contact with her now, which has significantly improved my mental health, but it doesn’t make it any easier at certain times like birthdays, Christmas, or other big life events (when I might see friends and their mums having good relationships). I am learning from her (bad) example to create a new life for myself, on my own terms. What a wonderful thing you are doing for yourself and your daughter by doing this therapy work - well done and good luck

Your post resonates so much, it reminds me when my dc were small and I felt the same. My mother was abusive throughout childhood so our relationship has always been strained. We had our basic needs met but no emotional or physical support. We now suspect she has an undiagnosed personality disorder, consequently her mental health has deteriorated as she gets older which complicates matters in terms of providing her care in the future. In hindsight, I’m so grateful that she chose to move 300 miles away when I was around 17, so our interactions have been limited by the distance since. I really couldn’t cope if she was on my doorstep, that’s for sure!

I’ve tried to mend the relationship over the years, since having dc. Every few years I really make an huge effort then she goes and does something spectacularly awful that proved I was right to keep low contact. Despite trying, I’ve never felt she really understood or acknowledged the pain she caused over the years, she lies about past events and is emotionally manipulative. I will never excuse all the awful things she’s done or said to me, but I do pity her in many ways as consequently her life has become very small as a result. The abuse fractured my family as a result, my siblings and their families have no contact with her. And we’re all individually dealing with our own traumas in various ways.

As the only daughter, that loss of wanting a relationship with your mum is especially hard, it will always be incredibly raw despite years of therapy. I find it hits you especially hard at various life milestones, when you get married, when you have your first child etc. I also mourn the relationship that my dc will never have with her, she’s missed out so much of being part of dc lives. The last year has really brought things to a head with covid. We had a big talk in the summer, which ended by her assaulting me in front of my dc. I’ve finally lost complete hope that she will ever change, she has zero capacity for self reflection. I had to come to a difficult decision for my own wellbeing, I will never ever see her again.

I hope you’re able to find a solution that works for you and your family.

OP I have the same issue and found going no contact the only way to keep my sanity and not expose my DC to her selfish narcissism.

At first I was worried I would follow in her footsteps and never bond emotionally or neglect DC but it's the opposite for us, I took everything she did that hurt me and reversed it. As a result I'm very close to my DD and DS, honestly, you can change the pattern and they will love you all the more for it.

Same here, going NC has been the only way for me too. It doesn’t stop it being painful, I’m not sure I’ll ever get over not feeling loved (and often feeling hated) by my own mother...it’s excruciating. It came to a head when my son (first and only) was born, the lack of emotional support, empathy, presence...it was unbearable and I cut them off for good. I’d made attempts multiple times over the years prior to having a child to make things better but it’s a lost cause. I’ve been in therapy for over 4 years and still working on where all this has left me. What you said OP about having a mother but not...that’s exactly it...and going NC at least I’m not constantly trying to get something that will never happen, I’ve had to accept it and am in the process of grieving it. And it sounds like you are on that path too.

Thank you all so much for your replies, and your kind words @homebird29. I'm so sorry there are so many of us with experience of this, it's definitely becoming a parent myself that's made me see how wrong it all was. Thanks again X

I am another whose basic needs were met but nothing else - no emotional support etc. and watched physical abuse take place. I have been n.c. for several years now and most days I'm okay but I still have some bad days. As a mother I cannot comprehend how she thought any part of what she did was okay. I also don't understand what made her feel this way toward her children. It's like I'm constantly searching for answers that probably won't ever be answered. I have a highly dysfunctional extended family and we are all estranged from each other.

I contacted my mother last year as I was feeling a lot of guilt and thought we could maybe get back in touch (a specific incident sparked the n.c.). I thought the meeting went well (as well as it could) and thought as I'd made the initial contact that she would be back in touch - nothing. I am glad that I tried though. But it is like rejection all over again. I am awaiting counselling because I need to gain a bit more perspective on this. I also suspect that my mother has developed mental health issues, she was much changed and so was her home (in a negative way). She has always blamed others and can't be trusted to keep a confidence - she has no qualms in playing one sibling off against another, I believe she is consumed with bitterness. I can't comprehend this as a mother - I want my children to be close. I can't understand her detachment. I have grieved the mother that never was but could have been. Interestingly, I have usually had a friend in my life who I have viewed as a mother figure.

I'm so sorry others are experiencing this too. I don't know anyone in real life who experiences this. It would help to be able to share feelings about this with someone from time to time - especially around certain times such as Christmas. It is sad that when so many people are missing their extended families during covid, I have no extended family to miss. I live in a smallish place where extended family can live just around the corner or even under one roof, it makes me feel sad that I don't have this.