I don't want to wake up!

[FightingWithTheWind]

I'm just so tired, there is so much to do and no matter how much I try I can't do it - and I know I am an adult and should be able to cope and other people manage but I can't. I have bills I need to sort but even thinking about dealing with them is making me feel sick and sweaty so I'm not, I need to be homeschooling my 5 year old but every attempt ends in arguing and nothing gets done or my 18 month old wants to get involved and so I can't give the 5 year old attention, I need to clean the flat but everytime I turn around there is more mess and it is never ending, I need to ring the doctor but I can't be bothered, I need to be taking my children out for some fresh air but it's all just too hard. And I know I need to do it! I know i'm a bad parent right now, my children get fed rubbish all day, which my partner (their dad) doesn't help because he gives them sweets/juice/crisps and everything else every day, I'm snappy and impatient and desperate for some quiet or just an hour where I'm not being touched. I have started self-harming again, I've started drinking, I can't get to sleep at night despite being exhausted and I don't want to wake up in the morning. I keep thinking it would be so easy to just take all of my anti-depressants and then its over. I don't want to die, I just don't want to be here anymore.

I came for a look on this board feeling the same as you, and I see you've had no replies. How are you today? Our circumstances are similar. Getting paperwork done...difficult. Homeschooling...difficult. The simplest of things feel to bloody difficult. I'm sorry you're struggling. Everything feels so impossible when you're down doesn't it?

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You're not a bad parent for struggling. I am too. This situation is shit and what we're expected to do is ridiculous, try to remember it won't be like this forever.

Your children will be fine not eating a perfect diet for a few weeks. Ditto missing a few weeks of home learning. Can you start with getting an hour to yourself a day? Ideally outside, maybe exercising with a friend?

Can you start

@callcat it does feel so impossible, it's like a mountain and I don't even know where to start. I'm sorry your feeling the same.
@nanbread it's hard to get time for myself, my partner works quite long hours and so by the time he's home I'm sorting dinner and the girls bedtime routines. The only time I really get for myself if when I go to work 3 evenings a week, which feels almost like a break in itself sometimes.